Today was tough
The semi short version of my story is I've been married to my AH for 8 years, we've been together for 12, and he's been using drugs and alcohol for about 22 years. He also has depression and anxiety, for which he is prescribed medication. Last fall he had tried to kill himself by taking a bottle of pills after a night of drinking. His BAC was .28. He went to a psych ward and then to an outpatient rehab. He did not want go at first, as he felt if he could get his mental health squared away, everything else would fall into place. It was around this time I realized I was married to an addict. Up until this point I always thought he could control the drug use he just didn't want to. Even though he didn't like going to rehab, he liked being clean, and feeling good. I foolishly wasn't worried about him relapsing because he was told he couldn't drink or do drugs with the meds he was on for his depression. At that time his mental health was very important to him. He was working his program, until he wasn't. He started taking hydrocodone, and now I know he is drinking beer at times too. Over the past month all his old behaviors are back, the lying, moodiness, needing money all the time, and the constant "I'll be back in hour". He's lying about going to his outpatient therapy, and is extremely defensive when I question him about it. Over the years his doc has changed from alcohol, cocaine, benzos and opiates. I suspect opiates is what he's currently using but I'm not sure. So he admitted his relapse to me a couple weeks ago, and I was devastated. That's when I started reading here, and realized I'm codependent. I'm trying to figure out my next step. I'll think I'm detaching myself, and setting boundaries and then days like today happen. He showed up at my work, needing the bank card to take out money. He actually left his work for the day to go buy drugs (even though he wouldn't admit that's what he's doing). I'm yelling at him, and trying to guilt him into not using, which is just a waste of my time and energy. After everything we went thru last fall it kills me to see him do this to himself. I know him and i know he'll continue to use until the next tragedy. I want to be at a place where I can walk away, or at least not care what he does, but sadly I'm not. We have two little kids, and I fear the day I have to tell them something terrible had happened to their Dad. Thanks for listening to my ramble, any advice or suggestions welcome.