OT - Is it too late for me??
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
OT - Is it too late for me??
Hello friends,
I have a dilemma (sort-of) and I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this sort of thing, so I thought I would come seek the advice/opinions of the wonderful folks here at SR...
Some of you might know that I am in a very happy, healthy relationship with my SO (significant other) who is an RA/A. He has been clean/sober for over 5 years and we have been together for just over 4 years.
This is BY FAR the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. It's built on trust and honesty, and most importantly communication!! We do talk about everything, and we have actually discussed what I'm about to ask you guys, but we haven't talked about it, specifically, in a while and I'm just wondering if it's even worth it for me to bring it up again...
I know I have also mentioned before that he is almost 21 years older than me, I am 37 and he just turned 58. We have both been married before, but neither of us have kids. I actively avoided getting pregnant all through my 20's and early 30's... but then when I was around 33 I really started to hear the maternal clock ticking... and this was right around when my SO and I got together. Turns out he never had kids not for lack of trying (lol!) but because he just naturally has incredibly low sperm count. We have literally been having "unprotected" sex for the past 4 years and there has never even been a "scare". We have talked extensively about what would happen if I were to get pregnant and he has assured me that he would be overjoyed and we would face whatever came our way, together. I believe him, but I honestly don't think anything will ever happen "naturally". So we have even discussed the possibility of trying AI, or in vitro, or even adopting. A few years ago he said he would wholeheartedly support this decision.
But then my life went to heII in a handbasket... my dad became really sick, was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer and passed away 5 weeks later (at Christmas 2012). I had to suddenly take over his business on my own (I'd been working with him for 10 years, so I already knew the business, but running it on my own has been quite difficult), and then the following Christmas my grandmother passed away as well. So now a couple of years have passed since we seriously discussed the possibility of kids (at the time he even went to the fertility clinic with me and we were both tested and they verified that there was pretty much 0% chance that I would get pregnant naturally, this is how much he supported the decision!).
But now, we're both a couple of years older and the topic really hasn't come up recently. But I still kind of feel that maternal pull... although I know on the other hand that the reality of the situation is that he is almost 60... probably waayyy beyond the acceptable standard to be a first time father, so I think it might be rather unfair of me to bring it up again...
So the dilemma is, since every other part of our relationship seems to be pretty perfect, and we are planning on him moving in with me this fall, should I just accept the fact that I will never have children (as I feel I am quickly running out of time) and just close the door on that portion of life? Or should I bring it up again and see what he says?
I certainly don't want to make him feel guilty or that he's "denying" me anything in life by not having children, but obviously to have a child would alter our lives 180 degrees and he would be a part of that. I do kind of feel that it would be unfair of me to ask him to do this at his stage of life. Most of his friends his age are getting used to being "grandpa's" at this stage in their lives...
So I guess my question is, what would you do in my situation? Bring it up again? Or be happy with life as it is (because I AM happy!!)?
P.S Breaking up with him in the "hopes" of finding someone else (my own age) who loves me with their whole heart as much as my SO does, AND then dating them for a few years before thinking about having children is OBVIOUSLY not an option!!!
Thanks for any views/insight on my situation... all thoughts are welcome
TT
I have a dilemma (sort-of) and I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this sort of thing, so I thought I would come seek the advice/opinions of the wonderful folks here at SR...
Some of you might know that I am in a very happy, healthy relationship with my SO (significant other) who is an RA/A. He has been clean/sober for over 5 years and we have been together for just over 4 years.
This is BY FAR the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. It's built on trust and honesty, and most importantly communication!! We do talk about everything, and we have actually discussed what I'm about to ask you guys, but we haven't talked about it, specifically, in a while and I'm just wondering if it's even worth it for me to bring it up again...
I know I have also mentioned before that he is almost 21 years older than me, I am 37 and he just turned 58. We have both been married before, but neither of us have kids. I actively avoided getting pregnant all through my 20's and early 30's... but then when I was around 33 I really started to hear the maternal clock ticking... and this was right around when my SO and I got together. Turns out he never had kids not for lack of trying (lol!) but because he just naturally has incredibly low sperm count. We have literally been having "unprotected" sex for the past 4 years and there has never even been a "scare". We have talked extensively about what would happen if I were to get pregnant and he has assured me that he would be overjoyed and we would face whatever came our way, together. I believe him, but I honestly don't think anything will ever happen "naturally". So we have even discussed the possibility of trying AI, or in vitro, or even adopting. A few years ago he said he would wholeheartedly support this decision.
But then my life went to heII in a handbasket... my dad became really sick, was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer and passed away 5 weeks later (at Christmas 2012). I had to suddenly take over his business on my own (I'd been working with him for 10 years, so I already knew the business, but running it on my own has been quite difficult), and then the following Christmas my grandmother passed away as well. So now a couple of years have passed since we seriously discussed the possibility of kids (at the time he even went to the fertility clinic with me and we were both tested and they verified that there was pretty much 0% chance that I would get pregnant naturally, this is how much he supported the decision!).
But now, we're both a couple of years older and the topic really hasn't come up recently. But I still kind of feel that maternal pull... although I know on the other hand that the reality of the situation is that he is almost 60... probably waayyy beyond the acceptable standard to be a first time father, so I think it might be rather unfair of me to bring it up again...
So the dilemma is, since every other part of our relationship seems to be pretty perfect, and we are planning on him moving in with me this fall, should I just accept the fact that I will never have children (as I feel I am quickly running out of time) and just close the door on that portion of life? Or should I bring it up again and see what he says?
I certainly don't want to make him feel guilty or that he's "denying" me anything in life by not having children, but obviously to have a child would alter our lives 180 degrees and he would be a part of that. I do kind of feel that it would be unfair of me to ask him to do this at his stage of life. Most of his friends his age are getting used to being "grandpa's" at this stage in their lives...
So I guess my question is, what would you do in my situation? Bring it up again? Or be happy with life as it is (because I AM happy!!)?
P.S Breaking up with him in the "hopes" of finding someone else (my own age) who loves me with their whole heart as much as my SO does, AND then dating them for a few years before thinking about having children is OBVIOUSLY not an option!!!
Thanks for any views/insight on my situation... all thoughts are welcome
TT
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think you should bring it up with him and let him decide what is or is not right for him rather than assume this wouldn't be good for him because of his age.
he wouldn't be the first 60 year old to be a dad.
If he wants to have a baby have one!!! If he does not then your questions concerning your choices will be more pertinent.
he wouldn't be the first 60 year old to be a dad.
If he wants to have a baby have one!!! If he does not then your questions concerning your choices will be more pertinent.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
It's so great that you have a healthy relationship with honest communication. I have no doubt you will figure this out together.
I just wanted to put a word in for all the wonderful kids in foster care, who need sane, healthy role models in their lives. If you decide not to have kids of your own, there are a lot of ways to connect with children who need support. Good luck!
I just wanted to put a word in for all the wonderful kids in foster care, who need sane, healthy role models in their lives. If you decide not to have kids of your own, there are a lot of ways to connect with children who need support. Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
You guys are right.... I guess if it's bothering me this much I will have to talk to him about it...
The weird thing is, it's more the uncertainness of it that is bothering me... I think once we both decide if the answer is "Yes" or "No", then I will have some peace/closure on the subject.
And Fairlyuncertain... I actually do volunteer with an organization where I work every week with over 100 youth between the ages of 12 - 18.... so I definitely connect with many, many children who need support! But I don't think I could ever foster kids, or even pets for that matter... I would get waaayyy too attached and it would be so difficult to give them up!
Ok, so we'll talk about it and put the issue to rest.
Thanks!
The weird thing is, it's more the uncertainness of it that is bothering me... I think once we both decide if the answer is "Yes" or "No", then I will have some peace/closure on the subject.
And Fairlyuncertain... I actually do volunteer with an organization where I work every week with over 100 youth between the ages of 12 - 18.... so I definitely connect with many, many children who need support! But I don't think I could ever foster kids, or even pets for that matter... I would get waaayyy too attached and it would be so difficult to give them up!
Ok, so we'll talk about it and put the issue to rest.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm with Red.
My mom was 38 when I was born. Her mom was 38 when she was born (in the 1940s!). My sister just had her fourth kid at 38.
It is NOT AT ALL uncommon to have later pregnancies today. I say talk to him and go for it.
My mom was 38 when I was born. Her mom was 38 when she was born (in the 1940s!). My sister just had her fourth kid at 38.
It is NOT AT ALL uncommon to have later pregnancies today. I say talk to him and go for it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I agree you need to talk about this.
I will, however, offer up this thought as well -- because I recently had this discussion with a friend who, at age 40, was considering adopting.
Having kids is very hard work.
Yes, I know it's obvious, that everyone knows having kids is hard work. But it's hard work on a level that you don't expect until you have kids. It's incredibly rewarding and amazing and makes you love in a completely new way and it's the most amazingly wonderful choice I ever made in my life.
But it also completely exhausting, 24/7 work that changes your life in ways you can't predict or imagine ahead of time. And if you've lived to the ripe age of 38 or 40 and gotten used to being able to do things your way -- the changes that come with a child, though mostly positive, are something you might not be prepared for.
I hear new parents say "I can't wait until Joey becomes a little older, this age is so hard." And I smile and don't tell them "You think it's hard NOW? Wait till they're 10... or 15... or 18... " because the truth is -- once you have a child, your life is forever changed. Your child becomes the primary and most important thing in your life -- ahead of your job, ahead of your spouse, ahead of everything.
Having a child is not like "adding something" to your life. It's turning your life and your priorities and your habits completely and utterly upside down.
Are you both ready for that?
Another thing that I would consider in your situation is that the idea of having children is very different from the reality. One of my kids has a chronic disease that has made me spend my parenting time about 3/4 on her and 1/4 on the other kids. Having "normal" children changes your life. Having children with illnesses and disabilities takes over your life completely. And it's a possibility that you have to take into account.
I know I sound really negative to having kids, and I'm really not. I'm not trying to discourage you from having children, or adopting a child, if your heart says that's what you both want. But I know that I completely underestimated how radically having children would change my life, and I know that I could not have handled a change that radical now (in my 50s) -- let alone ten years from now.
I will, however, offer up this thought as well -- because I recently had this discussion with a friend who, at age 40, was considering adopting.
Having kids is very hard work.
Yes, I know it's obvious, that everyone knows having kids is hard work. But it's hard work on a level that you don't expect until you have kids. It's incredibly rewarding and amazing and makes you love in a completely new way and it's the most amazingly wonderful choice I ever made in my life.
But it also completely exhausting, 24/7 work that changes your life in ways you can't predict or imagine ahead of time. And if you've lived to the ripe age of 38 or 40 and gotten used to being able to do things your way -- the changes that come with a child, though mostly positive, are something you might not be prepared for.
I hear new parents say "I can't wait until Joey becomes a little older, this age is so hard." And I smile and don't tell them "You think it's hard NOW? Wait till they're 10... or 15... or 18... " because the truth is -- once you have a child, your life is forever changed. Your child becomes the primary and most important thing in your life -- ahead of your job, ahead of your spouse, ahead of everything.
Having a child is not like "adding something" to your life. It's turning your life and your priorities and your habits completely and utterly upside down.
Are you both ready for that?
Another thing that I would consider in your situation is that the idea of having children is very different from the reality. One of my kids has a chronic disease that has made me spend my parenting time about 3/4 on her and 1/4 on the other kids. Having "normal" children changes your life. Having children with illnesses and disabilities takes over your life completely. And it's a possibility that you have to take into account.
I know I sound really negative to having kids, and I'm really not. I'm not trying to discourage you from having children, or adopting a child, if your heart says that's what you both want. But I know that I completely underestimated how radically having children would change my life, and I know that I could not have handled a change that radical now (in my 50s) -- let alone ten years from now.
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