Hello friends,
I have a dilemma (sort-of) and I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this sort of thing, so I thought I would come seek the advice/opinions of the wonderful folks here at SR...
Some of you might know that I am in a very happy, healthy relationship with my SO (significant other) who is an RA/A. He has been clean/sober for over 5 years and we have been together for just over 4 years.
This is BY FAR the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. It's built on trust and honesty, and most importantly communication!! We do talk about everything, and we have actually discussed what I'm about to ask you guys, but we haven't talked about it, specifically, in a while and I'm just wondering if it's even worth it for me to bring it up again...
I know I have also mentioned before that he is almost 21 years older than me, I am 37 and he just turned 58. We have both been married before, but neither of us have kids. I actively avoided getting pregnant all through my 20's and early 30's... but then when I was around 33 I really started to hear the maternal clock ticking... and this was right around when my SO and I got together. Turns out he never had kids not for lack of trying (lol!) but because he just naturally has incredibly low sperm count. We have literally been having "unprotected" sex for the past 4 years and there has never even been a "scare". We have talked extensively about what would happen if I were to get pregnant and he has assured me that he would be overjoyed and we would face whatever came our way, together. I believe him, but I honestly don't think anything will ever happen "naturally". So we have even discussed the possibility of trying AI, or in vitro, or even adopting. A few years ago he said he would wholeheartedly support this decision.
But then my life went to heII in a handbasket... my dad became really sick, was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer and passed away 5 weeks later (at Christmas 2012). I had to suddenly take over his business on my own (I'd been working with him for 10 years, so I already knew the business, but running it on my own has been quite difficult), and then the following Christmas my grandmother passed away as well. So now a couple of years have passed since we seriously discussed the possibility of kids (at the time he even went to the fertility clinic with me and we were both tested and they verified that there was pretty much 0% chance that I would get pregnant naturally, this is how much he supported the decision!).
But now, we're both a couple of years older and the topic really hasn't come up recently. But I still kind of feel that maternal pull... although I know on the other hand that the reality of the situation is that he is almost 60... probably waayyy beyond the acceptable standard to be a first time father, so I think it might be rather unfair of me to bring it up again...
So the dilemma is, since every other part of our relationship seems to be pretty perfect, and we are planning on him moving in with me this fall, should I just accept the fact that I will never have children (as I feel I am quickly running out of time) and just close the door on that portion of life? Or should I bring it up again and see what he says?
I certainly don't want to make him feel guilty or that he's "denying" me anything in life by not having children, but obviously to have a child would alter our lives 180 degrees and he would be a part of that. I do kind of feel that it would be unfair of me to ask him to do this at his stage of life. Most of his friends his age are getting used to being "grandpa's" at this stage in their lives...
So I guess my question is, what would you do in my situation? Bring it up again? Or be happy with life as it is (because I AM happy!!)?
P.S Breaking up with him in the "hopes" of finding someone else (my own age) who loves me with their whole heart as much as my SO does, AND then dating them for a few years before thinking about having children is OBVIOUSLY not an option!!!
Thanks for any views/insight on my situation... all thoughts are welcome
TT