((Try18)))
I'm very glad you have a good support network. I was a blackout drinker during the ~3-4 years of my "career" before quitting, and almost every single time drunk like that, I was suicidal. Because I drank everyday (sometimes skipping a day or two just because I was too sick), that means ~suicidal daily for years. Being suicidal had become my everyday reality and for those years, I "knew" that mindstate better that anything else I could have experienced. Yeah, daily blackouts and it was usually the blackouts when I was at worst. I could trace this because I wrote TONS of stuff during those blackouts.
I am glad you are continuing to seek other people!
It sounds like you and I are a bit similar also at "having so much to live for".
Embrace and develop that!!