masonHawk

Hello all,

I was a serious drinker for about 11 years, 29 now I have been sober for about a year and am more irritable then ever. I have such a short attention span for people and there jokes, stories and hobbies that don't interest me. I find myself distancing myself from others and it seems to be a band aid on a situation that seems to be growing into a serious problem.

I was involved in a major car accident 6 years ago and it left me with physical scars that are very noticeable to everyday people. I was drinking when it happened.

I stopped drinking after that for about a year and lost a finger as a result of a careless Co worker. I was sober then. Shortly there after I began drinking again. And then for about 4 years or so there was drunken episodes where I did the usual, black out, embarrass myself and gave myself a few days to re coup and then I was back at it again.

Luckily I found a very special women who helped me turn my life around. She has been by my side through the worst of it and to my surprise she is still here. She has gone with me to therapy numerous times. Yet my therapy only seems to last a few sessions. After the 3rd or 4th session I find myself with nothing else to share with the psychological. I've seen 3 different professionals and it seems like clock work, the 3rd session rolls around and we are just shooting the breeze and I have nothing left to share.

Deep down I wish I could control alcohol like others, ya know, 3 or 4 drinks and call it a night. Unfortunately the way I drink isn't 1, 2, 3, OK one more and that's its. It's usually 1, 2.......14, wait how did I get home?

So now I'm a prisoner basically. I still go to weddings, Jack and Jills, Birthday parties and other events where drinking is the main attraction and I found that club soda is my alternative. When I previously said prisoner I mean, I sit alone and pretty much wait to leave. I can't stand trying to mingle with drunk or buzzed people. My interpretation of this is like going to an amusement park and not going on any of the rides.

I do keep busy though. I'm a full time firefighter and what do the guys do, Bingo, drink all the time. So I come up with every excuse in the book to why I can't hang out. But I do have a real reason why I dont go, my fiance leaving and I play hockey, whenever I can. I've played every sport under the sun and played high school and college sports. And hockey seems like a fit for me. Mainly every other sport you can drink and some what play. Hockey is different, it's very hard to drink and keep your balance on ice skates. So I keep playing hockey to keep myself "sane". Don't get me wrong I enjoy my time with my fiance who supports me, and she doesn't drink either, by choice, she doesn't care for alcohol. I also enjoy spending time with my 2 dogs. But it seems like I'm closing myself off from everyone. I'm turning into an *******, and it seems like I really don't mind it. But I know it bothers my fiance who has been nothing but good to me and I'm trying to change. We don't have many friends that go out with us because it always revolves around drinking. And the last thing I want to do is go hang out at a bar. And it's not like I can't control myself, I've been to tons of bars since I stopped drinking and haven't had a sip of alcohol. Even through all my Co workers trying to get me to just have "one".

So after all that banter, and thanks for hanging in there thus far, I can't stand anybody. My pulse is always rapidly beating waiting for the last sentence to end out of the person talking to me so I can just be alone. I need to figure out a solution. I'm getting married this year and it means a lot to me and I want to be happy along my fiance side. She deserves to be with someone who's not a complete ass on her wedding day. I'm trying really hard but nothing seems to work. The only thing that seemed to work in the past was xanax. I was prescribed it after my car accident and it kept me very level minded and the best part was, I seemed pleasant to be around and I actually could stand being around other people and listening to them without my blood pressure boiling over.

Isn't there anybody out there that has mastered this problem or at least learned how to tame it? Or has found a proper road to go down to try to resolve it.

Thanks for reading!