The word Never - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-08-2014, 09:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
In a Place Called Earth
 
Mizzuno's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Blog Entries: 11

The word Never


I was pretty sure a few months ago that I had this recovery thing working. When I look back on life at that time, I realize that there were a few thoughts and life situations that made it almost too easy for me to jump off the cliff.

1) I became inactive and irritated with my recovery resource. I was tired of reading the same things over and over and tired of participating. I would get on here randomly but for the most part, I allowed myself a huge break. Its not that I wanted to drink. I was not thinking in these terms. Its that I became complacent long before my sisters diagnosis, long before anything took place. I did lose that part of myself that had empathy and I was trying to cope with the hammer that smashed into my world.

2) I did not listen to others. It was suggested that I seek more outside help and suggested that I acquire more tools for recovery. I cannot just lean on this forum. It seemed like a major life issue after life issue was taking place and I was battling emotionally and mentally on a continual basis. I was not coping well and I was not listening. Its not that I didn't want to listen to others. I think its that I did not know how, honestly. I could not let another guide me. Truthfully, I just got in the way.

3) The word "Never" which has been used by me more than once. This word is absolutely the worst word in my vocabulary. Never should be banned from the planet. Even though I learned a very hard lesson on March 08, 2013 and was at the lowest point in my life, this did not stop me from spiraling out of control. At least I can say that my "Out of Control" was not as bad as previous times, and my husband helped me to get back to what I am supposed to be doing. I am not making excuses. I am thankful the "Out of Control" was stopped quickly. There really is not any damage control going on here. Whew!

4) There are some life situations that scare the hell of me. I panicked. I shut down. I was going through one dramatic episode after another. Terminal illness is something that I have never experienced and it has rocked me to the core. I have never felt this anger/ sadness that makes me think I am going to explode at any moment. I am surrounded by this disease on a continual basis with work and with my family. I realize that I have major issues with death and with disease. Major issues with coping. Major issues with my family. You name it, I got it. Thankfully, my therapist can help me with this.


One good decision that I have made is I took myself off all medications for my back and mood. When the initial diagnosis happened I sought help from the doctor for anxiety and sleep. I have been off of all meds for over a month. The anxiety med went away soon after I started taking it. So a few months with that one. I actually feel better. My back does not hurt as much due to the herbs I am taking. Somehow in the darkness, I was able to make decisions that would benefit me in the long run. Losing myself was very detrimental. This is the thing I hurt most from. The complete loss of direction. So.........Here is my morning update.


Thanks for reading.
__________________
Your Magnificence Knows No Boundaries
Mizzuno is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Mizzuno For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), ClearLight (07-08-2014), doggonecarl (07-08-2014), DoubleDragons (07-08-2014), EndGameNYC (07-08-2014), HeadLump (07-08-2014), mecanix (07-08-2014), Olive1 (07-08-2014), Ptcapote (08-07-2014), time2change04 (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
 
alphaomega's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,738
Blog Entries: 15
Beautiful post Mizz. I'm so grateful to have you in my tribe.
So much love at you sister.

XO AO
__________________
~ The soul would rather fail at its own life, than succeed at someone else's. ~ David Whyte
alphaomega is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to alphaomega For This Useful Post:
Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
Guest
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,227
Hi Mizzuno...I saw some of your recent posts, and firstly, I am sorry for what your sister is going through.

I understand it must be hard, and I know you thank she wouldn't mind you drinking and she's drugged up anyway. I think that what you said elsewhere?

I'm of course not privy to your bond with your sister, so maybe it feels right to have a few drinks because it's all painful etc. I don't want to comment on that - you know if it feels right or wrong deep down to be drinking now.

Would it be an option to be sober through all this?
Croissant is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Croissant For This Useful Post:
Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 52,414
Mizzuno, it's not always a straight line that we follow, but when you are listening to your soul, as it sounds you have been, you will continue to move in the right direction.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), HeadLump (07-08-2014), Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
Guest
 

Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,583
1) Oh my God I am so glad you're back
2) This post..and how it speaks to me..is exactly why.
Nuudawn is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Nuudawn For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), ClearLight (07-08-2014), Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,858
Great Post!!
PurpleKnight is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to PurpleKnight For This Useful Post:
Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
In a Place Called Earth
 
Mizzuno's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Blog Entries: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Croissant View Post
Hi Mizzuno...I saw some of your recent posts, and firstly, I am sorry for what your sister is going through.

I understand it must be hard, and I know you thank she wouldn't mind you drinking and she's drugged up anyway. I think that what you said elsewhere?

I'm of course not privy to your bond with your sister, so maybe it feels right to have a few drinks because it's all painful etc. I don't want to comment on that - you know if it feels right or wrong deep down to be drinking now.

Would it be an option to be sober through all this?
Yes, I did say that didnt I? With more clarity today, I dont think this way. For one, the only way that I will actually make it through in general is by feeling and walking through this storm with my head as clear as possible. Alcohol has only made things less than optimal upstairs. Another thing, is that I need to be as present as possible to make decisions that can only be made in and with sobriety. So, if I can strike that statement from the record I would like to do that. Lets just say that yesterday was a terrible day. Today is better. Tomorrow will be a lot better. So on and so forth.
__________________
Your Magnificence Knows No Boundaries
Mizzuno is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Mizzuno For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), HeadLump (07-08-2014), jdooner (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 09:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
jdooner's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,360
A good friend told me something that stuck. An addict's use is really a failed attempt at spirituality (not religion). I believe for me this is the case. Medicine and science can work wonders. However in my case I am finding what I was seeking for so many years. I am not share as a blueprint for you or others but simply stating what my experience has been and what has helped me.

I am not sure where my journey will take me but I am certain where my path would have taken me had I stayed on that crazy train.

The word never to me is definitive and absolute. It wreaks of being closed vs open. I find so much of recovery is being open, staying open. Had I heard the words I write today when I first entered this process ten plus months ago I would have stated disregarded me as crazy, lol. We all have the capacity to change but its hard.

You have been through so much pain and perhaps have more to endure. But growth comes from adversity and moving through the pain. I believe you are going to move through all this as such a stronger woman and perhaps find meaning in all this.
__________________
Sobriety Date
8/27/2013

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone

Grateful Dead
jdooner is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to jdooner For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 10:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
Marchia in Aeternum
 
trachemys's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 10,893
Mizz, you sound much better today. I'm glad. Keep on keepin on.

If you don't mind, would you tell me the source of your back pain and the herbs you're taking for it? My mother suffers chronic pain from injury and if it might help her she'll try it.
__________________
Other people have cared about me more than I cared for myself.

I owe them.
trachemys is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trachemys For This Useful Post:
jdooner (07-08-2014), Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 10:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
Guest
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,227
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
Yes, I did say that didnt I? With more clarity today, I dont think this way. For one, the only way that I will actually make it through in general is by feeling and walking through this storm with my head as clear as possible. Alcohol has only made things less than optimal upstairs. Another thing, is that I need to be as present as possible to make decisions that can only be made in and with sobriety. So, if I can strike that statement from the record I would like to do that. Lets just say that yesterday was a terrible day. Today is better. Tomorrow will be a lot better. So on and so forth.
Wonderful...I did read after I posted that you'd stopped drinking.

And that was going to be my gentle suggestion. Having lost my stepmother earlier this year to cancer, I am so glad I was sober so I could help, have the conversations I needed to have with her nursing staff and do all I could to know I was 100% present. She deserved it. We were very close in age, and she was very much like a sister to me.

I'm glad you have made that choice too, of course you know it's the right one. You have lots of support here.
Croissant is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Croissant For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), HeadLump (07-08-2014), jdooner (07-08-2014), Mizzuno (07-08-2014)
Old 07-08-2014, 11:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
In a Place Called Earth
 
Mizzuno's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Blog Entries: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Croissant View Post
Wonderful...I did read after I posted that you'd stopped drinking.

And that was going to be my gentle suggestion. Having lost my stepmother earlier this year to cancer, I am so glad I was sober so I could help, have the conversations I needed to have with her nursing staff and do all I could to know I was 100% present. She deserved it. We were very close in age, and she was very much like a sister to me.

I'm glad you have made that choice too, of course you know it's the right one. You have lots of support here.
No matter the circumstances I had to stop. My sweet sister. I can sit with this pain and I can feel what I have too. The stress, the sadness, the happiness, the drama, the tears, the memories. I am not willing to let myself go into a bad bad place. I resumed my running program last week and so this is one thing that will keep me motivated and determined. You cant run when you feel like ****.

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the pain that Cancer causes. I know that many people have gotten through this and so I will too. You got through it. The good and amazing thing is that she is still here and she is still doing the best that she can. She has a lot of strength. A lot of fight. Her determination is admirable. She just wants to feel good. I want the same for her.
__________________
Your Magnificence Knows No Boundaries
Mizzuno is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Mizzuno For This Useful Post:
alphaomega (07-08-2014), Croissant (07-08-2014), jdooner (07-08-2014), mecanix (07-08-2014)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:35 AM.