Hi Killer-
I used only that one word because it sounds like you can take on anything! I want you on my side in a fight!
I just wanted to tell you that I think recovery completely sucks.
So many times I've been back up, feeling like I've rounded a corner, and WHAM! Suddenly another pit opened up in front of me and I fell in head first. I started my free life last March. I was so free, so autonomous, worked through so much! Here's what my year in review looks like:
March - (UP) free! healing, coming off a year praying, working really hard on me, see the light, big progress, divorce clears, used up all of my emotional reserves to move cross country
April- (DOWN) X drama setback, kids a mess, knocked me back, angry that could still happen, realize my kids are my weak spot
June - (UP) emerging again, set for "fun summer"
August - (DOWN) "how did I miss these things"? I thought I was past this?
Sept - (UP) hit a routine again, we're gonna be okay
Nov - Jan (DOWN) argh! big pit, more unprocessed feelings arise, more garbage, big depression, go-to solutions not working, can't figure it out
Jan - (UP) write letter to X (didn't give him) telling him everything he did and said to me over the years that aren't mine to own, emerge from depression, recognize and accept the "abuse", read the letter to close friends who never knew any of it, told them to never let me doubt reality (had to make it real). I'm gonna be alright. Yes!!!
Mar - May (DOWN) hit deepest depression yet. Was very afraid of it. Think it was info on DS abuse coupled w watching kids deal with X and struggle. Ran out of serotonin and dopamine. Couldn't see straight for months, struggled lowest of lows, disappeared from SR, didn't go to work, willing to forget it all--could've lost it all
May - (UP) decided I can do this. Climbed back out of the hole one torturous step at a time. Yuck.
June - (UNDECIDED) new wave of crap hit me and I'm hanging on. I see the edge of that hole and I'M NOT GOING IN! They say our subconscious only gives us what we're ready for, which is often why it comes in waves. For me, that means I might be in for a few more dips. I feel like the worst has been this year, which might be true...or maybe it's because things have been better, so the bad hurts more. But I am so much stronger.
Add to that lots of mini-downs along the way. But I'll say this...every time I think I'm "done", I'm better than the last time. My highs get higher. My lows are still pretty stinkin low, but hey, whatever.
X's Year:
Lose job
Buy truck
Vacation
Buy 4-wheeler
4-wheeling
Skydiving
Buy RV
Vacation
White water rafting
Get part time job
Vacation
Learn to hunt
Summer off
Camping
Spent his half of our savings on stuff and drugs, had lots of sex with new wife, had fun out and about, living a carefree life.
And I'm here to tell you...he ain't happy. She ain't either.
If I want to set everything aside (I often do!), I can have superficial fun too. But that's not good enough for me. And I can tell that once I'm really, really there... it's going to be worth the work.
And I'm going to break the dysfunctional pattern for my kids if it kills me!
But back to my initial assertion--recovery DOES suck!
Hugs to you. I get it. We're with you. Apologies if this is TMI.