ambivalence
I'm not sure how I feel. What does that mean?
The xah states he is coming in 2 weeks to visit. He has supervised visits. Has just appeared after a year and a half disappearance. He hasn't apologized or explained himself. The elephant is in the room. He calls maybe one a week to every two weeks. This confuses me. I could never relate to him abandoning his child, but now that he is back why isn't he trying harder? He is acting nice towards me. Probably because he wants something.
Thankfully he has supervised visits that are limited to 2 hours a week. Sadly, my son is getting older to notice this. My son wants to talk to him about his addiction, but I told him to refrain from asking BC I don't want him lied to. My son is making us talk to each other on the phone. And we are. He wants us to be friends. I do too, but I do not trust this man. This man is acting like nothing in the past has ever happened. It is easy to forget and buy into it. That is what scares me. I have to keep telling myself things are not OK. My x has got to be the best charmer and manipulator. He is such a "nice" guy....oh wait...he cheated, lied, snorted and abandoned all responsibilities. Um, yea...a total catch.
So my son wants to see his father. And as long it is supervised I am fine. I keep trying to tell myself not to over think it and just let it happen under my boundaries. He can take it or leave it. Then I have the fear he is coming back to to be with and stay with his drug buddies for the weekend. He could binge and once again fall through. Just like always. I mean it seems to be 3 months since he has been around his fun friends.
I want to do what is right. I want him to come to my home so I can supervise, or go to a restaurant so I can hear everything that is being said. He has already gone behind my back saying things to my son that he shouldn't of said. Then, I have to worry about his anger showing over my "controlling" behavior. So, then I wonder if I should spell out my boundaries now so he has 2 weeks to settle. But then it really doesn't matter because he will just ignore it, and when the time comes try to get his way. He also has a suspended license, and his drug pals are legally not allowed near my son. So, how is he going to get here? I know... That's his prob!
I will love to tell him to go away, but I think it means a lot to my son to see him. My son kind of freaked out emotionally on Saturday. He ended up crying that he missed him, so we called his dad. That seemed to help. But he verbalized that he wants daddy to live with us and is worried about his father being on drugs. He asked his dad, are you OK?
I'm just so confused. I'm really trying not to worry so much and just go with the flow yet make choices that protect my son. But I sometimes feel like it is all out of my control and I am failing. It makes me very upset that the xah has no clue of the emotional upset he has created, and here I am again sweeping up the mess ALL BYMYSELF. It is overwhelming.