Thank you glitterdiva - that was strangely comforting. I don't feel so alone in this. Sometimes I do feel like i'm the only one in this terrible cycle.
I have been smart and protected myself this time... but emotionally i'm a mess. I hate him right now. I don't even know if he is still using but just the fact that he did use a few weeks ago is mind boggling to me. Like, WHY? But of course there is no answer to why. There never is.
I'm not sure that I want to give him this chance... or why I am giving him this chance. So it's back to soul searching. Is it really about the kids? No. It's about me settling and not wanting to be alone. I'm just so scared of it really being over after 13 years. It's selfish of me not wanting to do this parenting thing alone. I want a partner and even the little bit of making my life easier is easier than being alone.
So - I accept the bribery and sacrifice a little bit of my happiness. The best thing for him would be to have nothing and lose everything. I feel guilty and a little selfish that i'm still taking his help. Of course on the idea and premise that he's not using drugs anymore.