Was she too harsh?
So I decided to tell my best friend what had been going on with my boyfriend and I (my boyfriends relapse). Even though he has been clean for a little while now, and seems to be doing really good, she asked me how things have been with us so I decided to tell her. Thinking she's my best friend, she'll give me some support..right?
A little background info on her. I have not seen her in 3 months and we have rarely talked, she lives 15 minutes away. She is wrapped up in her new boyfriend (kind of fiance), and she's the kind of person that forgets her friends when she is in a relationship. Pretty much the only times I've talked to her recently are when she needs to call me to vent about something or asking for advice. But last night was the first time she's asked me in a very long time how I am, so I told her.
I told her about his relapse, and she went straight to "Leave him" "Do you really want to marry this man and have his take all of your money out of the accounts?" (Mind you, I've NEVER talked about marriage with him. We don't fantasize about marriage like she does.... ps. she's already engaged to her new boyfriend, and she's not even divorced yet) "Do you want this man to abandon you and your kids?" (Who said anything about kids?) blah blah.. all of these HORRIBLE situations.. Now, I KNOW that all of these situations are very real and happen to people who are with addicts every single day. I know it's a true reality. However, people also CAN get clean and stay clean.. Just because you are an addict does not mean that you will relapse after relapse after relapse for the rest of your life. It all depends on how bad you want it.
Her father is a crack addict that has never been in her life, so I understand why she has such strong negative opinions about it. But I just didn't expect her to be SO negative. All I really needed from her was, "wow. be careful. i love you. i'm here for you." Not her pretty much telling me I'm stupid for holding on to hope that this won't happen again. I'm not holding on to hope that this won't happen again, but I AM holding on to hope that he can put this addiction in to remission for a long time, if not forever if he really wants to. I know addiction is like cancer, it can never be cured, but you can treat it.
And I am not a weak person, I simply gave him another chance, but would never allow him to relapse in our relationship over and over and still be with him. I WILL WALK AWAY if I need to. But is it so wrong of me to love him enough to stick around for now, when he's doing so good? I don't think so.
If he relapses again in a week, that is a different story. But I deserve to be happy with him right now. Not many addicts have a person in their life who is rooting for them, and I am giving him that. I want him to win.
I told her that she was an addict for love, which is very very true. I told her not everything in life is a fairy tale, and she craves fairy tales. That is why she moves from man to man and falls "head over heels" in love with her "soul mate" (I didn't know that there are 10 soul mates for each 1 person?). I know it wasn't mature or nice to go tit for tat with her, but I wanted her to know that nobody is perfect. Fairy tales do not exist in this world.
It just really made me angry that she only saw the negative part of this situation .. She had zero hope that things will ever work out with us, and that's something that nobody knows the outcome of. "I only know of 1 success story about someone who has been clean for 20+ years" she said. She also only knows like 3 addicts. I've been to countless meetings with my boyfriend, and know way more about addiction now then I ever thought I would know, there are many people who can "beat" their addiction.
I don't know, I guess I'm venting myself. I don't know why she was so harsh about it, without even hearing the other side of it. I feel like she was unfair.. Am I wrong?
(Like I said, I know all the scenarios she said could very well happen if I stayed with him, married him, had kids with him, while he was still using, etc.. I know the reality of that. I deal every day with wondering if I can stay with him always having his addiction in the back of my mind, and that is something I will work out in my own time. I just wished she realized it doesn't ALWAYS have to be that way)
Thank you