And I'm back on this thread. And for that I'm so grateful. The world went wonky for a while, and I was locked out of my profile and this thread and everything seemed to be conspiring against me. Rampant paranoia.
I've struggled this week but I'm pushing through it. I took Tuesday off from work to take my parents to the hospital for my Dad's prognosis. It was as we thought...no surgery, no chemo, but they are going to give him a shot of radiotherapy to help with his breathing and the pain. We don't know how long he will live. Leading up to it I had perhaps my worst bout of anxiety yet. I actually took a beta blocker and I haven't done that for years. I was missing an important meeting at work too that day which sent me into a spin. But I was ok when I was with them. Perhaps because they looked so frail and scared and I knew that I was stronger than them and that they needed me. And my Dad held my hand and told me how thankful he was that I was there...and I knew that this was my time to be with him and to let go of the past once and for all.
And while I was there I made a mental note of the department I'm going to next week for my own health problems and where I needed to go..
Since Tuesday I have tried not to stress about work but I know that I've started to avoid things that are going to be hard. That's not good because they all stack up and have got to be faced sometime.
Today I'm stressing to the point of wanting to throw up because I'm taking a young woman I work with to the doctor at the education department. She has severe anorexia and has a history of needing to be hospitalised under the mental health act in the past and I'm thinking that might happen again today. She is petrified and I know that if she's sectioned it is going to be really traumatic.
I feel like there is a weight on my chest all the time and I keep crying which is so unlike me.
And the worst thing of all is that I feel so selfish...I'm supposed to be this loving caring person and all I'm doing is turning every situation into some self-seeking opportunity. This isn't about me. These are opportunities for me to be helpful...so why am I now not eating or sleeping and having panic attacks? Why can't i do stuff for others without crying?
I need a break from all this stress. I'm just so tired.