You, me and many other folks make risky choices and decisions everyday towards happiness or contentment, simple peace of mind or just something slightly better than a horrid rut. It sounds like you're stuck, and only you can move yourself. You say you're trying to change, yet you also say, "I'm turning into an *******, and it seems like I really don't mind it." These two attitudes simply cannot peacefully co-exist; their simultaneous presence is utterly unsustainable. I imagine that this unholy alliance is in part responsible for your palpable hatred of other people and, perhaps more important, is the impetus for your self-loathing.
We make our choices. Despite your difficult history, you have as much ability and as many opportunities to improve your lot as does anyone else. It seems, for the moment, you choose not to. None of us can help a person who is not interested in helping himself. Such people are not interested. This may be very sad, but it is also so very true.