I don't want to
Hi all.
I'm new to this forum. Actually, I haven't posted in a forum for a very long time, but I'm really feeling like I need some help, and I've read through a few posts and suddenly don't feel so alone.
So, gosh... Taking this first step is a massive leap of faith in myself, and I have never had faith in myself, so I'm not sure how I will go. But I'd really like some ideas/feedback/help from any kindred spirits out there who may relate to me in any way.
I'm 34, female, have two lovely young kids and a fiancé (their dad) whom I adore when I'm drunk but doubt when I'm not.
Likewise, I have many friends whom I have a lot of fun with when I'm drunk, but not when I'm sober.
They are fun people, and I don't doubt that we could have fun together sober.
But I am not a fun person. I'm pretty dull, lazy, socially awkward, self loathing etc.
I'm fun when I'm drunk. I'm entertaining, funny, intelligent etc. Of course, that's most likely all in my head, but it's what I feel through and through.
I didn't drink when I was pregnant, but I'm ashamed to admit I've breastfed my second baby many times when drunk. Please don't attack me about that, please. I feel awful, I felt awful every time, but I still did it. That's the thing isn't it? Drinking makes me feel awful. But I can't wait to do it. On Mondays I wake up thinking that I need help and by Wednesday I've convinced myself that I'm fine and one drink won't hurt. Of course I never stop at one. I'll easily polish off a bottle of wine alone in a night. Worse is on the weekends when I get together with my friends and we go through several bottles. My dad died 6 weeks ago from massive liver failure. He was drink his whole life, its all I've ever known of him. I don't want my kids to have the same always tell myself that they won't because I'll stop myself before it gets to that point. But what is that point?? I want to be happy for my kids, but I'm only happy when I'm drunk. I don't want to be drunk for my kids.
Seems pretty clear doesn't it? So what's the problem? The problem is that I don't want to quit. I want to be the kind of person who can have a couple of drinks on a Saturday night, but not the kind of person who lives for that Saturday night. The thought of quoting is so final, so absolute. I know that if I quit I have to quit for good. And I don't want to quit for good
So I've tried that approach. I've started a 12 week exercise programs counting calories, and including wine of course. I made it through week one and felt awesome. And then I realised that if I ate less I could drink more and still be within my calorie allowance. By week 4 I'd lost 8kgs and then the calorie counting had gone out the window. I started drinking more, I would tell myself that I would just have a couple but it never worked. If I ran out of wine if move to beer. I've put 5kgs back on since then. And I feel awful, again.
Gosh it seems so obvious to me what I have to do. How do I do it??? I'm so scared that if I don't just have a relaxing drink that I won't be able to have any fun with my partner. We have always drunk together. There have been times when he has quit, and I said I would too but I couldn't.
I guess, now that I think about it, if our relationship can't survive sobriety, then it's not a great thing, is it? Thing is, I don't feel like it will survive this, the way things are now. I'm too miserable.