Stung

So I'm having a rough morning, things started off great. My baby has an allergist appt today, I told my husband about the appt when I scheduled it and he confirmed that it was in his schedule. This morning he tells me he's going to go to a work meeting instead of going to the appt (and he actually asked me if it was okay and I said it was fine, I can't dictate what appointments he does or doesn't attend for our kids, although these food allergies scare the hell out of me and he has never been to a single allergist appointment.) Maybe 30 minutes later baby girl is broken out in hives all over her neck, chest and tummy. Cue mommy freak out, the day that I actually have to use the Epi pen will give me LOTS of grey hair.

Here is the thing, I handled the situation on my own but I still want something from my spouse. This is new territory for me and I'm freaked out and I'm making that loud and clear and still nothing. It is normal to be freaked out about your own kid and want a spouse to commiserate with, right? Am I being needy? Is he being selfish? All I know is that I'm unhappy and I want to point my finger at either him or myself. And I NEED to go running to work off this yucky energy but I'm too on edge to not monitor baby girl's breathing for 30 minutes to run a few miles. Ugh.... Goosfraba.

CodeJob

Stung,

I'm sorry you are having a rough day. Food allergies are indeed scary. In general my H was not particularly understanding of my mom freak out sessions. A lot of my anxiety was my inability to be "perfect" in a multitude of roles. Women are set up to fail.

So I have failed and now I take Prozac. Apparently I'm not alone - and neither are you!

The Perfectly-Hidden Depressed Person: Are You One? | Dr. Margaret Rutherford

dandylion

Stung.....I empathize with you. It is sooo hard to be a single parent. There are many married single parents!!!!!!!

dandylion

MissFixit

That sounds very scary and kudos to you for handling it well. There are lots of jobs where unless someone is actually dying in the ER you cannot break away from. It is a price of certain high powered careers. From what I observe with friends it is pretty normal for one parent (the mom usually) to go to the dr appts w/o dad. The moms are like the chief medical officers of the house.

Is he in meetings all day or can you call him to commiserate?

lizatola

I'm sorry Stung. I totally understand. My AH was never really involved in any of my son's issues and has never been to one appointment. I don't even think he knows where the orthodontist or doctor are even located or who we take our son to. I feel like I've been a single parent since day 1. He's fun dad and will play ping pong and take our son to play tennis and stuff but that's about it.

Can you afford a treadmill for the house? That way you could run and still have the little one nearby? My son has food allergies too and we have an epipen in the house, as well. I understand the fear but soon you'll have the answers you need and you'll be able to help her better. A friend of mind found that her daughter was breaking out in hives from the herbs that were in the pasta sauce they were using. My son is highly allergic with throat symptoms(itching and closing) from pineapple. Seriously? Pineapple! I was floored when we figured that one out, LOL. Hang in there!!! I hope you get your run in soon, too! I wish I could run, I did too many deadlifts at the gym yesterday and my hamstrings are so tight, I can barely walk, LOL!

Gonnachange

Stung, have you considered purchasing a jogging stroller? With some patience you may be able to get a used one on Craigslist or other such site.

Stung

CJ, thanks for that article. Yep, that's me.

I think it's totally normal for dads to not attend regular pediatrician appointments but meeting with the allergist to discuss our 10 month old baby's growing list of food allergies is both unusual and extraordinary, I think it would be a priority to attend this one. What if I was 30 minutes away and surfing (no cell phone) and she broke out in hives while he was watching her? What then? What if she started wheezing? He has no idea what to do and doesn't even know how to use the Epi pens or what next to do after that or to watch for.

I have a BOB double jogging stroller, it's awesome and I use it several times a week but I can't see her face or hear her breathing while I'm running. If she were to start coughing or have trouble breathing in conjunction with hives then we need to head to the ER. So far she's allergic to dairy, eggs, peanuts and a few other nuts and I highly suspect soy as well. These aren't obscure foods, which is why I feel its important for my husband to know what he needs to do to prevent anaphylactic shock or what to do in case it should occur. And I want to just lean on him and say "OMG that was so stressful!" And for him to at least have a general idea how serious this stuff is.

dandylion

Stung---absolutely, it is a normal and natural desire to have your child's father help shoulder some of the responsibility in this situation. Especially, the emotional stress of it all--at least.

Over the years--and in my own first marriage-- I have observed an appalling lack of equity when it comes to sharing the domestic and child-rearing responsibilities in marriages. I would say that it is still more common than not!
This has a history of cultural sanctioning..with some minor inroads recently.

Has this kind or role demarcation been in place since you were first married? Have you all ever discussed this?

I think that you will need to tell him straight up what you need in this area. (in this case it is imperative that he understands what to watch for and what to do).

You may need to negotiate a change in this portion of your marriage. Trust me--he is not just going to realize it on his own.

again--I THINK WHAT YOU WANT IS NORMAL...and, no it is not being too needy.
By the way....even though some men have careers that are very unforgiving about missing time from work.....there are other ways of picking up the slack of nurturing responsibilities.

This is actually a big subject......one in which I pulled out lots of my own hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

FireSprite

CJ - great article, thanks. I definitely relate to that & was thinking about starting a thread today about that topic. "When others think you have it all together...."

A friend said it best last week, "Just because I CAN handle one more thing doesn't mean I WANT to or that I SHOULD."

Stung - I absolutely agree with you on the severity of your DD"s situation & how he *should* be more informed just for reasons of general safety. If I'm reading your post right when you say:

then you are really just looking for some support from RAH, right? In that case yes, I think it is a perfectly "normal" expectation about your spouse especially regarding your children. But is it "normal" in relation to a recovering addict who is struggling with a recent relapse & recommitment to sobriety & his program? Maybe not. It might be a little hardware-store-bread situation simply due to where he is AT in his recovery right now.

With stuff like this I have learned to be very, very plain & clear when I try to relate my thoughts & feelings to RAH. I cannot leave even a tiny bit up to his interpretation.

"RAH.... I am feeling very overwhelmed & out of my comfort zone with this allergy stuff for DD. It's important & scary & I've never been through it & I am worried to pieces & I really need some support from you. I feel like I have been very straight forward in explaining this to you yet you aren't reciprocating. So I need to know, am I asking for something that you aren't able to give or are you simply not understanding how serious this is to me?"

I often find that we have very different ideas of what support even means because we each view what we need in terms of support differently. (i.e. he thinks he is supporting me because he's showing support the way he wants to receive it, not in a way that *I* find supportive necessarily. We have different definitions & it led to a lot of hurt feelings because, "I AM doing what you asked!" Which is what led me to turn it around on a basic level, "Then you tell me what I am asking for in your own words". It's usually very different that what I really want/need.)



BTW - bonus points for working "Goosefrabba" into conversation so nonchalantly. Hilarious.

NYCDoglvr

It's ok to want but try not to expect his participation. You handled it and you'll handle the next thing that comes up.

Stung

You know, being a little removed now and reading here I actually think that I am being given an obscure message and the breakdown in our communication is what is causing conflict.

He called me and said that he was going to a work meeting instead (he's the boss, he went a meeting with an employee that he was going to run with or without RAH, hr didn't need to go to a meeting it was a conscious choice I think his exact words were "better use of time") and propositioned it as an "is that okay with you?" type of question. I threw it back at him, whether I'm okay with it or not isn't the deciding factor as to why he does something. But what he was REALLY saying is "I don't want to go. Are you mad?" And truly, at the time I thought just whatever about it but the allergic flare up that happened afterwards changed my opinion on the matter. Like THIS is EXACTLY why he should be going!

However, after all of that, he called me and told me that I was overreacting and it wasn't a big deal. And how do I know that she likely has a soy allergy too? MFer. Thems fightin' words! So I told him I won't be speaking to him again until Wednesday at 9. If he can't be consistently kind to me then we don't need to talk. Boundary up.

I'm very much going to the hardware store looking for bread. BUT the hardware store used to be the bakery and I'm like, "WTF?! Who puts a teeny tiny sign out front saying that you don't sell bread anymore? Where am I supposed to get bread from if you're not selling it because I still want to eat sandwiches and French toast!!"

dandylion

WOW---what a smack-down. It sounded very hostile and angry (toward you), to me.

This is about co-parenting your child. One would hope that he could compartmentalize his anger enough to still be a nurturing parent to your child.

It would make my blood boil, also! I think you are smart to wait until some time passes to talk to him.

dandylion

lillamy

Well, I have a few thoughts here. Knowing food allergies. And such.

Yes, there may have been a communication issue where you backed down and felt "I can handle this on my own" when you really somewhere felt you wanted him there. Because that's what we do, us codies. So there is that.

But there's also the part where as a parent, he should be willing and concerned enough WITHOUT you having to say "Listen, buster -- whether this marriage is going to hold together or not, there will be occasions when you are alone with Little Princess, and as these food allergies go, you won't have the luxury of contacting me because I know and you don't because by the time you find your phone and call me, it'll be too late. So I don't care if your job meeting is with Pope Francis himself -- this is your child we're talking about and if you have any intention of being involved in her life, you'd better get your a$$ to that appointment. Capish?"

Because that is God's honest truth. You AND he need to know what to look for, you need to be able to use an Epipen and not hesitate doing it.

This is not about whether you need someone to hold your hand because you don't like seeing your child get immunizations. This is a life and death situation. And maybe that's why he doesn't want to be there? Because it would drive home the fact that he has helped put a child into this world and he needs to be able to be responsible for that child?

Not that I have been in that situation or anything... apologize for the somewhat strong feelings... I'm sure my ex never even read the instructions for the damn Epipen... I did teach my then-11-year-old how to use it though... on herself...

Shining~Again

First post from OP, I couldn't understand what could not wait till he was off work regarding the info he needs to know to deal with allergies.

My daughter had febrile seizures..I knew what to watch for and so did husband. Problem was, my dear husband who would of given his life for her, fell apart during seizures. Then I had 2 to take care of and get to hospital.

When he gets home from work, or whenever you choose to speak to him again (preferably when he's not working), make sure to explain everything to watch for with the wee babe. Her being so young makes this much more crucial than anything like my allergies.

My daughter and mom use the "dummy pen" that comes in all my boxes. After stabbing my thigh with it many times, being told what to look for in me ...cause I do NOT want that drug unless I truly am in dire straights, they have no fear of the actual med.

Even when docs told me what to look for and that DD was NOT gonna die with the seizures....when she shook, foam came out of her mouth and nose....it was without a doubt the scariest thing that EVER happened to me. She was 6 mths with the 1st one, 8 months with second....2 something with the next. etc etc till she was near 6.

You definitely should have him there to commiserate with and share your basic mom fears. That is yes, totally normal. Of course it is!

all my best

edit - sorry no spellcheck on this one. am being yelled for to get back over to barn.

involved

Alcoholics drink to avoid...is it possible that now he is sober, he is scared and doesnt know how to handle this situation and so he is doing his best to do what A's do...avoid dealing with it? It's not an excuse but at least if you knew where he is coming from you could belp him understand how important his participation and education are in this!

Stung

Unfortunately the RX I was given was for only 1 set of pens and our box didn't come with a dummy pen. However, the RX was updated today by the allergist with unlimited refills. So he has no idea how to use it other than what I have told him.

He has no idea that peanuts are hidden in many foods or what to look for, no clue that kids with dairy and peanut allergies are prone to have soy allergies too, no knowledge that nut allergies can sometimes mean seed allergies and that it is still entirely possible for her to develop further nut allergies as she continues to grow, no idea of when to call 911 or what to look for or who to call and he didn't have the opportunity to ask questions, he probably would have asked a few relevant, good questions that I wouldn't have thought of too.

Instead, he thought only of himself. He didn't want to go and so he found an excuse and catered to his own wants, never considering that our daughter and HE needed to go to learn a few things about her basic care. Our daughter has needs but his want to avoid whatever, whenever trumps all. There are consequences for avoiding things…how many times does an alcoholic have to learn this lesson? Avoiding life doesn't make it go away. Our daughter still has food allergies whether he went to the appointment or not.

I will not be leaving her alone in his care. I hate that Father's Day is this weekend too. Way to not give a crap about our daughter's general safety and wellness! Happy Father's Day!

Becky13

I totally relate to your post. My husband is a workaholic and nearly anything related to the kids is my job.

My kids are 5 and 7 now, and I've finally come to the point that I never rely on my husband or expect him to be anywhere. I can't control what he does, I can only control myself.

It sucks. It really does, especially when they seem to not care about the well-being of their children. But, like you said, you're never leaving her alone with him again, so you are taking control.

I guess the worst part is coming to the realization that he doesn't want to be there. It hurts.

I've stopped bringing it up, it only results in fighting. I've just changed all my expectations of him.

Don't know what else to say other than I hear you, and I'm sorry.

involved

Quote: Our daughter has needs but his want to avoid whatever, whenever trumps all. There are consequences for avoiding things…how many times does an alcoholic have to learn this lesson? Avoiding life doesn't make it go away. Our daughter still has food allergies whether he went to the appointment or not.

My RABF has a 21 year old daughter who now only gives him the time of day when she gets around to it...it breaks his heart, but those are his consequences. He wont be receiving a fathers day card again this year most likely...he now knows how badly he f@?!ed up, and that he cant get those years back...what goes around comes around....its on him...

MissFixit

My father told me several years ago that some people define themselves by their children, some people focus their lives around their children, however, he is not one of those people, never was and never will be.

Could your husband just prioritize work over his family? He certainly would not be the first man (or woman) to do that? It certainly doesn't excuse anything, but might help you understand his priorities and not be shocked when he doesn't respond the way you want him to. He cannot be something he isn't or doesn't want to be.

What you are describing really is exactly like the majority of households I know. Not that it excuses anything, but I don't think this exchange is about alcoholism, more like self-centeredness (a big trait of active As).

When he was like the bakery, was that before kids?

lillamy

Here's what I'm hearing: You're feeling abandoned, alone, and afraid in dealing with your daughter. (And angry.)

That's all normal, I think. Wanting your spouse to co-parent with you is normal. It's just one of those things where you think WTAF, man -- can't you even step up to the plate for this? And maybe he can't. Maybe he's simply not capable of thinking of her before himself.

I think it's wise to not leave him alone with her. And you can do it on your own. It hurts. It's infuriating. But you are capable. (((hugs)))