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Annual Cycle has begun

Old 07-30-2014, 01:25 PM
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Annual Cycle has begun

Before logging back to this site yesterday, I hadn't been here since roughly July 19th, 2013. For some this may not make sense. For others, they may be thinking, Damn! Shell's back. Same story. Different Year.

Last time I was posting on here, people seemed very critical of one another. I'm in that space that you're all familiar with. Feeling a little thin. Perhaps a little crazy even. Definitely hurting inside.

My AW sought and I think maintained sobriety in 2012. In 2013 she fell back to drinking. She picked herself back up, we moved to a better place and things were looking up. That's not say she was sober and probably why I was in here posting over a year ago this month. Well, she only drank here and there. Maybe a month or 3 would pass and she'd slip again. It was just enough time between a binge that I'd "get" over the anger that fuels me. I never forget, I never forgave. She never apologized. Probably never will.

So here I am again. It's July 2014. Her cycle has been in full swing. She's very active again. Lies come easier for her now no matter how completely stumbling drunk she is. No! I'm not drunk! That's what she says to me. She has more experience under her belt. She's evolved. She's becoming a pro.

My son is 5 now. He's aware of things. He clings to me when I get home from work. He fights with his mom all day long. He tells me how much he loves me. How much he hates his mommy. Breaks my heart. My AW appeared to be sober and so my son came out of daycare for the summer to be with his mom and do fun things. That didn't really work out for either of them. She started drinking. She blames him. She blames me. She blames the dirt in the back yard. Typical.

Things broke bad last night. I called in some help from other family members to keep things cool but they were blazing hot. I can't recall when I've been so mad. So disappointed, sad and broken. Oh wait. It was a year ago to the month! No! It was last month when I first started documenting things again....On exactly the same date that I documented in 2013. The alcoholism is almost robotic in it's precision to follow some cycle. It's frightening for me to re-read what I wrote 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 years ago. I could change the years and it'd pretty much be the same damn story.

Here's what'S different. What's new. She's going to attend her first outpatient addiction program starting tomorrow. She saw an addiction therapist back in 2011.

Here's something not so different. My son is going back to full-time daycare until he goes to Kindergarten. AW didn't want that. At least not today. Last night in a drunken stupor she blamed me for taking him out of daycare cause he misses his friends. The insanity of a drunk person is so shocking.

So what have I been doing? I haven't touched my guitar but I've lost over 60 pounds and counting. Physically I'm feeling good. Sleeping better. Mentally, I'm cooked. I'm failing at working on my own codependency issues but I'm excelling at being a father.

I don't really know what to expect. Perhaps I should expect to take things 1 day at a time...again.

I don't think I have any savvy introspective comments.

Perhaps I'm here just to know that I'm reaching out for help again. For support. To talk with people that know what I'm talking about and understand whats going on in my mind and heart.

I've been at it since 2008 with her. It's been 6 years of hell with maybe 23 months of life and I'm back in hell. I think I drew my line in the sand but that line seems to move...I think I know that I flat out don't like her anymore, don't want to be around her, don't want my son to be around her. I think I want to divorce her, struggle through the super hard transition times that you all talk about and look forward to some peace.

I really think I gave her one more chance to disappoint me and negatively impact my son. This make me mad at myself more than I am at her. I'm pretty sure that I need to work harder on me and I know that I'm very weak.

Happy Anniversary!

Shell
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:33 PM
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Welcome back.
First off, I think it's great that you've taken the important step of protecting your son. My youngest is five, and also about to start kindergarten next year, so I know how heartbreaking that is. My son loves his daddy, but his daddy is too dangerous to spend time unsupervised with him.
Whether your wife chooses sobriety or not, have you done anything for yourself? Protecting your son is a great step, but are you protecting yourself? I know you said you've been here before, so forgive me for being unfamiliar with your story. Have you tried any programs like Alanon or celebrate recovery for yourself? I attend Alanon meetings, but from what I understand CR has programs for young children, so you could take your son along if leaving him home with your wife isn't an option.
Trust me, I know all about that shifting line in the sand. "If x happens, I'm outta here." Then x happens, but it doesn't seem so terrible,and leaving is so hard and what if things really do get better this time? That's why Alanon has been a lifesaver for me. Learning about boundaries, unacceptable behavior and my own role in the whole mess.
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:33 PM
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Hugs. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this cycle again. One thing I will contradict you on is that you are not weak in fact you have been incredibly strong for what you have been through!!

Your right you do need to focus on you and your son and make decisions in your best interests and the interests of your child.

I wish you luck and hope you find the peace you so rightly deserve
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:46 PM
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Thank you!
Yes. After figuring out my password last night and before I posted here, I found an Al Anon just down the street. After work. Specifically for Recovering Men. It's tomorrow and I'm going.
I've not gone before but everyone echos the same thing. That I need to go and I'm going. I'm feeling way tooo disconnected from what's okay vs. not and I know I need to work on my head. My bodies good. My heads a mess.
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:51 PM
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Wow Shell- so many similarities for me. Really hits home- The lies, the blame, the cyclical and predictable nature, giving more chances just to be disappointed... Glad you've re-posted and seeking the support from SR- really has helped me remember I'm not insane trying to 'figure out' this insane disease. Good for you working on the fathering skills- that's most important. So I guess the question is, are you making any preparations to move on? Sure sounds like you're at the point of no return. I know for me, finally making that decision (even though i haven't actually delivered papers yet) has been somewhat empowering- finally feel like I'm taking steps towards obtaining my own peace from this hell, and better sheltering the kids from it as well. Wishing you the best.
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Thank you!
Yes. After figuring out my password last night and before I posted here, I found an Al Anon just down the street. After work. Specifically for Recovering Men. It's tomorrow and I'm going.
I've not gone before but everyone echos the same thing. That I need to go and I'm going. I'm feeling way tooo disconnected from what's okay vs. not and I know I need to work on my head. My bodies good. My heads a mess.
Sounds like a plan. Hope your meeting goes well. I know Alanon has made me a better mother. If I say I'm thinking of skipping a meeting my 12 yo son says "No mom, you should go to your meeting." Although he might just be trying to get me out of the house, lol.
Best wishes to you and your son, glad you remembered that password, you're in the right place.
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Old 07-31-2014, 01:56 PM
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Not to do a play by play here but alas! The BS quacking has started.

The AW was supposed to go to outpatient therapy today. Well, there were too many people in front of her, she didn't want to wait so she got her paperwork and left.

Apparently Monday is when she's going back. I didn't know Friday was broken!

It's so painful when you put things on a clock. I've given her over 6 years of patience. She can't even give herself 1 hour of help.

My Al Anon meeting is tonight. I'm set to explode and seeking the start of some clarity or something.
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Old 07-31-2014, 01:59 PM
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Glad you are going to Alanon, it will help!

((hugs))
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Old 07-31-2014, 02:53 PM
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Hi Shellcrusher,

I wonder about how things are going for you from time to time. When I saw your name I was both glad to see there would be an update and my heart sank a little presuming why you'd be here to update. I'm glad you posted. I'm glad you found a meeting for tonight. Congrats on the weight loss - that is great. I'm sorry your little boy is caught in the cross hairs. The consistency of daycare will help.

Deep breath, get a meeting or two, and decide your next step. Not all the steps, just the next one.
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Old 07-31-2014, 02:57 PM
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Hi Thumper.
I appreciate the words as with everyone else.
I'm sure you'll believe it when I tell you how the daycare issue became the "I am now the enemy taking the boy away"...Quack! Quack!

I'm currently very nervous to go to this meeting. I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
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Old 07-31-2014, 03:05 PM
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There is a lot swirling around so the nervous feeling is understandable and probably only half about the meeting and the rest about the swirl. As long as you go anyway it will all be good.

Oh yes - the quacking. It is about to get deafening i imagine. Bend like a Willow, stand like an Oak!
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Old 07-31-2014, 05:04 PM
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I can certainly relate to the cycles, and once I started recognizing this, I was able to brace myself for AH's attacks. My (STEX)AH always ramped up this time of year, as school was starting (I'm a teacher, so it is very stressful), and made life He11 for my DD and me. I stopped the cycle by moving out this May. At least, I stopped my part of the cycle...I just couldn't do it any longer.

Peace to you, and hopefully you will find a solution that works for you and your DS

Last edited by Yurt; 07-31-2014 at 05:05 PM. Reason: Clarity
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Old 07-31-2014, 06:28 PM
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I went. I went. Nothing but nods of understanding. I talked most of the time. I'll be going back.
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