Nearly dead after a blackout
I didn't know whether to post this or not but tonight I am feeling so lost. I won't go into great detail but at the beginning of the week I drank into a blackout and attempted to take my own life. Some poor passer by called police and ambulance. If it weren't for them I would be dead now. I would never, ever have done this sober. Never. I had stopped taking my medication regularly as I was 'feeling better'. Not wise. Drinking for me is insanity. I am three days sober. Tonight I went back to my AA group. I have my familys support and professionals there, I just need to utilise that support. Most importantly I need to help myself. I am so frightened of myself. I don't want to drink. It changes me in such a terrifying way. I am going to go through the steps with a sponsor and also engage with the professionals. I need routine and purpose in my life. I know what I need to do. I just seem to be so self sabotaging despite having so much to live for.
Sorry for the ramble. I am very grateful to be alive and sober tonight. Tears came as I'm writing this. I'm just consumed by fear right now.