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Nearly dead after a blackout

Old 08-22-2014, 02:41 PM
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Nearly dead after a blackout

I didn't know whether to post this or not but tonight I am feeling so lost. I won't go into great detail but at the beginning of the week I drank into a blackout and attempted to take my own life. Some poor passer by called police and ambulance. If it weren't for them I would be dead now. I would never, ever have done this sober. Never. I had stopped taking my medication regularly as I was 'feeling better'. Not wise. Drinking for me is insanity. I am three days sober. Tonight I went back to my AA group. I have my familys support and professionals there, I just need to utilise that support. Most importantly I need to help myself. I am so frightened of myself. I don't want to drink. It changes me in such a terrifying way. I am going to go through the steps with a sponsor and also engage with the professionals. I need routine and purpose in my life. I know what I need to do. I just seem to be so self sabotaging despite having so much to live for.

Sorry for the ramble. I am very grateful to be alive and sober tonight. Tears came as I'm writing this. I'm just consumed by fear right now.
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:46 PM
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A big hug to you. I have done some awful things in my blackouts. Too ashamed to say what I did but I know your fear.

You are going the right direction. Three days sober is amazing!!
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:48 PM
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That is scary. Happy you are still around. Chin up, evertyhing will be alright.
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:49 PM
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Posting is always a good thing, reaching out for support is always positive!!

It's great you're getting a plan together, implement it and utilise all those support tools, alcohol is doing you no favours, it's time to start a new chapter!!

You can do this!!
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:50 PM
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Glad that you are posting, Try18. Glad to hear that you have support from AA and your family. Don't forget to keep SR close. There is always someone here.
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:53 PM
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Try18, I'm glad you're here and getting the support you need. Take this last episode very seriously. Your life is at stake and it sounds like you can't afford to drink again. You have nothing to be afraid of in sobriety -- it will take time, but you'll be ok!
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:56 PM
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Hi try

I know what it is like if it wasn't for my next door neighbour calling the fire brigade and them coming when they did (they had to kick front door in) I would be dead also

Do you know what I done that night I went out and got drunk burnt to pieces and completely insane I was lost blaming everyone

One day thank god or me or whatever i woke up I was scared frightened vomiting Iwas crying my eyes out i had finally realised I was truly lost and it was in that moment that i found a raw hatred for alcohol and it has never went away

I'm not saying its going to be easy but it sounds like your do anything to be sober just like me and everybody else here

I think your doing amazing for what its worth
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:01 PM
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I am very grateful too that you are alive and sober tonight, Try18. Very grateful.

Please take care of yourself.
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:03 PM
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((Try18)))

I'm very glad you have a good support network. I was a blackout drinker during the ~3-4 years of my "career" before quitting, and almost every single time drunk like that, I was suicidal. Because I drank everyday (sometimes skipping a day or two just because I was too sick), that means ~suicidal daily for years. Being suicidal had become my everyday reality and for those years, I "knew" that mindstate better that anything else I could have experienced. Yeah, daily blackouts and it was usually the blackouts when I was at worst. I could trace this because I wrote TONS of stuff during those blackouts.

I am glad you are continuing to seek other people!

It sounds like you and I are a bit similar also at "having so much to live for".
Embrace and develop that!!
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:05 PM
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Thank you so much for your kind support. I think I have spent the past few days in shock of what I did. The full reality of it hasn't hit me yet. I haven't got anything left to lose to alcohol, as I feel this week I lost myself. People say "don't pick up the first drink." For me that is not enough. I am going to spend the next week making as solid a support network as I possibly can. Biggest barrier to my recovery is my own head!
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Try18 View Post
Biggest barrier to my recovery is my own head!
It is for most of us, addicts (I will risk, even most human beings), I think. The only way "out" for me has been taking actions and doing positive things for my recovery (after putting the bottle down), finding out what works for me..., who I am and what motivates me sober... how to keep myself from falling into old patterns everyday.
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:23 PM
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I agree haennie. Think the overwhelming thing feels like everything needs to change. But I have to try and break that down into manageable days, hours if need be. I am good at giving the positive things a go but I hang onto a couple of things that I know are detrimental to me. Then they build up and up. I don't know if I am making much sense here, sorry if not!
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:32 PM
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Makes perfect sense, Try...

"I have to try and break that down into manageable days, hours if need be."

Maybe check into the 24 hours threads or other daily check-in threads, monthly classes, daily gratitude of whining or just the cafe... all available here on SR
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:38 PM
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I enjoyed being actively part of 24 hour thread before, found it a great way to start my day. Will join again tomorrow morning. Not really checked out the others. I will do just that. Thankyou for your advice
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:38 PM
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Anything can happen in a blackout.

Today was the funeral of a friend of mine,picked up a drink after several years of sobriety and took their own life.

Make a decision to stay away from the first drink whatever happens.
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:38 PM
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I've felt suicidal during binges. Never attempted, but thought about it many times. So glad you didn't go through with it, and are here to post! Well done on reaching out!

My mom committed suicide. It's hard to wrap my head around it. The story is a tragic one.

Go on and live your life, without the alcohol... I've learned to appreciate the sunrise, the sunset, and even the space in between Each day truly is some sort of a gift. Even the bad days. Because there's always going to be a good day to come along to break up the bad days
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:46 PM
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Heath and Jennie, I am so sorry for both your losses. I lost a dear friend to suicide a few years ago and the pain and devastation it left was unimaginable. Alcohol brings out the darkest corners of my mind. It's like playing Russian Roulette except every chamber is loaded with some kind of fresh hell.

When doing the right things for me and those around me, I appreciate life and am happy and content. Don't want for much. Jekyll and Hyde sums up my relationship with alcohol, absolutely. Key now is not just keeping away from the first drink, but working out a solid program on how to stay away from it.
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:50 PM
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Try - You've had some great responses already. I'll just add that posting here kept me out of a lot of trouble and helped with my anxiety. I think joining the 24-hour & other threads will be valuable. We all care about you and are cheering you on. Thankfully you are still here and can turn this thing around.
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:58 PM
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Thankfully indeed. I feel utterly grateful. I wrote out a gratitude list tonight and there is a whole lot there. I cannot and will not let alcohol destroy or take my life.

SR was on the gratitude list. So you are all there
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Old 08-22-2014, 04:53 PM
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Thanks for sharing Try! So glad someone found you in time. So many people never make it out alive from this disease, please know that you are worth every ounce of struggle you have to go through in order to stay sober! Praying for you! I also use AA and credit AA and God for saving my life...you can do this!
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