Oh wow Pippi - you have really been through hell. I am so sorry that this continues to be such an ordeal for you. XAH can only destroy you if you let him. I get that you are tired of this fight. Eventually though it has to end. And it will end with you alive.
As for the marrieds - I get that too at least I get that you are enjoying the "strings free" attention. Getting caught in an affair is a cluster f**k like you can't imagine. But I am not going to sit here and lecture you about bringing something else negative into your life (like a wife finding out about you) because I see it is your escape, and a waste to try.
Wishing you peace and strength - and praying that this will all end soon you have really been through enough.