Failure or setback

Old 07-28-2014, 09:37 AM
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Failure or setback

Failure or set back - not sure. My husband had almost 200 days sober. Then he noticeably acted strange on Thursday. I knew he had used. He ended up admitting it fully last night.

My boundary was never to live with an active addict - to protect myself - and I still hold true to that. Yet, my hopeful thinking has me thinking that this could just be a lapse and not a full blown relapse. I will not know for sure until time reveals the true nature of this. Of course if it continues on i'm going to have to make him leave.

We work together. He doesn't go out with friends. He's home every night and all of his money is accounted for. He knows that he has messed up and admitted it. Which - he would have NEVER done in the past. This is new.

I'm going to continue taking care of myself and keeping my self promises. My life will move forward with or without him and i'm being extremely cautious and aware. No denial here.

I know its a very real possibility that I will be a single mom again. This time I do have a lot of "his" money he has earned saved and in a safe place. The bank (he has no passwords or access) I have been through this enough times to know his "tells" so he cannot hide the truth. If something doesn't look right, feel right.. it isn't right. I'm still in shock that he actually admitted it... which I didn't think he would and maybe this bit of being honest gave me the hope that he can pick himself up quickly and move forward. If not - I know what I will have to do. I know I will follow through. I know i'm strong. I love myself and i'm confident that either way I will be okay.
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:53 AM
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[QUOTE= I love myself and i'm confident that either way I will be okay.
[/QUOTE]


This! Good for you. As it is always said, more will be revealed. However, by knowing this you have the freedom to do the right thing once things are revealed.

Stay strong!
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Old 07-28-2014, 10:11 AM
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My boundary was never to live with an active addict - to protect myself - and I still hold true to that. Yet, my hopeful thinking has me thinking that this could just be a lapse and not a full blown relapse. I will not know for sure until time reveals the true nature of this. Of course if it continues on i'm going to have to make him leave.
Well, it sounds like you're prepared to enforce that boundary. It will not be easy. But I suspect you know this.

Keep us posted.
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Old 07-28-2014, 10:57 AM
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Admitting that he used does not necessarily mean that he is being honest but 200 days is a long stretch.

Many addicts get high and then admit it or admit to part of it. (they got drunk but not high or visa versa) just to make it appear they are trying.

I used, I am sorry.
I used, I will try harder
I used, Never again!
I used, I don’t want to do this anymore
I used, That is it, I am really going to stop this time
I used…..

I think you get the idea.

It sounds like you are on the right track though and that is important. Keep up the good work taking care of yourself.
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Old 07-28-2014, 05:47 PM
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I know it won't be easy and have enforced boundaries before. The good thing is, if the above keeps happening we have already agreed he's leaving and going out of state to a 6 month program. It's free and open to anyone in need.
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Old 07-28-2014, 06:48 PM
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You have to do what feels right to you.
If it is just a one-time slip and he's not back in active addiction,
you may both get past it.

You are very smart to be wary, however. . .
Maybe let him know he's used his "Get out jail" card?
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Old 07-28-2014, 07:48 PM
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Prayers are with you - I'd love to know where a free 6 month program is?????
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:46 PM
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Ed Keating Center
Cleveland, OH

It isn't rehab, you have to be dry (post detox cuz it isn't a medical facility) to get in. It's a sober living facility, based on AA 12 steps.
$300 a month if you can afford it, no cost if you can't afford it but are sincere about staying sober. They do wonderful work, check out their website
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Old 07-29-2014, 03:04 PM
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I am sorry you are going through this again. My AH has just hit 90 days and I am walking on eggshells or so it seems. Is your husband in AA/NA? For me - I know that at some point most likely he will relapse, I mean, it is a possibility, that's why all we can say for sure is what we do today. Today he is sober and in a program, working with sponsor. Everything else I have turned over to the care of God. I found that it is unrealistic to ask for anything but one day at a time sobriety. However, my requirement is that he has to be in a program. It is the only thing that worked for him, ever. If he is not, then he is not willing to be sober and that is when he has to leave. I also separated all finances. Have to. Sending positive thoughts and prayers
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Old 07-29-2014, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Amysad View Post
Prayers are with you - I'd love to know where a free 6 month program is?????
The Salvation Army has very good programs, some 3 months some 6 and some for a year. They are all free and have a good reputation. This may not be the program KeepingItReal's husband is going to but wanted to offer that as well.

KeepingItReal, you sound solid in your own recovery and ready to do what you need to do...if you need to do it. Time will bring you clarity.

I'm sorry you are going through this and hope that this is just a brief relapse that he can learn from and grow.

Hugs
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:48 AM
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Amysad - the program is called "PIVOT" I'm not sure what it stands for. It's a spiritual based center that has a huge emphasis on spirituality through Christ Jesus. Many of the men that went to his last program benefited from going away there. When they were "out of control" his last program would send them to pivot for 30 days and everyone who had come back from it raved about it being the best thing ever and wishing that they could have stayed there. When we googled the program after he left we found that it's open to anyone willing to want change. Neither of the programs will accept anyone that isn't willing to give 100%. It's pretty intense.. but i'm sure that is what is needed. Teen Challenge was the last program my husband was in - he did not finish - he stayed for almost 4 months and then left. The Teen Challenge program is 14 months and the PIVOT program is 6 months and then an option to stay an addiction at the mountain. Wherever that is. I'm not sure.
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Old 07-30-2014, 11:14 AM
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i just googled, it's Pivot Ministries. Pivot is not an acronym, it refers to the deinition of pivot - a turning point. it sounds very intense. but so was the Teen Challenge and he bailed on that.

you said if the using keeps happening...what does that mean? ONE more time? five? we can call it a slip, a slide, a relapse...bottom line, he used again. intentionally. whatever he's doing to "stay clean" ain't working, or perhaps better said, he's not working it with enough commitment to not use again no matter what.
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:02 PM
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Anvil - I agree.

My rationalization is that "most" programs are 90 days and that he stayed longer than that period of time. I knew all along that this was a possibility. He had also promised to go to this program if he relapsed.

I'm the one hoping this is a lapse and he can pick himself up. It's nice not having to struggle so hard financially and having someone to help with the kids and pick up half the house work. I work full time plus.

I asked him what I should do if he used again. He said I expect you to do the right thing and kick my ass out. That's what I will do. One more time, he's done. I have already talked to his Dad about what is going on (not keeping secrets) and have made him aware of what's going on. Not that anyone can do anything about a grown mans decisions to use drugs or not.. but he will not be staying with me.

I will not be drug testing, checking or obsessing either. If he doesn't look right, if things don't feel right... or anything that makes me suspicious he will be out. He is not on my lease and he has separate medical insurance. I have been smart about my choices.

Thanks for keeping reality in check. He's been "sick" the last 2 days at work... and probably for the next couple of days... but I don't feel bad for him at all. So.. time will tell. If he looks high - he is.. and off he goes.
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:36 PM
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On a better note i'm going to get the kids more fish for their fish tank and distracting myself with cleaning and steam cleaning all the carpets in my house. Productive and time consuming.
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:44 PM
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Sounds like you have a plan to keep your side of the street clean, that is a super great thing.

XXX
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Old 08-09-2014, 07:10 AM
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I know what I have to do - I'm not sure how I should carry out what I have to do.

I want to tell him to leave. This man keeps disappointing me. I don't know if it's chronic selfishness on his part or not. I don't think it's up to me - to diagnosis.

I'm not sure if i'm going to ever learn my lesson and just leave him for good. I really don't know.

The positives in this whole situation is that I have been welcomed by a community church and feel that I have a better family for knowing all the great people that I have met. I can go to my celebrate recovery meetings with or without him - thanks to having child care there. I have lost 43lbs (good thing) exercising and eating healthy. I maintain my job, my house and finances with our without him and know that I DON'T NEED HIM.

I have to make him go. I have to find someone else to fill his position at my job. I have to tell the kids that daddy is going away again.

The life I choose - to be partnered with an addict. Not fun. I feel like i'm the only adult. The only responsible one. I can hear his excuses.

The hardest part is - is that where we are right now - all his behaviors are trying to mask the truth. He's being overly generous and taking me out to the movies and paying for everything. He's giving me all his money. Yet, I know it doesn't make it okay... and how I know that things can switch really bad in a few days or weeks.

I can't let him trick me. I have to stand strong. I am just so sad right now and disappointed.
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Old 08-09-2014, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal View Post
I know what I have to do - I'm not sure how I should carry out what I have to do.

I want to tell him to leave. This man keeps disappointing me. I don't know if it's chronic selfishness on his part or not. I don't think it's up to me - to diagnosis.

I'm not sure if i'm going to ever learn my lesson and just leave him for good. I really don't know.

The positives in this whole situation is that I have been welcomed by a community church and feel that I have a better family for knowing all the great people that I have met. I can go to my celebrate recovery meetings with or without him - thanks to having child care there. I have lost 43lbs (good thing) exercising and eating healthy. I maintain my job, my house and finances with our without him and know that I DON'T NEED HIM.

I have to make him go. I have to find someone else to fill his position at my job. I have to tell the kids that daddy is going away again.

The life I choose - to be partnered with an addict. Not fun. I feel like i'm the only adult. The only responsible one. I can hear his excuses.

The hardest part is - is that where we are right now - all his behaviors are trying to mask the truth. He's being overly generous and taking me out to the movies and paying for everything. He's giving me all his money. Yet, I know it doesn't make it okay... and how I know that things can switch really bad in a few days or weeks.

I can't let him trick me. I have to stand strong. I am just so sad right now and disappointed.

Funny how me and you never met and our husbands I am sure are very different. Yet, I am reading my story right now somewhere on a web AH relapsed yesterday after 90 days of sobriety. Same chit, same disappointment. Same story. Same promises. All the same. I also know what I have to do - ask him to leave. Because nothing is changing, he is relapsing and doing it again over and over and over again. And I too want someone normal in his place. Someone whom I don't have to worry about on a Friday night, because i know that he is not getting high, but rather working late. And I trust him and don't doubt him. This someone is not AH and never gonna be AH.

Mine does the same - trying to please me, actually been building a fence around our house today. Got high yesterday and today boom, we got a fence. And I feel guilty because, well, look at him, he is doing something for a family.

We never met, yet our stories are the same. Because they are addicts and that's what addicts do. They f-p and then try to make us feel guilty and bad for them so that we don't kick them to the curb.
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Old 08-12-2014, 06:32 AM
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Thank you glitterdiva - that was strangely comforting. I don't feel so alone in this. Sometimes I do feel like i'm the only one in this terrible cycle.

I have been smart and protected myself this time... but emotionally i'm a mess. I hate him right now. I don't even know if he is still using but just the fact that he did use a few weeks ago is mind boggling to me. Like, WHY? But of course there is no answer to why. There never is.

I'm not sure that I want to give him this chance... or why I am giving him this chance. So it's back to soul searching. Is it really about the kids? No. It's about me settling and not wanting to be alone. I'm just so scared of it really being over after 13 years. It's selfish of me not wanting to do this parenting thing alone. I want a partner and even the little bit of making my life easier is easier than being alone.

So - I accept the bribery and sacrifice a little bit of my happiness. The best thing for him would be to have nothing and lose everything. I feel guilty and a little selfish that i'm still taking his help. Of course on the idea and premise that he's not using drugs anymore.
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:18 AM
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Wow listening to both You and Glitterdeva really puts the ? in my mind if this EVER really works with an addict or recovering addict.... I am going through a really tough time right now with my Ex-Hus Addict.... He is sober now since Nov and doing really well. I posted about him yesterday... We have become very close again, but it always seems he doesn't understand what his addiction has done to everyone and that it all takes time to heal.. He apparently feels 9 months is long enough and everyone should be ready to move on like one big happy family and not everyone is ready for that... TRUST take a long time to earn back... Does it ever happen?
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