Before logging back to this site yesterday, I hadn't been here since roughly July 19th, 2013. For some this may not make sense. For others, they may be thinking, Damn! Shell's back. Same story. Different Year.
Last time I was posting on here, people seemed very critical of one another. I'm in that space that you're all familiar with. Feeling a little thin. Perhaps a little crazy even. Definitely hurting inside.
My AW sought and I think maintained sobriety in 2012. In 2013 she fell back to drinking. She picked herself back up, we moved to a better place and things were looking up. That's not say she was sober and probably why I was in here posting over a year ago this month. Well, she only drank here and there. Maybe a month or 3 would pass and she'd slip again. It was just enough time between a binge that I'd "get" over the anger that fuels me. I never forget, I never forgave. She never apologized. Probably never will.
So here I am again. It's July 2014. Her cycle has been in full swing. She's very active again. Lies come easier for her now no matter how completely stumbling drunk she is. No! I'm not drunk! That's what she says to me. She has more experience under her belt. She's evolved. She's becoming a pro.
My son is 5 now. He's aware of things. He clings to me when I get home from work. He fights with his mom all day long. He tells me how much he loves me. How much he hates his mommy. Breaks my heart. My AW appeared to be sober and so my son came out of daycare for the summer to be with his mom and do fun things. That didn't really work out for either of them. She started drinking. She blames him. She blames me. She blames the dirt in the back yard. Typical.
Things broke bad last night. I called in some help from other family members to keep things cool but they were blazing hot. I can't recall when I've been so mad. So disappointed, sad and broken. Oh wait. It was a year ago to the month! No! It was last month when I first started documenting things again....On exactly the same date that I documented in 2013. The alcoholism is almost robotic in it's precision to follow some cycle. It's frightening for me to re-read what I wrote 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 years ago. I could change the years and it'd pretty much be the same damn story.
Here's what'S different. What's new. She's going to attend her first outpatient addiction program starting tomorrow. She saw an addiction therapist back in 2011.
Here's something not so different. My son is going back to full-time daycare until he goes to Kindergarten. AW didn't want that. At least not today. Last night in a drunken stupor she blamed me for taking him out of daycare cause he misses his friends. The insanity of a drunk person is so shocking.
So what have I been doing? I haven't touched my guitar but I've lost over 60 pounds and counting. Physically I'm feeling good. Sleeping better. Mentally, I'm cooked. I'm failing at working on my own codependency issues but I'm excelling at being a father.
I don't really know what to expect. Perhaps I should expect to take things 1 day at a time...again.
I don't think I have any savvy introspective comments.
Perhaps I'm here just to know that I'm reaching out for help again. For support. To talk with people that know what I'm talking about and understand whats going on in my mind and heart.
I've been at it since 2008 with her. It's been 6 years of hell with maybe 23 months of life and I'm back in hell. I think I drew my line in the sand but that line seems to move...I think I know that I flat out don't like her anymore, don't want to be around her, don't want my son to be around her. I think I want to divorce her, struggle through the super hard transition times that you all talk about and look forward to some peace.
I really think I gave her one more chance to disappoint me and negatively impact my son. This make me mad at myself more than I am at her. I'm pretty sure that I need to work harder on me and I know that I'm very weak.
Happy Anniversary!
Shell