smc92va

So for those of you have followed my story, you know that after 17yrs apart I reconnected this Spring with my first true love. He was up front and honest with me and shared that he was in month 5 of recovery from 15 yrs of heroin addiction. When I knew him previously, he had yet to struggle with addiction so I was never affected by or knew him as an addict. He is brilliantly smart- when we met he was a double pre-med and Tisch School of the Arts/Theater major at NYU. I was so happy that after all this time the universe had reconnected us. We talked, texted, emailed each other many times a day when we reconnected and he was the first to reach out to me after all those years and I welcomed him with joy back into my heart and into my life. He told me he loved me about a month into our reconnection and I told him I very much loved him back. We started a mutual "bucket list" of all the things we wanted to experience together in life and the hope and love and understanding we had for each other seemed plentiful and endless. We both shared that we felt so blessed that the universe had bought us back together after so many years. Very much wanting to see each other, he paid for my plane ticket to Boston and paid for a wonderful week in Cape Cod together. The trip was wonderful and when I got of the plane and saw him waiting at the bottom of the stairs for me at baggage claim it was like nothing had changed and he hugged me so tight and for so long. The kinda hug where it feels like all your broken pieces are being placed back together and your soul leaps in a way that it never has before. We spent a wonderful sober week together.

Upon my return to North Carolina - he slowly but surely became distant, culminating with him ending or relationship/friendship last Thursday via a text message. My heart felt as if it broke into a thousand pieces. In his text he said that this had to stop - it was too much stress and he couldn't handle it bc he was getting ready to reconnect with his children, had 2 friends from his sober house relapse etc. he said he didn't know what changed and we both speculated that is initial feelings may have been a product of the pink cloud time of recovery. When we reconnected, we also shared the sentiment that the universe had gifted us with a year of us having to be apart(him in Boston, me in NC) so that we could both work on ourselves and he could focus on his recovery. When he ended things last week, he de-friended me on Facebook, etc and I haven't heard from him since.

I have experienced relationships of much longer durations coming to an end in my life so I'm so very confused on why this one is so very painful for me. I've continued to go to Nar-Anon and Al-Anon and have read every book I can get my hands on about addiction, codependency, how to achieve happiness from within etc and nothing seems to help. I even started seeing a therapist. I feel so sad, used, hopeless, pathetic - I can't seem to push past it at all.

I have been dealing with some chronic pain/health issues that he knew about and was always supportive and encouraging about. Recently they have taken a turn for the worse and this week my neurosurgeon said that I would need to start regular visits to Chapel Hill hospital about 4 hours away from where I live. Last night, I made the mistake of emailing him about what was going on with my health and that I was scared etc. I made it clear in the email that I was not looking for pity or for us to start back our now lost relationship. I even stated that I understood why he needed to go through this phase of recovery alone, etc. Needless to say he did not respond. Not even a kind word of understanding, or that he would pray for me or he was sorry this was happening to me, etc. I don't understand how someone that once showed so much kindness, love and compassion towards me at one time could grow so cold and hurtful. I've read others stories on SR and see that some of you are in far more painful situations than me and my heart goes out to you. Why can't I just get over this? I feel so pathetic and alone and rejected. I feel like he thinks I'm pathetic and unlovable. I know my happiness has to start from the inside and I'm trying desperately to take every step and measure to ensure this starts happening.

I'm so confused on how being so self centered in recovery can be beneficial when it is taken to a point where you are unkind to others, lack any sort of empathy etc. I would love to hear from recovering addicts what they think is his line of reasoning and thinking with all of this. I can't seem to push past this feeling of rejection. I feel like he has written me out of existence. And I'm fairly sure I'll never see or hear from him in this lifetime. I know my feelings of despair and utter pain or unreasonable. I have tried every self care step I can think of and just can't seem to get past it. I welcome any insight any of you could share. I'm very thankful that I've found SR and for those of you that have read my post I'm so sorry that I'm beating a dead horse, I'm just in so much pain.

WhoIsHe

Wow I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. In fact, it contained many similarities to where I am and how I'm feeling so I doubly empathize. In terms of reconnecting to someone you knew so well -- your "true love" - that's what makes it so painful. As you said, you did not know him during his active addiction days, so it could be easy to see what you used to see and wanted to see.

I wanted to say all these intelligent and helpful things to you but I'm mostly deleting and rewriting. The thing is, I am also in pain and can't be as objective as I usually am. All I can say with any clarity is that I do feel for you and am sorry you are going through this.

AlwaysGrowing

Smc92
Him not communicating might be love toward you that you are not aware of.

He is just getting clean, about to connect with his kids and needs to focus on his recovery. Right there he is choosing to make good decisions. Why not respect someone who loves you enough to let you go, to let you be free of his drama and mess. Set him free not scold him. Show him the same love he has shown you.

AG

butterfly2013

I don't have much to add but I just wanted to send you good vibes and positive energy...feel your feelings and release them, that's what SR is for

AnvilheadII

I'm so confused on how being so self centered in recovery can be beneficial when it is taken to a point where you are unkind to others, lack any sort of empathy etc

he's NOT being self centered. he's trying to maintain recovery after a long hellish addiction to heroin. if he relapses it could kill him. he's working on getting his life back together, reconnecting with his children, and doing everything he can to PROTECT his clean time.

he was clear with you that he just couldn't do this now. and then rather than drag it out, ended it cleanly. he didn't string you along. he set you free.

smc92va

Thank you AlwaysGrowing- I think I really needed to hear that. It's a hard concept to understand, but I'm desperately trying to. He did always say he didn't want me to treat him like an addict or a recovering addict. He didn't want that to be part of our story. I just got out of a much needed Al-Anon meeting. The topic was letting go with love. It was what I needed and it was a sign that my higher power was listening to my endless prayers. If you love something set it free they say. I don't know why this is so hard for me. But I do know those are my issues and not his. I hope God grants me another occasion in my life to see him again. If everything does happen for a reason - then there has to be some reason I'm yet to fully understand of why after so many years and such great geographical distance we found each other again. I love him so much, I have to find the power inside me to let him go. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger- by the time I'm done I'll be able to lift cars with my pinky finger;-)

AnvilheadII

smc, what was going on in your life right BEFORE he contacted you? that could be very relevant.......

smc92va

I never scolded him but I do think he started to notice my codependent patterns coming out full force. I lost my only sibling 8 yrs ago to an Oxy overdose and watched my mother enable to the bitter end. A year later, my ex husband and father to my daughter and I divorced mainly because at the time he was an active alcoholic. Addiction has touched every area of my life and how I approach life in general- I think he saw all of this and like you said didn't want his mess to negatively affect my life. I can now have faith, both in him and in myself and really let him go. I just wish letting go wasn't so painful and lonely

AlwaysGrowing

It's not just him you are trying to let go of. Maybe seek God for unconditional love. You might just discovery real love for the first time.

As my kids say.. Just saying.

smc92va

AlwaysGrowing- you are very correct in your line of thinking. The one good thing that has come from this is my renewed faith in God. After my brother's death from his overdose I was angry at God. My faith has been restored in so many subtle ways lately- like walking into the Al-Anon meeting this afternoon and the topic being "Letting Go With Love". It was like God put me where I needed to be. I need to accept that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life right now, even if it's a painful place. Acceptance and letting go have been very hard for me. I guess I just need to continue praying.

smc92va

He emailed me back. It was short but very sweet- and I now understand that he let me go because he does care about me. He said to keep emailing him because it was ok to get out my feelings about my scary health situation, my brother's death etc. He also said he always reads my emails. He said he understood how scary the stuff going on with me must be. And he ended by saying- "Remember, just keep doing the next right thing". My tears flowed - it is so bittersweet and painful, but comforting all the same. That's a weird, ****** up mix of emotions. Still processing....

smc92va

I'm still puzzled as to whether him emailing me back is a good thing or not. I wish this wasn't so confusing and so dang hard😞

hopeful4

You needed that for closure, recognize it as that. Don't see it as something to hold onto because it is not. He is fighting for his life and he kindly has enough sense to recognize you don't need to go down that path to hell also. He has turned you free, but you have to go.

I don't say this to be harsh, but it seems like you are looking for something to hold onto. I understand, it's so hard. However, see it as what it is and free him and yourself from the chains holding you back.

XXX

smc92va

I agree hopeful4. It's just so hard to say goodbye forever. He did say in our last phone conversation that all we could do was to take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time doing that. I'm confused on why he said in his e-mail to "keep e-mailing him"? Maybe he doesn't want to say goodbye forever either, but must say goodbye for now?

smc92va

Btw- I thanked him kindly for his reply and for understanding, but I also told him I realized I was being selfish by emailing him at all. And that I realized that he had let me go with love and that I needed to afford him the same gratitude. I guess I have to really "let go and let god" as they say. Is it wrong to have the audacity of hope though? Is it wrong to wish and hope that in a year or two we reconnect? The thought of him being gone from my life forever is too painful to even imagine. I welcome any thoughts or advice any of you here on SR can give me. I need guidance. I fear that my reasonable judgement is being clouded by the love and longing in my heart😞😞😢😢

smc92va

I almost thought I should post this is the substance abuse forum or recovery forum because I would love some insight as to the thoughts of those that have gone through the recovery process. I'm trying so very hard to understand. And I'm trying hard to let go. And I really want to know if it is wrong to have hope in my heart. To have hope for him that he makes it through this hellish road of early recovery, hope for myself that I can deal with being somewhat co-dependent which stems from not dealing with the death of my brother from an Oxy overdose 8 yrs ago, and most of all is it ridiculous to have hope that we one day reconnect in a happier, healthy more serene time in both of our lives? I really don't want to give up on hope. I feel like hope is all I have left.

hopeful4

I don't think it's wrong at all to wish for someone to be well and recover and reconnect. What is wrong is to sit there and wait for it to happen. As painful as it is, you MUST move on with your life. It is the same as grieving a loved one. Let yourself go through the stages.

Tight Hugs!!!

zoso77

Don't personalize what he did, or didn't do. What he's doing isn't about you. It's about him. And he is what he is.

smc92va

You guys are right- I just have to go. The saying "If you love something set it free. If it comes back it was meant to be" really rings true in this situation. I guess what is so difficult with this, is it is not a normal breakup- meaning things aren't ending because of lack of love, interest in someone else, etc- you know, normal break up scenarios. But I guess when the disease of addiction is involved, nothing is ever normal huh?

Chino

Two more questions to ask:

Why don't I want to get over this?
How do I get over this?