Today was tough

Old 06-19-2014, 08:01 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 23
Today was tough

The semi short version of my story is I've been married to my AH for 8 years, we've been together for 12, and he's been using drugs and alcohol for about 22 years. He also has depression and anxiety, for which he is prescribed medication. Last fall he had tried to kill himself by taking a bottle of pills after a night of drinking. His BAC was .28. He went to a psych ward and then to an outpatient rehab. He did not want go at first, as he felt if he could get his mental health squared away, everything else would fall into place. It was around this time I realized I was married to an addict. Up until this point I always thought he could control the drug use he just didn't want to. Even though he didn't like going to rehab, he liked being clean, and feeling good. I foolishly wasn't worried about him relapsing because he was told he couldn't drink or do drugs with the meds he was on for his depression. At that time his mental health was very important to him. He was working his program, until he wasn't. He started taking hydrocodone, and now I know he is drinking beer at times too. Over the past month all his old behaviors are back, the lying, moodiness, needing money all the time, and the constant "I'll be back in hour". He's lying about going to his outpatient therapy, and is extremely defensive when I question him about it. Over the years his doc has changed from alcohol, cocaine, benzos and opiates. I suspect opiates is what he's currently using but I'm not sure. So he admitted his relapse to me a couple weeks ago, and I was devastated. That's when I started reading here, and realized I'm codependent. I'm trying to figure out my next step. I'll think I'm detaching myself, and setting boundaries and then days like today happen. He showed up at my work, needing the bank card to take out money. He actually left his work for the day to go buy drugs (even though he wouldn't admit that's what he's doing). I'm yelling at him, and trying to guilt him into not using, which is just a waste of my time and energy. After everything we went thru last fall it kills me to see him do this to himself. I know him and i know he'll continue to use until the next tragedy. I want to be at a place where I can walk away, or at least not care what he does, but sadly I'm not. We have two little kids, and I fear the day I have to tell them something terrible had happened to their Dad. Thanks for listening to my ramble, any advice or suggestions welcome.
Sadie33 is offline  
Old 06-19-2014, 08:11 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am sorry. Sounds like it is time to separate finances and build yourself up a secret stash. Take your time and read thro the stickies at the tops of the family and friends forums, there's a wealth of help there.
((hugs))
Live is offline  
Old 06-19-2014, 08:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
needingabreak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi Sadie.I am so sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. This is a great place for support but also to learn how to take care of ourselves as loved ones of an addict.
Have you read the stickies at the top? They are full of great wisdom and information.
As for your husband there is nothing you can do to stop him. He has to want to change.
Right now you need to do what is best for you and the children. Are you afraid of him using all your money for drugs? That may be something you need to take care of.
I would also recommend reading Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie and seeing a therapist if possible.
Others will be along shortly with support and help. I'll be saying prayers for you and your family.
needingabreak is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 03:20 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Sadie,

Sorry you have to be here, but it's a great resource, with all the reading you can do about addiction and codependency. And real life stories.

Its good to understand that you are codependent, but not so easy to change! It takes time, and work, and determination on your part to be happy and live a healthy life. You and your little ones deserve that. Sounds like your hubby is not going to face facts until he is miserable enough.

Needingabreak's suggestion of 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beatty is really a good one. It is my go to source for comfort, when I feel trapped, or sad , or hopeless. It has helped countless folks. I think you would find a lot of good stuff there, for you.

There are also meetings you can go to, to share and find support from others.Al-anon is a good one. there are other meetings similar to that, probably in your area. It felt good to me to go and know I was not alone. You will find that here, too, but face to face is very comforting.

I hope you keep posting. We can help and we care. Take care of you today. You matter. Take a little baby step in a good direction, and when you see how good that feels, you will want to continue. Its horrible living a life directed by an addict.

hugs.
chicory is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 03:50 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Sadie, I'm sorry your husband has relapsed after such a promising recovery. In view of you having children in the house, have you taken steps to make sure he isn't in charge of them while high? Do you have any behaviour you just won't put up with, such as obvious intoxication, from your AH? You may want to consider not having him in the house while using.
I agree with the other posters that you will need to quarantine as much of your income from AH, including what you can get from his salary, because he should be supporting you and children, not spending it all on his DOC, and counting on you doing it all. Will he agree with diverting some of his wages into an account for the purpose which he can't access?
It's worth keeping a diary and any relevant documents if you think this will end in you needing legal advice. Showing him the consequences of his actions may be the only way to get him to reconsider.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 04:01 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sadie, I can't add much to the wise words above me but I wanted to send a hug and add prayers for you and your children.

Having a plan in place for an emergency exit is always a good idea. If you had to leave tomorrow, having some money on hand and a plan in place for somewhere to go would give you the courage to do whatever you need to do.

Meetings helped me find my balance, even though my son's addiction continued. Maybe give them a try and see if they don't help you too.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 06:26 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 23
Thanks everyone, for the kind advice. As far as finances, "our" bank account is actually MY bank account. His name is not on it. Even if you take his addiction out of the equation he is terrible with money. He gives me his paycheck each week, and I deposit it into the account. He uses the card that goes with the account to buy whatever, gas, food etc. Lately, he's been asking for money, instead of letting me just deposit the whole check, which is a sure sign he is using. The only time he demands to take cash out himself, like he did yesterday, is when he's buying drugs, and it can't wait. Currently, he's working a lot of hours and can support his habit, but should his hours get cut, which can happen at anytime, then his habit gets in the way of paying bills. Unfortunately he is the breadwinner, and without financial support from him I couldn't stay in my home. I also don't have a lot of family support. We also have liens filed against our home, due to his unpaid medical debt, from when he had to be hospitalized years ago without insurance (this was not drug related). The liens mean we can't refinance and make selling the home more difficult.
Im trying to figure out boundaries. So far my only nonnegotiable thing is he has to stay on top of his mental health, and continue his medication. When he doesn't he becomes verbally abusive, and completely mentally unstable. At this point I can say if his addiction gets in the way of that, he's out. But so far that's all I got.
Sadie33 is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 06:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Sadie,

Welcome to the Board.

He was working his program, until he wasn't.
That's always the case, isn't it? One minute, all seems well, and then the next, he's gone off the rails. As for what you should do, that's simple: do whatever is necessary to protect your children. However you choose to do that is entirely up to you. All I would add is you should assume the worst, meaning your AH is going to continue to use. His words, at this moment, mean nothing. Until he decides he's had enough and starts doing the necessary and hard work to recover, you should do everything within your power to protect your children, and yourself.

Be safe.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 09:57 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It's the start. Being honest about how we really feel, what we deserve and how to get it is the beginning. Great beginning.
KeepinItReal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:49 AM.