A good friend told me something that stuck. An addict's use is really a failed attempt at spirituality (not religion). I believe for me this is the case. Medicine and science can work wonders. However in my case I am finding what I was seeking for so many years. I am not share as a blueprint for you or others but simply stating what my experience has been and what has helped me.
I am not sure where my journey will take me but I am certain where my path would have taken me had I stayed on that crazy train.
The word never to me is definitive and absolute. It wreaks of being closed vs open. I find so much of recovery is being open, staying open. Had I heard the words I write today when I first entered this process ten plus months ago I would have stated disregarded me as crazy, lol. We all have the capacity to change but its hard.
You have been through so much pain and perhaps have more to endure. But growth comes from adversity and moving through the pain. I believe you are going to move through all this as such a stronger woman and perhaps find meaning in all this.