pippi, I ain't no saint here. I had a "friends with benefits" after I left my ex. I also considered a married man.
The "friends with benefits" ended, because we were only meant to be friends. It would have been like jumping from the fire back into the frying pan. The reason it worked for awhile was because he needed to keep his "mask" on. If he took his "mask" off and exposed his real self, we would have had a biiiiiigggggg problem. We decided we just wanted to be friends, so that we could have each other in our lives. If we continued, it would have been a disaster.
Married men, I thought about that for awhile. I was so envious of good marriages. I wanted one of those men. But what would I have actually gotten?
I realized that I was afraid of making another mistake. I didn't want to be serious with anyone, but I wanted to feel loved and cared about. I think in a way I also wanted to feel attractive, and someone who might be worthy of another man.
I wanted to "practice" dating. I wasn't feeling too good about myself, and these men were safe because it wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't want to rebound to someone who was actually available. That would scare the cr@p out of me.
I did find out that I needed to love myself and appreciate myself. That I didn't need a man to make me feel attractive. It was OK for me to just love me for who I was. I'm close to 6 years out after a 25 "in" marriage. I am just starting to think of a different future for me, and that I might be able to handle one.
We've been so beaten down, made to feel undesirable, that we tend to seek any kind of positive attention shown us. But is this what we really want?
I think sometimes at the end of the day, I knew it was just a farce, and it didn't make me feel any better.