Originally Posted by
Boudicca 
This is an important point, G. I thought I could lie to myself.....I tried for years to do so. It never really worked, however. Deep down inside, I always knew I was in trouble and what I was doing was wrong for me.
Now that I have equated drinking with violating some moral imperative; a contradiction of what my conscious mind wants......it has become almost impossible to do. The mental gymnastics in which I used to participate simply don't work anymore. I can choose to drink or not drink, but I can't deceive myself about it at all.
I have yet to find anyone who can tell themselves a lie and not know they just told themselves a lie. So, people who say "I will never [something] again" and then do [something] again must have known they didn't mean it from the start. I know that's been the case for my mouthing "never"s in the past.
When I made my Booze Big Plan, I very deliberately removed my ability to even choose to drink or not to drink. Yes, I gave up, turned in, surrendered the capacity to voluntarily drink alcohol. But, far from being a defeat, doing that turned out to be an absolute conquest.