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I don't want to

Old 06-11-2014, 09:09 PM
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I don't want to

Hi all.
I'm new to this forum. Actually, I haven't posted in a forum for a very long time, but I'm really feeling like I need some help, and I've read through a few posts and suddenly don't feel so alone.
So, gosh... Taking this first step is a massive leap of faith in myself, and I have never had faith in myself, so I'm not sure how I will go. But I'd really like some ideas/feedback/help from any kindred spirits out there who may relate to me in any way.
I'm 34, female, have two lovely young kids and a fiancé (their dad) whom I adore when I'm drunk but doubt when I'm not.
Likewise, I have many friends whom I have a lot of fun with when I'm drunk, but not when I'm sober.
They are fun people, and I don't doubt that we could have fun together sober.
But I am not a fun person. I'm pretty dull, lazy, socially awkward, self loathing etc.
I'm fun when I'm drunk. I'm entertaining, funny, intelligent etc. Of course, that's most likely all in my head, but it's what I feel through and through.
I didn't drink when I was pregnant, but I'm ashamed to admit I've breastfed my second baby many times when drunk. Please don't attack me about that, please. I feel awful, I felt awful every time, but I still did it. That's the thing isn't it? Drinking makes me feel awful. But I can't wait to do it. On Mondays I wake up thinking that I need help and by Wednesday I've convinced myself that I'm fine and one drink won't hurt. Of course I never stop at one. I'll easily polish off a bottle of wine alone in a night. Worse is on the weekends when I get together with my friends and we go through several bottles. My dad died 6 weeks ago from massive liver failure. He was drink his whole life, its all I've ever known of him. I don't want my kids to have the same always tell myself that they won't because I'll stop myself before it gets to that point. But what is that point?? I want to be happy for my kids, but I'm only happy when I'm drunk. I don't want to be drunk for my kids.
Seems pretty clear doesn't it? So what's the problem? The problem is that I don't want to quit. I want to be the kind of person who can have a couple of drinks on a Saturday night, but not the kind of person who lives for that Saturday night. The thought of quoting is so final, so absolute. I know that if I quit I have to quit for good. And I don't want to quit for good
So I've tried that approach. I've started a 12 week exercise programs counting calories, and including wine of course. I made it through week one and felt awesome. And then I realised that if I ate less I could drink more and still be within my calorie allowance. By week 4 I'd lost 8kgs and then the calorie counting had gone out the window. I started drinking more, I would tell myself that I would just have a couple but it never worked. If I ran out of wine if move to beer. I've put 5kgs back on since then. And I feel awful, again.
Gosh it seems so obvious to me what I have to do. How do I do it??? I'm so scared that if I don't just have a relaxing drink that I won't be able to have any fun with my partner. We have always drunk together. There have been times when he has quit, and I said I would too but I couldn't.
I guess, now that I think about it, if our relationship can't survive sobriety, then it's not a great thing, is it? Thing is, I don't feel like it will survive this, the way things are now. I'm too miserable.
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Old 06-11-2014, 09:42 PM
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Sorry I cut off abruptly. I appreciate anyone who reads this. Just writing it has been a big help. It's occurred to me that the reason I'm always miserable is either because I'm in the wrong relationship, or I have a drinking problem. It's a lot easier to quit drinking than to quit my relationship, so I think that's where I'll start
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Old 06-11-2014, 09:45 PM
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Hi Finch - welcome

You sound like a lot of us here - just ordinary people with a problem they can't seem to fix on their own...not bad people, but good people who sometimes made some pretty crazy decisions

SR really helped me - there's a lot of support and wisdom here - and more important the stories and threads I read convinced me that I couldn't be a normal drinker,. but I could live without alcohol and be happy.

I really hope you'll let us help you too

D
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Old 06-12-2014, 02:30 AM
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Hello Finch xx
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Old 06-12-2014, 03:30 AM
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Hi Finch. You'd be amazed at how many women have similar stories as yours. I go to a well attended women's meeting on Thursday nights and if you were to share your story there, you'd find many of us nodding our heads. So many of us have tied alcohol to "fun." Honestly, there aren't a lot of things, besides participating in sports, that you can't throw alcohol into the mix for a little more fun. You know, that's fine and well for most of the population but not so if you're an alcoholic. Sure, it's fun for a while until it isn't. When it isn't, it REALLY isn't.

Alcohol does not make you funny. It does not add to your whit, you insight, your humor or your personality. What it does is break down the barriers we put up to hold those things in because we are afraid of not being well received. Alcohol lowers the barriers and we take more chances. We participate more and we think that we are funnier and more enjoyable to be around because of the booze. And hey, if we crack a joke that doesn't go over well, well hey! We were drunk! No one takes it seriously if you're drunk! We treat alcohol like a Get Out of Jail Free card for participating in social settings. We are afraid and we use alcohol to mask the fear. Well, I say we but I mean I because I can only speak to my experiences.

I personally don't think about living a sober lifetime. I didn't exactly see myself living a drinking lifetime either. When I was drinking, I lived in a very small, fearful world. Drinking was the answer to all the questions in my life. Fear, celebration, sadness, boredom...just drink. I abhorred being uncomfortable. I finally became so spiritually dead and physically beat down that I realized my foreseeable future had shrunk down to hours, a few days at best. Right now, in recovery, I concentrate on my present. I am sober today. I make plans for future events that help my sobriety but I don't borrow sober time. I'm sober today. Tomorrow, who knows? I'll probably be sober but I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Focus on today. It's the only think you have direct control over.

I'm glad you found SR. We have lots of good sobriety here, many loving and supportive people and lots of sage advice. I've found my solution in AA. I've found freedom in acceptance and I have finally opened my mind and my heart so that the universe can guide me instead of me trying to bend the universe to my will. My young people's homegroup (even though I'm 33) and my women's group (Cute but Dangerous shout out!) have been instrumental in saving my life. Perhaps you could find help in a similar group?
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Old 06-12-2014, 03:40 AM
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Hi finch! I am a mom too! Life of the party for many any years. When I hit the wall about four months ago, I too was PETRIFIED of living without a drink, I mean off my rocker scared!! I have been attending some meetings, but most importantly I see a therapist regularly who helps me through this process and it is priceless. I could not have done this without him. I also have realized my time with my kids is SO much better, fulfilling and more fun! Wow, now that's the REAL party, that's is what feels GOOd to me! From your post, you sound nothing as you describe yourself. You sound intelligent, caring, insightful, honest and courageous. You have to face the drinker in you. Own it, accept it and move through it in any way or with any help you can. You WILL feel better, you will and I think you will find that your relationships will improve as your feelings for yourself improve. Hang in there girl! You can do it!
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Old 06-12-2014, 07:39 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Finch!! You'll find loads of support here!!
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Old 06-12-2014, 07:46 AM
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Welcome, Finch. You will find so much support, encouragement and understanding. You are not alone; the amazing people on this forum are here to help you, to help each other.
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Old 06-12-2014, 07:55 AM
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finch. glad youre here. i had some of the same concerns. i found that getting over the initial month brought new feelings towards all relationships.

how long have you gone dry? speaking of self, alot of the crappy self-doubt stuff went away as my brain equalized. i still have my base issues. but, now i have the optimism that i can improve on these. while using, i didnt have much of a chance.
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Old 06-13-2014, 07:27 AM
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Hi all,
It's late here, and my laptop won't connect to the net to let me write a decent response, one that isn't full of typos like my last, hurried, clumsy iPhone attempt! But before I go to bed I just wanted to thank you all so much for your words. Every time a new post came up I eagerly read it, feeling an overwhelming mix of relief and growing strength. I suddenly don't feel so alone and powerless, or like I'm overreacting to something that many people don't see as an issue. I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of writing, and a lot of feeling positive. I will respond properly shortly, but I did want you all to know that your time and encouragement in response to my post has not gone unnoticed, at all!
Good night x
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Old 06-13-2014, 07:51 AM
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Hi Finch and welcome to SR! I'm a mom too, but unfortunately I didn't start to sober up until they were grown and gone from our home. They grew up with a drunk, checked-out mother. I started trying to quit when they were pre-teen and you don't know how badly I wish it had stuck then. But it didn't. I too wasn't willing to quit drinking forever. How sad for my boys!
This time around (and believe me, I am no expert! Only on day 19) I have been leaning heavily on my AA buddies, going to meetings and really connecting with these wonderful, sober people. They have much wisdom to share. And SR has been a godsend to me. My approach to my sobriety is on much firmer ground than it ever has been ... because I am humble and willing to open my stubborn alcoholic brain to the possibility of a better life. Everyone's road to recovery is their own personal journey, and for me, this is what works today. I only wish I had done it sooner. But it is what is ... I am sober today and will be sober when I go to bed tonight.

I wish you the best of luck ... find what works for you. Everything will work out in time ... just be sober today.

Onward ...
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Old 06-13-2014, 08:08 AM
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Hi Finch, I've been sober for just over 2 years and it's a much better world without the self-reproach that comes with drinking too much. Just give it time, and make little social projects for yourself to try to be more outgoing without the drink. It takes a bit of practice, but it comes in time.
I wouldn't go back for anything.
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