The word Never
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
The word Never
I was pretty sure a few months ago that I had this recovery thing working. When I look back on life at that time, I realize that there were a few thoughts and life situations that made it almost too easy for me to jump off the cliff.
1) I became inactive and irritated with my recovery resource. I was tired of reading the same things over and over and tired of participating. I would get on here randomly but for the most part, I allowed myself a huge break. Its not that I wanted to drink. I was not thinking in these terms. Its that I became complacent long before my sisters diagnosis, long before anything took place. I did lose that part of myself that had empathy and I was trying to cope with the hammer that smashed into my world.
2) I did not listen to others. It was suggested that I seek more outside help and suggested that I acquire more tools for recovery. I cannot just lean on this forum. It seemed like a major life issue after life issue was taking place and I was battling emotionally and mentally on a continual basis. I was not coping well and I was not listening. Its not that I didn't want to listen to others. I think its that I did not know how, honestly. I could not let another guide me. Truthfully, I just got in the way.
3) The word "Never" which has been used by me more than once. This word is absolutely the worst word in my vocabulary. Never should be banned from the planet. Even though I learned a very hard lesson on March 08, 2013 and was at the lowest point in my life, this did not stop me from spiraling out of control. At least I can say that my "Out of Control" was not as bad as previous times, and my husband helped me to get back to what I am supposed to be doing. I am not making excuses. I am thankful the "Out of Control" was stopped quickly. There really is not any damage control going on here. Whew!
4) There are some life situations that scare the hell of me. I panicked. I shut down. I was going through one dramatic episode after another. Terminal illness is something that I have never experienced and it has rocked me to the core. I have never felt this anger/ sadness that makes me think I am going to explode at any moment. I am surrounded by this disease on a continual basis with work and with my family. I realize that I have major issues with death and with disease. Major issues with coping. Major issues with my family. You name it, I got it. Thankfully, my therapist can help me with this.
One good decision that I have made is I took myself off all medications for my back and mood. When the initial diagnosis happened I sought help from the doctor for anxiety and sleep. I have been off of all meds for over a month. The anxiety med went away soon after I started taking it. So a few months with that one. I actually feel better. My back does not hurt as much due to the herbs I am taking. Somehow in the darkness, I was able to make decisions that would benefit me in the long run. Losing myself was very detrimental. This is the thing I hurt most from. The complete loss of direction. So.........Here is my morning update.
Thanks for reading.
1) I became inactive and irritated with my recovery resource. I was tired of reading the same things over and over and tired of participating. I would get on here randomly but for the most part, I allowed myself a huge break. Its not that I wanted to drink. I was not thinking in these terms. Its that I became complacent long before my sisters diagnosis, long before anything took place. I did lose that part of myself that had empathy and I was trying to cope with the hammer that smashed into my world.
2) I did not listen to others. It was suggested that I seek more outside help and suggested that I acquire more tools for recovery. I cannot just lean on this forum. It seemed like a major life issue after life issue was taking place and I was battling emotionally and mentally on a continual basis. I was not coping well and I was not listening. Its not that I didn't want to listen to others. I think its that I did not know how, honestly. I could not let another guide me. Truthfully, I just got in the way.
3) The word "Never" which has been used by me more than once. This word is absolutely the worst word in my vocabulary. Never should be banned from the planet. Even though I learned a very hard lesson on March 08, 2013 and was at the lowest point in my life, this did not stop me from spiraling out of control. At least I can say that my "Out of Control" was not as bad as previous times, and my husband helped me to get back to what I am supposed to be doing. I am not making excuses. I am thankful the "Out of Control" was stopped quickly. There really is not any damage control going on here. Whew!
4) There are some life situations that scare the hell of me. I panicked. I shut down. I was going through one dramatic episode after another. Terminal illness is something that I have never experienced and it has rocked me to the core. I have never felt this anger/ sadness that makes me think I am going to explode at any moment. I am surrounded by this disease on a continual basis with work and with my family. I realize that I have major issues with death and with disease. Major issues with coping. Major issues with my family. You name it, I got it. Thankfully, my therapist can help me with this.
One good decision that I have made is I took myself off all medications for my back and mood. When the initial diagnosis happened I sought help from the doctor for anxiety and sleep. I have been off of all meds for over a month. The anxiety med went away soon after I started taking it. So a few months with that one. I actually feel better. My back does not hurt as much due to the herbs I am taking. Somehow in the darkness, I was able to make decisions that would benefit me in the long run. Losing myself was very detrimental. This is the thing I hurt most from. The complete loss of direction. So.........Here is my morning update.
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Mizzuno...I saw some of your recent posts, and firstly, I am sorry for what your sister is going through.
I understand it must be hard, and I know you thank she wouldn't mind you drinking and she's drugged up anyway. I think that what you said elsewhere?
I'm of course not privy to your bond with your sister, so maybe it feels right to have a few drinks because it's all painful etc. I don't want to comment on that - you know if it feels right or wrong deep down to be drinking now.
Would it be an option to be sober through all this?
I understand it must be hard, and I know you thank she wouldn't mind you drinking and she's drugged up anyway. I think that what you said elsewhere?
I'm of course not privy to your bond with your sister, so maybe it feels right to have a few drinks because it's all painful etc. I don't want to comment on that - you know if it feels right or wrong deep down to be drinking now.
Would it be an option to be sober through all this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Croissant 
Hi Mizzuno...I saw some of your recent posts, and firstly, I am sorry for what your sister is going through.
I understand it must be hard, and I know you thank she wouldn't mind you drinking and she's drugged up anyway. I think that what you said elsewhere?
I'm of course not privy to your bond with your sister, so maybe it feels right to have a few drinks because it's all painful etc. I don't want to comment on that - you know if it feels right or wrong deep down to be drinking now.
Would it be an option to be sober through all this?
I understand it must be hard, and I know you thank she wouldn't mind you drinking and she's drugged up anyway. I think that what you said elsewhere?
I'm of course not privy to your bond with your sister, so maybe it feels right to have a few drinks because it's all painful etc. I don't want to comment on that - you know if it feels right or wrong deep down to be drinking now.
Would it be an option to be sober through all this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
A good friend told me something that stuck. An addict's use is really a failed attempt at spirituality (not religion). I believe for me this is the case. Medicine and science can work wonders. However in my case I am finding what I was seeking for so many years. I am not share as a blueprint for you or others but simply stating what my experience has been and what has helped me.
I am not sure where my journey will take me but I am certain where my path would have taken me had I stayed on that crazy train.
The word never to me is definitive and absolute. It wreaks of being closed vs open. I find so much of recovery is being open, staying open. Had I heard the words I write today when I first entered this process ten plus months ago I would have stated disregarded me as crazy, lol. We all have the capacity to change but its hard.
You have been through so much pain and perhaps have more to endure. But growth comes from adversity and moving through the pain. I believe you are going to move through all this as such a stronger woman and perhaps find meaning in all this.
I am not sure where my journey will take me but I am certain where my path would have taken me had I stayed on that crazy train.
The word never to me is definitive and absolute. It wreaks of being closed vs open. I find so much of recovery is being open, staying open. Had I heard the words I write today when I first entered this process ten plus months ago I would have stated disregarded me as crazy, lol. We all have the capacity to change but its hard.
You have been through so much pain and perhaps have more to endure. But growth comes from adversity and moving through the pain. I believe you are going to move through all this as such a stronger woman and perhaps find meaning in all this.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Mizz, you sound much better today. I'm glad. Keep on keepin on.
If you don't mind, would you tell me the source of your back pain and the herbs you're taking for it? My mother suffers chronic pain from injury and if it might help her she'll try it.
If you don't mind, would you tell me the source of your back pain and the herbs you're taking for it? My mother suffers chronic pain from injury and if it might help her she'll try it.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
Yes, I did say that didnt I? With more clarity today, I dont think this way. For one, the only way that I will actually make it through in general is by feeling and walking through this storm with my head as clear as possible. Alcohol has only made things less than optimal upstairs. Another thing, is that I need to be as present as possible to make decisions that can only be made in and with sobriety. So, if I can strike that statement from the record I would like to do that. Lets just say that yesterday was a terrible day. Today is better. Tomorrow will be a lot better. So on and so forth.
And that was going to be my gentle suggestion. Having lost my stepmother earlier this year to cancer, I am so glad I was sober so I could help, have the conversations I needed to have with her nursing staff and do all I could to know I was 100% present. She deserved it. We were very close in age, and she was very much like a sister to me.
I'm glad you have made that choice too, of course you know it's the right one. You have lots of support here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Croissant
Wonderful...I did read after I posted that you'd stopped drinking.
And that was going to be my gentle suggestion. Having lost my stepmother earlier this year to cancer, I am so glad I was sober so I could help, have the conversations I needed to have with her nursing staff and do all I could to know I was 100% present. She deserved it. We were very close in age, and she was very much like a sister to me.
I'm glad you have made that choice too, of course you know it's the right one. You have lots of support here.
And that was going to be my gentle suggestion. Having lost my stepmother earlier this year to cancer, I am so glad I was sober so I could help, have the conversations I needed to have with her nursing staff and do all I could to know I was 100% present. She deserved it. We were very close in age, and she was very much like a sister to me.
I'm glad you have made that choice too, of course you know it's the right one. You have lots of support here.
I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the pain that Cancer causes. I know that many people have gotten through this and so I will too. You got through it. The good and amazing thing is that she is still here and she is still doing the best that she can. She has a lot of strength. A lot of fight. Her determination is admirable. She just wants to feel good. I want the same for her.
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