My son...sober 1 year but I cannot do anything right!

Old 07-29-2014, 06:46 AM
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My son...sober 1 year but I cannot do anything right!

Hello Everyone,

My heart is just so crushed right now...thought I would share this and get some feedback. I am a member of this forum as a substance abuser, hydro's, and am 65 days sober today. But right now, I am posting as the parent of an adult son who just celebrated his 1 year sober birthday. I am so grateful for every day he has been sober an am very proud of him, however I am at a loss as in how to respond to him anymore.

He is very, very, very sensitive...especially for the past 6 months or so. No one can joke with him and it seems that most days, his life is horrible and he says that the world is after him and out to get him. Or, that life keeps throwing him curve balls and he simply cannot get ahead. I admit, with my head hung very low, that I have allowed him to successfully manipulate me...pretty much since he got sober...more so than when he wasn't sober. When I say "manipulate"...I'm talking about financially. I have fallen into a cycle of him asking for money and promising me that this is the time that will get he and his wife out of debt and he will not ask for anything else. Then the next day he is so very happy and relieved, etc. Then a few days later, he is in crisis mode again and begins to set the scenario that leads to him asking me for money again. I'm beginning to see that there is no amount of money that will satisfy this 29 year-old of mine! And I have given him so very large amounts, only to have him ask for more about a week later. All of this is gradually weighing me down, plus I haven't been to Al Anon in about 4 months.

Last night was horrific, in my books. Last night was his AA 1 year sober birthday party. I wanted it to be special and I cooked all of his favorites... bacon wrapped jalapeņos, homemade red velvet cake and homemade ice cream . I'm not looking for accolades, however I did all of this in order to make him feel very special and loved. I bought him a necklace as a token of how far he had come in a year. I also bought him two tickets to a wrestling match he wanted to see. About 30 min before the meeting started, I get a text from him that life has, once again, f----- him over and his car window was trying to come off the hinges and that he just wasn't going to come. I didn't tell him about the food, etc. I just listened and said okay. However, his wife talked him into coming and pretty soon they were at my door. His attitude was HORRIBLE...and all of us in the room were quiet and not sure what to say. We finally got to the meeting, sat our food down, joined the group for prayer and got in line to eat. My son was right in front of me and while we were standing there, I looked at my daughter-in-law and said "Wow! I was really worried ya'll weren't' coming but I decided that I was going to bring the food I cooked anyway and share it with the others that are here." At that point, my son turned around and informed me "I think I will just leave now, since you are going to poke fun at me"! He walked out of the party and was gone for about 15 min. He texted his wife to come get him, because he took off on foot. A few of my Al Anon friends are also in AA, and they asked me what happened. After I explained it to them, they said "Let it go...this is his issue and for some reason he is having problems with his 1 year anniversary." I kept eating, but was naturally upset. Pretty soon...he came walking back in...right over to me and stood there and began raising his voice at me an tell me how insensitive I was, how I had ruined the day for him and how "f----- up" his life is right now and he couldn't believe his own mother would hurt him like that. He was loud and people were staring. I told him I was sorry and that it was not my intent to upset him and to please forgive me for being insensitive. But...he kept on griping at me...he wasn't done. At that point, I was humiliated beyond belief, upset that I had caused my son's 1 year sober party to be horrible for him because of what I had said...I was killed. I started sobbing, just so hurt and embarrassed and upset. I wanted to run out of the meeting. Finally, when I started sobbing, my son told me to stop crying, that it was over and it was fine now. I couldn't stop crying and it made him angry. So he lit into me again and this time...my husband, who is my son's step dad, stepped in and asked my son to please back off and give me same consideration I gave him in letting him work through what was happening. My son then get up and left the table.

We made our way to the other room, where the meeting was about to begin. My son received his 1 year sobriety chip and gave a heart warming acceptance speech. He apologized for making a scene earlier and was glad he came.

Please know that I am so proud of him and grateful for every day he is sober...which is why I feel such guilt at not being able to handle him constantly asking me for money. Even yesterday, the day after the scene between he and I, he asked me for money to make his car payment. I told him that all I had was my weekly $100.00 budget money in which I can do whatever I want to with it. He said, "Well...let me have that, it will help...but it won't make the entire car payment." He is drawing unemployment right now, and slinging sandwiches at a restaurant. His wife just started a full time job about 3 weeks ago. They were both unemployed for over a month prior to that. She suffers from depression. I've wondered if he has switched habits and that's what the money is going for. I'm at a loss. I do know that one reason he didn't get a truck driving job right after he lost his last job as a truck driving instructor is that he smoked a joint with his cousin. He told me about it and then said he had to wait a month for it to get out of his system.

I apologize for dumping everything out here, but I'm just so upset. I cannot figure out how to say "no more money" to him. He gets ugly with me when I say no and defends his cause.

I'm at a loss here.....

Clatono
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:02 AM
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I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
I would be too after treatment like that.

I suggest you stop giving him money and set some boundaries for his treatment of you.

Verbal abuse such as you are describing should never be tolerated from anyone.
It may mean you need to go no contact with him for awhile.

I understand that early recovery is a tough time emotionally as I am also a recovered alcoholic, however, it seems you are being used as a scapegoat and emotional dumping ground.

This isn't good for you or him.
You are quite right that no amount of money will be enough so stop the supply.
Glad you are here and I'm sending you some big hugs--
You sounds like a wonderful, loving, sensitive mother to me.
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:12 AM
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Clatono, it might be time for you to take the next step in your recovery and detach from your son, and stop rewarding for his behaviour. He is abusing you financially and emotionally, and if you find yourself denying this, go back and read your post. Read it as if it was someone else you are reading about.
He is responsible for his mood, his sobriety, his financial management, and how his day goes. Not you. You seem to have taken all his burdens on board, and accept the blame for them, like a victim of abuse will often do.
You may need support for saying no to him, because he 'gets ugly', and you feel threatened. The solution is to stop giving him money and ride out his rage, but you may not feel strong enough to do this right now, which is why I suggest support. Where does your husband stand in all this? Can you count on him to see your son off when he gets abusive?
Please don't think that behaving the way you do now will bring you closer to him, or help him. You're teaching him that all he has to do is threaten and bully and he'll get what he wants.
As for his sobriety, I know this sounds harsh, but it's not really your business. He's married now, he's an adult, and you're reinforcing the idea that he's a child who continually needs your support and help. In some personalities, this just reinforces their own tendency to bully through fear and lack of confidence in themselves. Step back and let him do it for himself. He won't like it but if you want him to grow up, it's the only way.
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:21 AM
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...the day after the scene between he and I, he asked me for money to make his car payment. I told him that all I had was my weekly $100.00 budget money in which I can do whatever I want to with it. He said, "Well...let me have that, it will help...but it won't make the entire car payment."
How ungrateful and demanding! It is not your responsibility to make his car payments. Especially when he treats you the way he does and shows no gratitude for all the help you have given him in the past.

I'm sorry he treats you so poorly. You don't deserve that and the best way to let him know you won't be giving him money is to just be honest. He's almost 30 years old and never going to learn to live within his means if you keep bailing him out.

It's time for him to grow up.
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:27 AM
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Contrary to your thread title, you do a lot right--you are a loving mother, extremely considerate and generous, and I can see through your words to see that you are probably friendly and great in social settings.

I identified with your behavior--I have an AH and an alcoholic brother who think of me as a cash cow, and they have every reason to, based on my own willingness to just dole it out upon request. It's hard. My brother says he only has $20 to get him to the end of the month. AH "just" needs $20 a day to feed his addictions and his friends.

And I feel like I so badly want to be the third leg on the two-legged stools in my life who have such a hard time standing by themselves. So I get it--but I've also learned this is a PROBLEM I have--it's not a SOLUTION for the person I'm trying so hard to support.

Imagery helps me a lot, and when I have a hard time detaching from sullen, mean abusive speech, I think of that spiritual goal of being like a rock in a river. Because I typically am a "go with the flow" person--I literally go with the flow and just absorb all the flotsam and jetsam of the feelings of people around me.

So I have to recognize when it's time to just be the rock and be still, be solid, and don't be swayed by externalities.

If I can't do that, it's up to me to detach physically, and not answer the phone, and go out and do my thing and leave others to theirs.

I know it's all so hard, but YOU did nothing wrong. He owns the problem.

Good luck to you..
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:30 AM
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Hello. Congrats to you and your son on your sobriety.

I was married to a man who is very much like your son. Every little thing that would happen sits him off into a whoa is me type attitude and he would get depressed and down for very small things (sort of like the car window being off it's hinges). I know money trouble can really stress a person out, but if you continue to bail him out of his money trouble you are not helping him at all. Gently let him know you don't have the extra funds to do so anymore.

Your son is inconsiderate and self absorbed. He likely has a personality disorder. There is not much you can do about that, only him. I second that it may be time to do some detatching from him. Nothing you did was anything but kind and considerate, in my opinion you should be upset with him for how he acted. He should be the one saying I'm sorry.

I am glad you are here. Don't let yourself be mentally or financially manipulated any longer. You are not doing your son or yourself any favors by allowing that to happen.

Good luck to you and God Bless. Stick around, read the stickies. You are not alone.
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:43 AM
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You've set up a bad situation, possibly because of your own guilt, but the money lending MUST stop.

All of the behaviour is not acceptable. I guess this is only one side of the story, but the money lending concerns me the most.

I absolutely understand it's tough and you don't want to see him struggle...but he must sort his own finances out.
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:06 AM
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Congratulations on your time sober. You should be worrying about you, not him.

You need to back away from him in every aspect. Financially, emotionally, physically and leave him to his own sobriety. All of them are for him to deal with, not you. He is 29 years old. Time to grow up and take control of his own life.

You are in no way responsible for him, his actions, his reactions, his money issues. They are his and they should be left for him to handle. If he does not then he will be your 39 year old, your 49 year old and your 59 year old son that still treats you badly and takes advantage. He won’t stop on his own because he is getting away with it.

Some crying, screaming and kicking his feet and everybody bows to him to keep the peace. That needs to stop.

It is for his own good as well as yours.
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:36 AM
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You know in the past year, I have eaten one meal at my parents house.

Yesterday I cried because I felt so ill and alone.
I would give my high teeth to have a mum who cooked for me and had my best interests at heart.

I wish you the best xxxx
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:47 AM
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Clatono, you are obviously a kind caring mother and realize he is manipulating you. I would make it clear to him that you are under no obligation to even look at him let alone give him all your spare money. Rootin for ya.

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Old 07-29-2014, 11:45 AM
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One of the best, hardest things I learned in a family recovery program was "No is a complete sentence." You have the right to say "No" without needing to justify, rationalize, explain. Your son will have his reaction....and that's okay too. Let him have his reaction. Let him kick, scream, complain, etc. His reaction does not require a response from you. Say "No" consistently and he will finally get the message. Give him the dignity as an adult to figure out his own way....stop rescuing. He has to learn to meet life on life's terms. From what you've described, he may be sober but I don't think he's found true recovery yet. If he works the steps honestly, he will learn to live differently. But as long as no one can say "No" to him, there is no motivation for change.
It's not easy.....but it works.
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Old 07-29-2014, 11:53 AM
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Goodness reading that was like a peak into the future of my 13yo. He is so so very much like you describe. I worry more about him than any of my other kids. It is obviously a personality thing for him as he has no substance abuse - I can only imagine how much more difficult the addiction piece makes things. And you - dealing with that from an adult. My heart goes out to you.

Originally Posted by Recovering2 View Post
One of the best, hardest things I learned in a family recovery program was "No is a complete sentence." You have the right to say "No" without needing to justify, rationalize, explain. Your son will have his reaction....and that's okay too. Let him have his reaction. Let him kick, scream, complain, etc. His reaction does not require a response from you. Say "No" consistently and he will finally get the message. Give him the dignity as an adult to figure out his own way....stop rescuing. He has to learn to meet life on life's terms. From what you've described, he may be sober but I don't think he's found true recovery yet. If he works the steps honestly, he will learn to live differently. But as long as no one can say "No" to him, there is no motivation for change.
It's not easy.....but it works.

That is the only thing that works for me too :nod: The money train needs to come to an end. It is a challenge to be sure and sometimes the reactions can get pretty epic so I second whomever said assemble some moral support. You'll need it.
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I would be too after treatment like that. I suggest you stop giving him money and set some boundaries for his treatment of you. Verbal abuse such as you are describing should never be tolerated from anyone. It may mean you need to go no contact with him for awhile. I understand that early recovery is a tough time emotionally as I am also a recovered alcoholic, however, it seems you are being used as a scapegoat and emotional dumping ground. This isn't good for you or him. You are quite right that no amount of money will be enough so stop the supply. Glad you are here and I'm sending you some big hugs-- You sounds like a wonderful, loving, sensitive mother to me.
Wow, Hawkeye13...Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and kindness! I needed a group hug. I'm glad I am here also....
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Clatono, it might be time for you to take the next step in your recovery and detach from your son, and stop rewarding for his behaviour. He is abusing you financially and emotionally, and if you find yourself denying this, go back and read your post. Read it as if it was someone else you are reading about. He is responsible for his mood, his sobriety, his financial management, and how his day goes. Not you. You seem to have taken all his burdens on board, and accept the blame for them, like a victim of abuse will often do. You may need support for saying no to him, because he 'gets ugly', and you feel threatened. The solution is to stop giving him money and ride out his rage, but you may not feel strong enough to do this right now, which is why I suggest support. Where does your husband stand in all this? Can you count on him to see your son off when he gets abusive? Please don't think that behaving the way you do now will bring you closer to him, or help him. You're teaching him that all he has to do is threaten and bully and he'll get what he wants. As for his sobriety, I know this sounds harsh, but it's not really your business. He's married now, he's an adult, and you're reinforcing the idea that he's a child who continually needs your support and help. In some personalities, this just reinforces their own tendency to bully through fear and lack of confidence in themselves. Step back and let him do it for himself. He won't like it but if you want him to grow up, it's the only way.
I took your suggestion, FeelingGreat, and read it again as if someone else had posted it. Very eye opening... You mentioned that I may need support getting through this. I have my AlAnon group, however I had slacked off for several months until last night. I also have you guys and am so very grateful!

Thank you so much!
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
Contrary to your thread title, you do a lot right--you are a loving mother, extremely considerate and generous, and I can see through your words to see that you are probably friendly and great in social settings. I identified with your behavior--I have an AH and an alcoholic brother who think of me as a cash cow, and they have every reason to, based on my own willingness to just dole it out upon request. It's hard. My brother says he only has $20 to get him to the end of the month. AH "just" needs $20 a day to feed his addictions and his friends. And I feel like I so badly want to be the third leg on the two-legged stools in my life who have such a hard time standing by themselves. So I get it--but I've also learned this is a PROBLEM I have--it's not a SOLUTION for the person I'm trying so hard to support. Imagery helps me a lot, and when I have a hard time detaching from sullen, mean abusive speech, I think of that spiritual goal of being like a rock in a river. Because I typically am a "go with the flow" person--I literally go with the flow and just absorb all the flotsam and jetsam of the feelings of people around me. So I have to recognize when it's time to just be the rock and be still, be solid, and don't be swayed by externalities. If I can't do that, it's up to me to detach physically, and not answer the phone, and go out and do my thing and leave others to theirs. I know it's all so hard, but YOU did nothing wrong. He owns the problem. Good luck to you..
SoloMio...I can't help but wonder if you are a Pisces? I am and I can generally go with the flow when I need to! I love the idea of being a rock in the river, be still and solid.

Thank you so much!
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:07 PM
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Thanks to everyone for the words of wisdom, encouragement, advice and so much more!! I would like to share with everyone what I did today. Shortly after I shared my dilemma here with everyone, I received a text from him, reminding me that he needed money for his car payment and because he is overdrawn at the bank right now, he wanted to make a deal with me. I would cash a check for him and he would pay me back by Friday. Here is what I replied back:

"Son, as of right now...I am stopping everything financially. My AlAnon meeting last night, along with some advice from others helped me realize that I am inhibiting you from moving forward in life and in your recovery by giving you money. I love you and that's the reason the financial support is ending. There's so much more to you than what you see in yourself. You have a loving and wonderful heart and I cannot wait to see where God is going to take you! "

I was expecting anger, but instead I got this:

"Mom...I'm not upset or angry. I'm excited that you got what you needed from your meeting. I love you, momma"

After reading his reply...something hit me that really works to my advantage, even though I never planned on it doing so. What hit me is that my AlAnon group is extremely small...as well as the AA group he attends. A few that attend are in both groups. Because of the small intimacy of our groups...I think it will motivate my son to not push me now that I've laid the groundwork for this. Please understand that I didn't even think of this fact until he replied back to me so calmly. I'm still expecting that he will wait a few days and try again and I've got to stay strong...like a rock in a river that doesn't move (as someone put it earlier.)

I realize that I probably sugar coated the text I sent him a bit too much, but I'm not very plain spoken. I do need to learn to stop apologizing for everything and also to stop explaining and giving reasons. I like whoever said in an earlier post, "No"...is a complete sentence"! I love that.

I appreciate every single persons support here and the time each of you spent replying to me. I will be checking in regularly and updating everyone.

I welcome any other support or advice!

Blessings,
Clatono
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:09 AM
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clatono--I have a story of my own that you might find amusing....

The very first time I finally came FULLY face to face with my enabling of my adult son....I told him, one day, that I felt that I had an apology to make to him.....that I wanted to apologize for enabling him. That--it was MY BAD and I had been doing it out of ignorance and my mother's desire to help him. That--I knew that I had actually been harming him and that I promised to never do that, again.

OMG...LOL....He immediately jumped to my defense: "No, no, mom! Don't ever say that. You have never enabled me. You are a good mother...and don't ever let anyone say that you are not! Don't put yourself down , so much."

It was really hard for me to keep a straight face while I was still in the room with him.
I also got more hilarious reactions when he began to notice how I was becoming detached from him (from his quacking;requests; etc). Trust me..he did notice the changes in me...LOL.

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Old 07-30-2014, 05:15 AM
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Well done Clatono. Be ready for him not to give up quite so easily, but then neither should you.
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:43 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Well done Clatono. Be ready for him not to give up quite so easily, but then neither should you.

I agree. Just a nice, loving response like his could make me say, "but if you need $20 or anything, let me know".
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:55 AM
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"Son, as of right now...I am stopping everything financially. My AlAnon meeting last night, along with some advice from others helped me realize that I am inhibiting you from moving forward in life and in your recovery by giving you money. I love you and that's the reason the financial support is ending. There's so much more to you than what you see in yourself. You have a loving and wonderful heart and I cannot wait to see where God is going to take you! "
Clatono, you are just so FANTASTIC. I hope you fell better cause I do. Sometimes ya just gotta do it, rootin for ya.

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