Hi finch! I am a mom too! Life of the party for many any years. When I hit the wall about four months ago, I too was PETRIFIED of living without a drink, I mean off my rocker scared!! I have been attending some meetings, but most importantly I see a therapist regularly who helps me through this process and it is priceless. I could not have done this without him. I also have realized my time with my kids is SO much better, fulfilling and more fun! Wow, now that's the REAL party, that's is what feels GOOd to me! From your post, you sound nothing as you describe yourself. You sound intelligent, caring, insightful, honest and courageous. You have to face the drinker in you. Own it, accept it and move through it in any way or with any help you can. You WILL feel better, you will and I think you will find that your relationships will improve as your feelings for yourself improve. Hang in there girl! You can do it!