My son...sober 1 year but I cannot do anything right!
Hello Everyone,
My heart is just so crushed right now...thought I would share this and get some feedback. I am a member of this forum as a substance abuser, hydro's, and am 65 days sober today. But right now, I am posting as the parent of an adult son who just celebrated his 1 year sober birthday. I am so grateful for every day he has been sober an am very proud of him, however I am at a loss as in how to respond to him anymore.
He is very, very, very sensitive...especially for the past 6 months or so. No one can joke with him and it seems that most days, his life is horrible and he says that the world is after him and out to get him. Or, that life keeps throwing him curve balls and he simply cannot get ahead. I admit, with my head hung very low, that I have allowed him to successfully manipulate me...pretty much since he got sober...more so than when he wasn't sober. When I say "manipulate"...I'm talking about financially. I have fallen into a cycle of him asking for money and promising me that this is the time that will get he and his wife out of debt and he will not ask for anything else. Then the next day he is so very happy and relieved, etc. Then a few days later, he is in crisis mode again and begins to set the scenario that leads to him asking me for money again. I'm beginning to see that there is no amount of money that will satisfy this 29 year-old of mine! And I have given him so very large amounts, only to have him ask for more about a week later. All of this is gradually weighing me down, plus I haven't been to Al Anon in about 4 months.
Last night was horrific, in my books. Last night was his AA 1 year sober birthday party. I wanted it to be special and I cooked all of his favorites... bacon wrapped jalapeņos, homemade red velvet cake and homemade ice cream . I'm not looking for accolades, however I did all of this in order to make him feel very special and loved. I bought him a necklace as a token of how far he had come in a year. I also bought him two tickets to a wrestling match he wanted to see. About 30 min before the meeting started, I get a text from him that life has, once again, f----- him over and his car window was trying to come off the hinges and that he just wasn't going to come. I didn't tell him about the food, etc. I just listened and said okay. However, his wife talked him into coming and pretty soon they were at my door. His attitude was HORRIBLE...and all of us in the room were quiet and not sure what to say. We finally got to the meeting, sat our food down, joined the group for prayer and got in line to eat. My son was right in front of me and while we were standing there, I looked at my daughter-in-law and said "Wow! I was really worried ya'll weren't' coming but I decided that I was going to bring the food I cooked anyway and share it with the others that are here." At that point, my son turned around and informed me "I think I will just leave now, since you are going to poke fun at me"! He walked out of the party and was gone for about 15 min. He texted his wife to come get him, because he took off on foot. A few of my Al Anon friends are also in AA, and they asked me what happened. After I explained it to them, they said "Let it go...this is his issue and for some reason he is having problems with his 1 year anniversary." I kept eating, but was naturally upset. Pretty soon...he came walking back in...right over to me and stood there and began raising his voice at me an tell me how insensitive I was, how I had ruined the day for him and how "f----- up" his life is right now and he couldn't believe his own mother would hurt him like that. He was loud and people were staring. I told him I was sorry and that it was not my intent to upset him and to please forgive me for being insensitive. But...he kept on griping at me...he wasn't done. At that point, I was humiliated beyond belief, upset that I had caused my son's 1 year sober party to be horrible for him because of what I had said...I was killed. I started sobbing, just so hurt and embarrassed and upset. I wanted to run out of the meeting. Finally, when I started sobbing, my son told me to stop crying, that it was over and it was fine now. I couldn't stop crying and it made him angry. So he lit into me again and this time...my husband, who is my son's step dad, stepped in and asked my son to please back off and give me same consideration I gave him in letting him work through what was happening. My son then get up and left the table.
We made our way to the other room, where the meeting was about to begin. My son received his 1 year sobriety chip and gave a heart warming acceptance speech. He apologized for making a scene earlier and was glad he came.
Please know that I am so proud of him and grateful for every day he is sober...which is why I feel such guilt at not being able to handle him constantly asking me for money. Even yesterday, the day after the scene between he and I, he asked me for money to make his car payment. I told him that all I had was my weekly $100.00 budget money in which I can do whatever I want to with it. He said, "Well...let me have that, it will help...but it won't make the entire car payment." He is drawing unemployment right now, and slinging sandwiches at a restaurant. His wife just started a full time job about 3 weeks ago. They were both unemployed for over a month prior to that. She suffers from depression. I've wondered if he has switched habits and that's what the money is going for. I'm at a loss. I do know that one reason he didn't get a truck driving job right after he lost his last job as a truck driving instructor is that he smoked a joint with his cousin. He told me about it and then said he had to wait a month for it to get out of his system.
I apologize for dumping everything out here, but I'm just so upset. I cannot figure out how to say "no more money" to him. He gets ugly with me when I say no and defends his cause.
I'm at a loss here.....
Clatono