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I've been sober for months but I'm turning into the biggest A-Hole



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I've been sober for months but I'm turning into the biggest A-Hole

Old 07-04-2014, 06:06 PM
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I've been sober for months but I'm turning into the biggest A-Hole

Hello all,

I was a serious drinker for about 11 years, 29 now I have been sober for about a year and am more irritable then ever. I have such a short attention span for people and there jokes, stories and hobbies that don't interest me. I find myself distancing myself from others and it seems to be a band aid on a situation that seems to be growing into a serious problem.

I was involved in a major car accident 6 years ago and it left me with physical scars that are very noticeable to everyday people. I was drinking when it happened.

I stopped drinking after that for about a year and lost a finger as a result of a careless Co worker. I was sober then. Shortly there after I began drinking again. And then for about 4 years or so there was drunken episodes where I did the usual, black out, embarrass myself and gave myself a few days to re coup and then I was back at it again.

Luckily I found a very special women who helped me turn my life around. She has been by my side through the worst of it and to my surprise she is still here. She has gone with me to therapy numerous times. Yet my therapy only seems to last a few sessions. After the 3rd or 4th session I find myself with nothing else to share with the psychological. I've seen 3 different professionals and it seems like clock work, the 3rd session rolls around and we are just shooting the breeze and I have nothing left to share.

Deep down I wish I could control alcohol like others, ya know, 3 or 4 drinks and call it a night. Unfortunately the way I drink isn't 1, 2, 3, OK one more and that's its. It's usually 1, 2.......14, wait how did I get home?

So now I'm a prisoner basically. I still go to weddings, Jack and Jills, Birthday parties and other events where drinking is the main attraction and I found that club soda is my alternative. When I previously said prisoner I mean, I sit alone and pretty much wait to leave. I can't stand trying to mingle with drunk or buzzed people. My interpretation of this is like going to an amusement park and not going on any of the rides.

I do keep busy though. I'm a full time firefighter and what do the guys do, Bingo, drink all the time. So I come up with every excuse in the book to why I can't hang out. But I do have a real reason why I dont go, my fiance leaving and I play hockey, whenever I can. I've played every sport under the sun and played high school and college sports. And hockey seems like a fit for me. Mainly every other sport you can drink and some what play. Hockey is different, it's very hard to drink and keep your balance on ice skates. So I keep playing hockey to keep myself "sane". Don't get me wrong I enjoy my time with my fiance who supports me, and she doesn't drink either, by choice, she doesn't care for alcohol. I also enjoy spending time with my 2 dogs. But it seems like I'm closing myself off from everyone. I'm turning into an *******, and it seems like I really don't mind it. But I know it bothers my fiance who has been nothing but good to me and I'm trying to change. We don't have many friends that go out with us because it always revolves around drinking. And the last thing I want to do is go hang out at a bar. And it's not like I can't control myself, I've been to tons of bars since I stopped drinking and haven't had a sip of alcohol. Even through all my Co workers trying to get me to just have "one".

So after all that banter, and thanks for hanging in there thus far, I can't stand anybody. My pulse is always rapidly beating waiting for the last sentence to end out of the person talking to me so I can just be alone. I need to figure out a solution. I'm getting married this year and it means a lot to me and I want to be happy along my fiance side. She deserves to be with someone who's not a complete ass on her wedding day. I'm trying really hard but nothing seems to work. The only thing that seemed to work in the past was xanax. I was prescribed it after my car accident and it kept me very level minded and the best part was, I seemed pleasant to be around and I actually could stand being around other people and listening to them without my blood pressure boiling over.

Isn't there anybody out there that has mastered this problem or at least learned how to tame it? Or has found a proper road to go down to try to resolve it.

Thanks for reading!
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Old 07-04-2014, 06:19 PM
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Hi MasonHawk - welcome

for me just stopping drinking wasn't enough. I realised after a while I was still living the same life I had when I was drinking - only now there was a huge alcohol shaped hole in it.

After a while that can really rub you raw.

I had to change a lot of things - the way I dealt with problems, the way I interacted with people socially, and the people I interacted with.

I also had to work on accepting that, fair or not, my relationship with alcohol was toxic and if I continued to drink things would get worse.

I don't know what it will take for you to be happy - some try counselling, some AA or another recovery group...I found the support here really helped me - along with those life changes I made.

I'm really happy being sober. I think everyone should be and, if not, you need to ask yourself why...

D
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Old 07-04-2014, 06:26 PM
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Sobriety is possible for anyone, without exception. How you go about it is the tricky part. For me the breakthrough moment was when I finally accepted that I cannot drink responsibly, and I will never be able to. There is no logical explanation why, it just IS. Call it surrendering, or acceptance, or whatever you like....but it is something I cannot change. Is it fair? No. But then again life isn't fair. You have 2 choices...keep drinking and face the consequence, or move forward with a new life.

Once I got to that point, I could focus my goals on getting there. Sober life really is better, my health is better, my family is better, my job is better, everything is better.
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Old 07-04-2014, 06:31 PM
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I found that the times when I was most irritable was when I was missing alcohol and wishing I could drink like people who don't have a drinking problem. The closer to acceptance I get that I just can't drink, the easier it gets for me and I'm less cranky. I am also just starting to hang around with non drinkers. Its amazing how many people don't drink. We plan active activities like hikes that are more pleasant without a hangover.
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Old 07-04-2014, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by masonHawk View Post

Isn't there anybody out there that has mastered this problem or at least learned how to tame it? Or has found a proper road to go down to try to resolve it.

Thanks for reading!
Yup, there are thousands of us. We call it untreated alcoholism or the spiritual malady. What it meant for me was that being sober was far from enjoyable to say the least.

As Dee said above, we have to do more than stop drinking, we have to make some changes in our way of life.

It turned out that drinking was not so much the problem as a solution, until it wasn't. My real problem was an inability to be comfortable in my own skin. When I stopped drinking my external world got better, but internally my world was falling apart.

For me and thousands of others who have felt this way, the method we used was AA and the twelve steps. Probably the last thing any of us wanted to do or thought we would end up doing. But we learned that the symptoms you describe so well are, for us, what always preceeded a relapse.

I wanted to stop for good, that was my first objective, but I was surprised to find this was not only possible, but I could be happy as well.
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Old 07-04-2014, 08:07 PM
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I discovered the people I thought were jerks when I was drinking turned out to be j3rks when I stopped.
The only solution for me was adopt a new attitude toward life.
learning the Buddhist way of life was a step in the right direction.
I am by no means a saint. But learning tolerance and patience has helped tremendously.
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Old 07-04-2014, 08:29 PM
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I deal with similar reactions to people in social situations now. I mostly just wanna get the heck out of there. I'm sober nearly 460 days now. But I really identify with what you've described here... even the therapy situation. After a while, I felt we had it all covered, and felt I was wasting time and money in there.

I don't have much advice really but all I can tell you is what I notice happening. The longer I am sober, the more I become aware of myself and how I react to things, and how I handle things. Every day it seems like I see this or that about myself that I want to change!

Just stay open, stay aware of things. The first step in ANY change is becoming aware of the problem And above all... stay sober.

Welcome to the forum!
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Old 07-04-2014, 08:30 PM
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masonHawk, I don't have any answers but I'm kind of a prickly pear myself who often doesn't want to be bothered, and can be impatient, irritable and judgmental -- but only when completely appropriate, of course! Otherwise I am perfectly pleasant and harmonious.

Maybe look for a book or two on Anger? I have seen such books with secular, Christian and Buddhist approaches to the topic.

You mentioned Xanax in your OP -- still an option to be considered? Your call, of course.

But if it turns out you are naturally a grouse, curmudgeon or misanthrope, why not just go with it and accept yourself as you are?
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Old 07-04-2014, 09:51 PM
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You, me and many other folks make risky choices and decisions everyday towards happiness or contentment, simple peace of mind or just something slightly better than a horrid rut. It sounds like you're stuck, and only you can move yourself. You say you're trying to change, yet you also say, "I'm turning into an *******, and it seems like I really don't mind it." These two attitudes simply cannot peacefully co-exist; their simultaneous presence is utterly unsustainable. I imagine that this unholy alliance is in part responsible for your palpable hatred of other people and, perhaps more important, is the impetus for your self-loathing.

We make our choices. Despite your difficult history, you have as much ability and as many opportunities to improve your lot as does anyone else. It seems, for the moment, you choose not to. None of us can help a person who is not interested in helping himself. Such people are not interested. This may be very sad, but it is also so very true.
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Old 07-04-2014, 10:44 PM
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Maybe I don't know what I am talking about, but here it is anyway.

First, thanks for sharing. Second, you mention scaring that others notice. People will notice such things, but when they get to know YOU those external things disappear. Last and to need more important, if your friends are saying "just have one drink" even though you are saying you don't want to, they are not your friends! Get new friends.
Get new interests doing things that don't revolve around alcohol.

Work on developing yourself into the person you want to become.
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