Hi Everyone,
Hope everyone is doing well.
I think I might need some help from the forum...
I have been feeling some anxiety for the past week, after I turned 1 year clean and sober.
The anxiety revolves around a few things :
- Some people in my AA meetings strongly suggesting that I take a cake at one of the meetings to celebrate my 1 year anniversary and share my story. I am afraid of doing that, because I did it 5 years ago and it was a big theatre production with lots of people and my previous legendary sponsor and then I relapsed a couple months later. I don't want my Sobriety to be about cakes and stories. I am told it is about the newcomer, yet I would like my Sobriety to be Quiet and Peaceful and fairly anonymous. Besides, my recovery journey has been quite non-traditional... After 13 detox visits, I finally decided to stay alive so I could run and finish my first Marathon. That was the only reason I had left to stay alive and I was willing to stay Sober long enough for that. And now I have run 5 marathons and 1 Ultra and I am writing a lot and I am really *loving* my Life. During the process I reconnected with AA because I wanted to stay Sober and I found it useful along the way, yet I feel guilty a lot because I am not following the conventional program like a lot of people. I feel at times that I don't belong because I am taking a different approach - i.e, self-sponsored, yet Spiritual and committed to Sobriety.
Any suggestions/experiences/encouragement to share ?
- I am feeling inclined to do the 12 steps once again so I could heal some things and move forward, however, I am told that I need to get a sponsor and I am really reluctant to do that for trust/authority reasons based on prior experiences. I have been journaling everyday and the process has been tremendous in my growth and I have processed so much through it and it has been truly transformative.
Has anyone done the steps without a sponsor or has anyone gone through other recovery methods to get through emotional pain and letting go ? Or has anyone stayed sober for a significant period of time without doing the steps ?
- Ultimately, Can't I just stay Sober and Be Happy for today? All this work seems pointless sometimes, although I *love* writing about my thoughts and feelings. I guess in way that is step work....
I would appreciate any experiences or suggestions.
Thank You !