Plain and simple relapse sucks. The only positive thing I can say about it is the learning experiences I received from it.
It is painful, confusing, and irritating. That hope that I once had is a smashed and my hopelessness rules my life.
I think the only thing I hang onto when I get my first day or two days sober is the hard fact that I want this. I want to be clean and not run my face in the ground. I want a different life.
So what stop us? Our resentments against a the world, or even bigger our resentments towards ourselves.
I figured out quickly this time around that I MUST be patient with myself, or I am done for before I have the opportunity to stay clean. I have to know I am going to do a lot of wrong, yet instead of me just being "wrong or bad" all of the time I have to twist my thinking as to telling myself I need and want to be better. I have an opportunity to do great. Not to prove anyone wrong, but to get to know and learn to love myself.
It is awesome that you are willing to hear others out around you when it's painful. Telling myself positive things and doing my best to change my thinking has helped me tremendously.
When I get irritated or am overwhelmed with this feeling of helplessness I find someone or something that will walk me through that feeling.
The cliche saying "this too shall pass" is very true. I get random cravings, even when I am happy my addict mind says things are going great, a shot won't hurt.
I have done it for so long, it's all I have ever known. So I tell myself a different story, tell someone what my mind is saying and how outrageously ridiculous it is and keep moving forward.
I hang onto the hope that one day, I will have freedom from all of the pain and anger I hold onto. So many people have had this... Why not I????
Also, prayer seems to help through out my day. I used to roll my eyes and slander anything to do with it. Yet it relieves my mind for a moment and I need any relief I can get.