ambivalence

Old 07-14-2014, 06:49 AM
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ambivalence

I'm not sure how I feel. What does that mean?

The xah states he is coming in 2 weeks to visit. He has supervised visits. Has just appeared after a year and a half disappearance. He hasn't apologized or explained himself. The elephant is in the room. He calls maybe one a week to every two weeks. This confuses me. I could never relate to him abandoning his child, but now that he is back why isn't he trying harder? He is acting nice towards me. Probably because he wants something.

Thankfully he has supervised visits that are limited to 2 hours a week. Sadly, my son is getting older to notice this. My son wants to talk to him about his addiction, but I told him to refrain from asking BC I don't want him lied to. My son is making us talk to each other on the phone. And we are. He wants us to be friends. I do too, but I do not trust this man. This man is acting like nothing in the past has ever happened. It is easy to forget and buy into it. That is what scares me. I have to keep telling myself things are not OK. My x has got to be the best charmer and manipulator. He is such a "nice" guy....oh wait...he cheated, lied, snorted and abandoned all responsibilities. Um, yea...a total catch.

So my son wants to see his father. And as long it is supervised I am fine. I keep trying to tell myself not to over think it and just let it happen under my boundaries. He can take it or leave it. Then I have the fear he is coming back to to be with and stay with his drug buddies for the weekend. He could binge and once again fall through. Just like always. I mean it seems to be 3 months since he has been around his fun friends.

I want to do what is right. I want him to come to my home so I can supervise, or go to a restaurant so I can hear everything that is being said. He has already gone behind my back saying things to my son that he shouldn't of said. Then, I have to worry about his anger showing over my "controlling" behavior. So, then I wonder if I should spell out my boundaries now so he has 2 weeks to settle. But then it really doesn't matter because he will just ignore it, and when the time comes try to get his way. He also has a suspended license, and his drug pals are legally not allowed near my son. So, how is he going to get here? I know... That's his prob!

I will love to tell him to go away, but I think it means a lot to my son to see him. My son kind of freaked out emotionally on Saturday. He ended up crying that he missed him, so we called his dad. That seemed to help. But he verbalized that he wants daddy to live with us and is worried about his father being on drugs. He asked his dad, are you OK?

I'm just so confused. I'm really trying not to worry so much and just go with the flow yet make choices that protect my son. But I sometimes feel like it is all out of my control and I am failing. It makes me very upset that the xah has no clue of the emotional upset he has created, and here I am again sweeping up the mess ALL BYMYSELF. It is overwhelming.
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:27 AM
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I'm just so confused. I'm really trying not to worry so much and just go with the flow yet make choices that protect my son. But I sometimes feel like it is all out of my control and I am failing. It makes me very upset that the xah has no clue of the emotional upset he has created, and here I am again sweeping up the mess ALL BYMYSELF. It is overwhelming.
Well, if you think about it, your AXH's behavior and actions aren't in your control. He's going to do whatever it is he does. So the only thing you can do is what you're doing, which is protecting your son.

I would gently encourage you to not dwell on the fact that your AXH's appears ambivalent about the consequences of his actions. The truth is so long as he's using, he doesn't care about what he's left in his wake. Why ruminate over something you can't control? All that does is create a feedback loop which makes you feel worse than you need to feel.
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:33 AM
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I think he owes an explanation to you and your son where he was for a year an a half. While you cannot control him, if you are going to be doing the supervising, you deserve to know what's going on in his life. I would never let it go unsupervised unless you are court ordered to do so. Forgive me if I just missed it, but how old is your son?

My DD's are 8 and 14. While I have never said bad things about their father, he showed his cards himself to them. They deserved to know the truth about addiction and what they are dealing with. I told them what they needed to know in a very age appropriate way w/out bashing dear ol dad. I also sent them both to counseling which helped them very much.

Good Luck and God Bless to you and your son!
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Old 07-14-2014, 11:09 AM
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Ann
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Because of his friends, lack of license and talking to your child about things he has been asked to stay silent about...if I were you, I would arrange to meet him at a public place, like a restaurant, where you have people around to help you if things go south and where he can visit with his son under your supervision and rules.

If he fails to show up, I would not allow future visits even if it means getting a court order.

My own (addicted) son was not allowed to see his son after he disappointed the boy too many times by not showing up and it took an emotional toll on the child. I admire the child's mother for doing that and putting the best interest of the child first.

Good luck with whatever you choose. Just remember that you are the responsible parent here and whatever you decide is okay is how it will be...whether he likes it or not.

Hugs
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