Tizzkins,
This is an illness, no a matter of weakness so don't be too hard on yourself.
I see in earlier posts it was suggested you go to AA but instead of taking the advice you decided to do it your way and this is the result. No problem, we all do that and it usually helps us get a better understanding of our problem.
I can understand your fear of meetings. I doubt I could ever have just walked in off the street. What I did was to call AA and arrange to talk one on one with someone about my problem. That person, having won my confidence, then took me to a meeting and looked after me until I could find my own way.
You now have a clear choice. Call AA, go to a meeting, or repeat the failed experiment.