What it came down to for me with my STBXAH is that he was not capable of giving me and the kids what we needed. The reasons why stopped mattering, and so I stopped arguing and started leaving. Eventually being with someone who was completely avoidant -- and argumentative and gaslight-y about it to boot -- was no longer a workable option for me and there was no more discussion to be had, or time limits on when he could and couldn't call me. The door was just closed.