Originally Posted by haennie

Hi Mabel,

You may be tired of hearing this, but even your thread title suggests that you seem to have a resistance to change, probably even change of thinking and mental perspective. As far as I have seen and experienced, this is the number one reason that often keeps us from making meaningful improvements in our lives. "I am so used to doing this" - it's exactly why it happens, because we feel more comfortable doing what's familiar than what's unfamiliar. While we put the external world up to high expectations and wait for it to bring us the so desired happiness. The reality is, whether we like it or not: this is utterly impossible or the rewarding effect won't last long.

You have discussed a few things: that years of sobriety did not make a difference in your life, that you have no friends and find it difficult to have others' attention and care, and that you are against having a mental health professional to help you. The common pattern I see in all these things is the resistance to working on your root problems.

You can read it all over this board that virtually no one has succeeded at turning over their lives in sobriety just by the virtue of abstinence from our drug(s) of choice. People often discuss that it takes changing just about everything in our lives, or for sure making multiple, major long-term changes. From your comments is sounds that you have not done much of this.

When it comes to human connection, friendship and relationships - these also require a great deal of work, and not just in the beginning, constantly. I believe that "unconditional love" is something we may get from pets, or the love parents feel for their children may be like that, and it may be associated with saints - but it's not how most human relationships work. Everyone is "special" and unique by definition, that's not what attracts attention. It's how we use our attributes and potentials and how we are willing to actively work on the connection. I think people are usually willing to forgive a lot of mistreatment and betrayal even if otherwise the relationship and our hearts are in the right place and this is demonstrated in our actions. We don't get rewarded for perfection, but for effort.

Finally, psychotherapy is no different. A therapist's attention is indeed a service, but I think it's also like other relationships in that even professionals will be more excited and motivated to work with us if we display genuine interest and engagement. They are humans, not machines. And their listening and providing feedback is far from enough - in the end, we have to make the work and make the changes that we want to see, by active participation also outside of the office, we need to put the gained knowledge in good use. Seeking help is only the beginning, but it's a good start.

So in summary, I see this resistance in your comments regarding a variety of areas and feel that you should probably work on breaking that. There are options to do it, but we need to seek these out and then actively participate in the resolution. Our self-esteem can also only grow in healthy ways by demonstrating to ourselves that we are involved in our own lives and making it happen.