Hi Finch. You'd be amazed at how many women have similar stories as yours. I go to a well attended women's meeting on Thursday nights and if you were to share your story there, you'd find many of us nodding our heads. So many of us have tied alcohol to "fun." Honestly, there aren't a lot of things, besides participating in sports, that you can't throw alcohol into the mix for a little more fun. You know, that's fine and well for most of the population but not so if you're an alcoholic. Sure, it's fun for a while until it isn't. When it isn't, it REALLY isn't.
Alcohol does not make you funny. It does not add to your whit, you insight, your humor or your personality. What it does is break down the barriers we put up to hold those things in because we are afraid of not being well received. Alcohol lowers the barriers and we take more chances. We participate more and we think that we are funnier and more enjoyable to be around because of the booze. And hey, if we crack a joke that doesn't go over well, well hey! We were drunk! No one takes it seriously if you're drunk! We treat alcohol like a Get Out of Jail Free card for participating in social settings. We are afraid and we use alcohol to mask the fear. Well, I say we but I mean I because I can only speak to my experiences.
I personally don't think about living a sober lifetime. I didn't exactly see myself living a drinking lifetime either. When I was drinking, I lived in a very small, fearful world. Drinking was the answer to all the questions in my life. Fear, celebration, sadness, boredom...just drink. I abhorred being uncomfortable. I finally became so spiritually dead and physically beat down that I realized my foreseeable future had shrunk down to hours, a few days at best. Right now, in recovery, I concentrate on my present. I am sober today. I make plans for future events that help my sobriety but I don't borrow sober time. I'm sober today. Tomorrow, who knows? I'll probably be sober but I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Focus on today. It's the only think you have direct control over.
I'm glad you found SR. We have lots of good sobriety here, many loving and supportive people and lots of sage advice. I've found my solution in AA. I've found freedom in acceptance and I have finally opened my mind and my heart so that the universe can guide me instead of me trying to bend the universe to my will. My young people's homegroup (even though I'm 33) and my women's group (Cute but Dangerous shout out!) have been instrumental in saving my life. Perhaps you could find help in a similar group?