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Old 06-28-2014, 12:59 AM
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I have worked so hard on myself, and still I get so depressed (especially when I have alone time to actually reflect so I can heal). I could easily ruin my life and avoid my issues by jumping into a relationship for comfort but I don't want to be in a relationship for that reason.. I am trying so hard to heal and be whole and although I make massive progress life just keeps on throwing obstacles at me. I am depressed that while I am doing this hard work my ExA is happy living in Lala land enjoying his life while I am at home staring at the wall everyday after I put my son to sleep. I hate this.. I hate this cycle so much. Help... when is this suffering going to stop tormenting me.
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:07 AM
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Hi killerinstinct, thinking of you.
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:18 AM
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Hi KI, do you have to go out with guys? Wondering if you could get out of the house with female friends?

But if you were just letting off steam, go for it.
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:29 AM
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I don't have to. I am just so damn jealous and envious of my ex husbands affairs with women.. that although the dynamics between them would be toxic at least they have each other and comfort you know, the type you can only get from a lover.. where you can hang around the house all day and talk lovey dovey bliss... I am
so bitter it's not funny. I worked so hard at this.. I just feel like I need comfort.. but u can't just pluck a random out for this I know.. a random will only hurt my situation.
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Old 06-28-2014, 02:18 AM
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Do you know he is happy? Do you know they are banning around the house all day talking lovey dovey or is that what you have told yourself? It's always easy to imagine everyone else having the 'perfect' life, love, night, job. But the reality of most of us is we are never truly 100% happy. There is always something, that is upsetting us. If your x is an A he truly isn't happy. He wouldn't be blocking out life with booze if he was.
Try to look at what is good about your life. Your son, your amazing job at improving yourself, your ability to be a good Mum! There would be some wonderful things about your life if you look. Please tell me some I would love to hear them. X
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Old 06-28-2014, 02:38 AM
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hi understand, yes that's what I am telling myself because I would probably be doing that if I had the freedom but your right I shouldn't make assumptions.

Good things about my life, well to be honest with you I am very lucky and blessed all round wilhen it comes to finances, work, my son, friendships, job, etc.. the only things I'm struggling with are my health and loneliness but apart from that I am very blessed.. thank you for helping me
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Old 06-28-2014, 02:44 AM
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Loneliness is very hard to deal with. I think it's better to be lonely sat at home on your own with your son in bed than to be lonely sat with an A not listening not helping and not being nice. That loneliness is hard too. You said you have great friends! That's really good. You also have us all on sr too. I find I am not as lonely when I'm talking on here. X
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Old 06-28-2014, 02:53 AM
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me too, SR has kept me sane. And you're so right I am so much better in this position than been neglected, lied to and cheated on xx
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:02 AM
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You need a long big cuddle grab one from you son now! Then when you see a friend next hold them for about 3 mins. It's the same as you feel from your lover! I love those big cuddles. I took the opitunity in the super market the other day from the mother of my sons friend. Not a close friend of mine but a caring woman that just understood that a hug was what she could give me if nothing else! It's good to be like that to others isn't it, makes you feel good too!
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Old 06-28-2014, 06:14 AM
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Have you thought of making a gratitude list everyday? The best way is in the morning and evening before you go to bed.
I am thankful for a roof over my head.
I am thankful for all the kisses from my son.
I am thankful.....

I have learned from watching my xAH he is a miserable person. Yes he is doing all the above mentioned but for me it got to the point where I had to decide to waste more time on a situation that is ruined or just keep hoping.

I don't know about you, but once I learned of the cheating I put my big girls panties on and keep going.

It hurts and sucks but what more hurts and sucks is being with someone that is unstable and has a wondering eye.

Keep your chin up and know that there will come a point where you won't be so engulfed in him and what he is doing.

hugs KI
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Old 06-28-2014, 07:54 AM
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I second the gratitude list!

Also, let's talk about things that YOU enjoy rather than you wanting to do the same things your XAH is doing to try to distract himself. There is a big difference between genuine happiness versus distraction or avoidance. Try making a list of things you enjoy doing and pick one or a few and treat yourself to them this weekend.

Sending you hugs!
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:09 AM
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Well, dunno what things look like down-under, but here is the USA version.

Just switch the genders, same story, just about the same song.

(btw -- Greyhound is a US cross-country bus service).

Roy Clark "Thank God And Greyhound" - YouTube
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Old 06-28-2014, 04:15 PM
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where you can hang around the house all day and talk lovey dovey bliss

huh, so THAT is your picture of love and comfort? and THAT is what you think HIS life is like?

even if he is "happy" living his life the way he is.....is that the type of happiness YOU seek for your life? happiness, true happiness, is an inside job....it is something we CREATE for ourselves. it requires action and participation on our part. and it's a choice we make every moment of every day.

I think you missed the gift....after you put your son to sleep..........your precious child is with you, getting tucked in by a loving mom who will watch over his sleep and guard his days. what a lucky boy.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:45 PM
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Hi Killer-

I used only that one word because it sounds like you can take on anything! I want you on my side in a fight!

I just wanted to tell you that I think recovery completely sucks.

So many times I've been back up, feeling like I've rounded a corner, and WHAM! Suddenly another pit opened up in front of me and I fell in head first. I started my free life last March. I was so free, so autonomous, worked through so much! Here's what my year in review looks like:

March - (UP) free! healing, coming off a year praying, working really hard on me, see the light, big progress, divorce clears, used up all of my emotional reserves to move cross country

April- (DOWN) X drama setback, kids a mess, knocked me back, angry that could still happen, realize my kids are my weak spot

June - (UP) emerging again, set for "fun summer"

August - (DOWN) "how did I miss these things"? I thought I was past this?

Sept - (UP) hit a routine again, we're gonna be okay

Nov - Jan (DOWN) argh! big pit, more unprocessed feelings arise, more garbage, big depression, go-to solutions not working, can't figure it out

Jan - (UP) write letter to X (didn't give him) telling him everything he did and said to me over the years that aren't mine to own, emerge from depression, recognize and accept the "abuse", read the letter to close friends who never knew any of it, told them to never let me doubt reality (had to make it real). I'm gonna be alright. Yes!!!

Mar - May (DOWN) hit deepest depression yet. Was very afraid of it. Think it was info on DS abuse coupled w watching kids deal with X and struggle. Ran out of serotonin and dopamine. Couldn't see straight for months, struggled lowest of lows, disappeared from SR, didn't go to work, willing to forget it all--could've lost it all

May - (UP) decided I can do this. Climbed back out of the hole one torturous step at a time. Yuck.

June - (UNDECIDED) new wave of crap hit me and I'm hanging on. I see the edge of that hole and I'M NOT GOING IN! They say our subconscious only gives us what we're ready for, which is often why it comes in waves. For me, that means I might be in for a few more dips. I feel like the worst has been this year, which might be true...or maybe it's because things have been better, so the bad hurts more. But I am so much stronger.

Add to that lots of mini-downs along the way. But I'll say this...every time I think I'm "done", I'm better than the last time. My highs get higher. My lows are still pretty stinkin low, but hey, whatever.

X's Year:
Lose job
Buy truck
Vacation
Buy 4-wheeler
4-wheeling
Skydiving
Buy RV
Vacation
White water rafting
Get part time job
Vacation
Learn to hunt
Summer off
Camping
Spent his half of our savings on stuff and drugs, had lots of sex with new wife, had fun out and about, living a carefree life.

And I'm here to tell you...he ain't happy. She ain't either.

If I want to set everything aside (I often do!), I can have superficial fun too. But that's not good enough for me. And I can tell that once I'm really, really there... it's going to be worth the work.

And I'm going to break the dysfunctional pattern for my kids if it kills me!

But back to my initial assertion--recovery DOES suck!

Hugs to you. I get it. We're with you. Apologies if this is TMI.
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Old 06-29-2014, 02:51 AM
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Wow praying, yes that sounds like my journey too... it's been so hard.. I guess I was hoping to get closure by signing up for working on myself instead of using someone but I feel like I am getting madder by the minute. I spent the day abusing my ex, sending him messages expressing how I felt, and he kept on saying he didn't care and ignored me well that has hurt me even more... after all of this he doesn't even care!! I feel like I am going crazy now... could well right end up in a crazy.ward talking to myself. how can he not care!!!! Jesus Christ I need a mirarcle I can't do this for the rest of my life.. I wish I could stop caring about him I am trying to but it's not my fault that I do.
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Old 06-29-2014, 06:23 AM
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How about starting with no contact?
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Old 06-29-2014, 08:18 AM
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I should point out that the worst parts for me always center around some form of contact. I am what I call No-lo contact. Bare minimum for the kids and ZERO beyond that. And there's still a lot to work on.

In January when I had that epiphany about the hold he still had over me and my responses to his still abusive tactics? I removed myself-- I had created an email account for only interaction with him, which I asked my sis to monitor. She told me only the important stuff (wants to see kids on X day)...simply not hearing his choice of words and instead hearing my kind sister request things helped a lot. She wrote him back, not me. No energy to him whatsoever. I also made myself stop monitoring his texts to my kids, which were often appalling. I thought I "needed to know", but they were jerking me on an emotional roller coaster of anger "on behalf of the kids". I was feeding my addiction (yuck, I hate it when we say that here because it's so true). The very day I committed to dropping it all was scary and beautiful. Peaceful. And worth it. I can ASK the kids and talk to them about it if I'm worried about them. (This improved my communication with them as well.) I waited a long time to go completely no contact, but wow, it's powerful.

I was in some way using the contact to stay looped in. I KNEW I would never get restitution or understanding, but I still have moments where I want it.

I've been "about to" post about the first face to face I had with him in over a year (this spring). This time, in hindsight, it helped pull me OUT of my deep lows, though nothing had changed except me.
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Old 06-29-2014, 02:00 PM
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we have a saying here Quit going to the Hardware Store for Bread.

what you want you just can't get.....from HIM. now the good news is that leaves about 5,002 OTHER options! you came here, that's a good start. you do seem to have a pretty good sense of the big picture.....you're just stuck on some of the stuff in the hallway that you stub your toe on.

maybe start by putting down the phone.....wrapping up the texting barrage. you'd get better and more healing replies from a pine tree.

it's ok, we get it.
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Old 06-29-2014, 02:20 PM
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KI,

I just love SR bc someone is always on between the US, UK and AU. There is a lot of support here for you anytime.

I think being angry and being able to express it is overall grand! I repress my anger. It sounds like many things are truly going right in your life. I am lonely too. My H just admitted to me this week he understands I am lonely. It doesn't solve anything, but at least even my spouse acknowledged it. I think time and patience does seem to allow for growth and reflection. Melody Beattie calls this time the in between. It is a frustrating time, but it leads to new avenues and opportunities. Usually you also realize you have grown and your attitude and perspectives have matured too.

E-hugs to you. Would taking a bath or going for a swim help you feel held by the universe? Be well today!
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Old 06-30-2014, 02:58 AM
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Thank you for all who replied. I've had a huge revelation today... for so long I've been stuck, I've been stuck for 16months, trying to work out why I feel like I'm not making progress, why am
I still so depressed, so bitter and so angry ... I finally realised this afternoon
through a dialogue with the ex that I am still torn, confused, angry, upset, hurt over.. and extremely bitter because I can't seem to comprehend how he could move on so fast, how could he move so quickly, how could he start dating so quickly, start sleeping with women so quickly, how could he move in with a woman so quickly, how could he be so smooth and so confident to just throw me away and get on with the job... how could he move on so quickly... how??? How does someone do that if they loved you. How did he move in with a lady and her children so fast, where did she come from. While I was waiting for him to come
around with my baby and restore our family he was with someone else, while I was praying night and day he was with another... why was I a prisoner to this for so long, why was I in bondage while he was moving on? Why?? I feel like he just didn't know what real love was, he couldn't have, if you really love someone you can't move on that fast... I so so so angry and so hurt.
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