Hey Robert. I can assure you that i am an unremarkable, run of the mill alcoholic. When i was consuming 1.75L of vodka every 3 days or so (often supplemented by beer or another alcoholic drink) i weighed around 110-115 pounds. I'm a 5'2" woman and i could drink men nearly twice my size under the table. That is, on the rare occasion i left my house and drank around other people. I lived in a different state from my husband for over 2 years because i refused to get sober and move. We were still very much a couple but i made excuses and hid my drinking from him and the poor guy bought it. In fact, i did not voluntarily move. My mom couldn't get in touch with me, found me blackout drunk and called my husband. My household was packed up in a few days while i went through withdrawals and i was moved from Alabama to Wisconsin. I then lived in the basement for several months, pissing into the utility sink (which is quite a feat for a woman) and more passed out than consciousness.
I got medically detoxed, got drunk, went to rehab (in the middle of which my father-in-law died), sober for maybe 3 months, got drunk, stayed drunk for a while with many attempts to get sober, rehab again, kicked out of IOP for showing up drunk and finally went to AA. Quit AA after a few months, stayed sober for 10 months, got drunk, stayed drunk, back to AA, sober 3 months, got drunk, got sober, moved to Seattle, few weeks sober, got drunk, had some odd circumstances occur and got sober on March 25, 2014. I got a homegroup, a sponsor, a women's meeting and a few more and am diligently doing what my sponsor tells me. I practice honesty constantly and am doing everything i can to live a life where i no longer need to drink.
I promise you that i am an alcoholic. I don't heavy drink. I freaking drink. If alcohol touches my lips, i'm off to the races. There is no moderation. Not even a chance. I have two relationships with alcohol. One is to drink with wild abandon to the detriment of my health, my relationships, my self respect and my sanity. The other is to not drink at all. For me to not drink at all, i have to work my ass off every day. If i was just a heavy drinker, i would just not drink. I wish it were so easy. Instead, i devote hours a week, if not hours a day, to my recovery program. For example, i am writing here now while my dinner grows cold. Why? I have to. I have to stay in contact with other alcoholics. I need this more than food. More than air. If i'm not practicing recovery at all times, i'm headed for a relapse and i don't know if i would survive that.
It doesn't matter how much you drink or how often. It doesn't matter if you were able to get and stay sober the first time or if you're in a constant cycle of recovery and relapse. An alcoholic is someone who has an allergy of the body and a obsession of the mind. I practice recovery all day every day because it relieves my obsession. I have to be obsessed with recovery or i will eventually start living a life where alcohol becomes to solution to all of my problems. In many ways, i don't have an alcohol problem. I have a sobriety problem. I am not equipped to live an unregulated sober life. I can't live without the obsession. I need advice and support from other sober alcoholics or i will once again to alcohol for support. If i'm sober and i'm not participating in active recovery, i get twitchy. The only thing that relieves this twitch besides recovery is alcohol.
Normal people, heavy drinkers, don't obsess. They get hammered when they drink but it's not the focus of their lives. If faced with severe consequences, they will not drink. If faced with severe consequences, i will drink to relieve the fear of those consequences. It's who i am. It's what i am. An average alcoholic. My only defense is my program. If i get lazy with that, the safety net i rely on is gone and i fall into booze again.
I understand your struggles, i really do. I empathize with your hopelessness. Rehab didn't fix me. My psych wanted me to go back but i know how that goes and all the self knowledge rehab gave me won't cure me. Nothing but a relationship with my Higher Power, the fellowship of sober alcoholics, absolute honesty and transparency in my emotions and working and reworking the 12 steps throughout my life will keep me sober. It's a lot of work and honestly, it sometimes seems like drunking is the simpler answer. Maybe it is, but i can't force that life upon my friends, my family or myself anymore. I have gained respect and love for myself. I want to keep sober and share my experiences with those who still suffer. I'm a lush. I'm selfish. I'm mentally ill. I'm a sober alcoholic in recovery and i want to share. Honesty and acceptance are my masters now. If i throw them out, alcohol is there to take their place. It will always be there. Waiting.