Originally Posted by
Daisyforever 
Here are the basics-
I am a 39 year old female. I’ve been drinking heavily since I was about 22.
I don’t drink during the day but I drink almost every night and have been for years. I can easily put away 8 to 12 beers. Things get especially painful if I decide to add a little rum or tequila into the mix.
I do hold down a day job, I actually like my day job (most of the time). I function pretty well at work but lately I have noticed cracks that can be seen beneath the façade. I’m sure if I notice it, others can too.
I’ve been married 14 years. We have no children. My husband used to be just a moderate drinker but his usage has also increased over time and he is almost as bad as I am (he’s also twice my size, if that gives you any idea how bad I am). We are “happy” drunks together. It has been a very rare occasion that we’ve ever fought while drunk. This makes it harder to quit.
I have made a few halfhearted stabs at AA over the years, but I always quit going after a few meetings. Nothing has really stuck with me but I know that is not AA’s fault. I have gotten down on my knees many times and prayed to God to please take this sickness from me, but nothing ever changes and then I start to think if God doesn’t care, why should I? (pathetic, I know)
It is terrifying to have your body and mind conspire against you to try to convince you that you must have something that will absolutely kill you. I betray myself over, and over, and over again. It’s terrifying.
I have very few friends who are not big drinkers. Honestly, I really have very few friends period. I used to have a lot of them but as time goes on I just don’t like to leave the house. I consider every request for my company a complete imposition on my drinking time, so I constantly turn down invitations or cancel at the last minute. I do this to family, too.
Last night I started throwing up bright red blood. Lots of it. That was a first. I was too drunk to really panic about it. I told my husband what happened, and he said, well maybe we shouldn’t drink for the rest of the week. He hasn’t even called me today to see how I am doing.
I am scared guys. I feel so hopeless. I'm not even 40 years old, and I feel like I might not be around much longer. It’s like a part of me wants help and wants to get well so bad but then another part of me wants to completely and totally self-destruct, all the time. It‘s horrible and sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wasn’t around anymore.
Daisy
Hi,
I have just about a minute ago responded to a similar post. My concern is for you to find the lasting solution but everything you attempted, did not seem to be successful.
Well, in this case I shall make my response concise. And it is a story. Here it is.
Story begins with a nation - people, who were rescued by God. People's name : Israel.
This God of theirs, blessed be his name, has told them what the red lights are: work for nobody else but for Him, since He is the best employer, don't do things that your mind-images suggest, since you will die from them, and so on.
However, just like anybody else on average, they did exactly the opposite of this light discipline: they set themselves up with some statues, fornicated before the statues, decided they did not need the "heavy discipline" and - were killed by the enemies in the end.
How does this translate to your case ? Easy. Your job is the statue you sacrifice before. Your mind - evil consequence of statue (idol) worship. Your habits (including alcohol) - your only reward.
Will kicking the alcohol out work ? it might for a while. But how about these idols, that you make daily sacrifices to ? What other evil fruit will they bear ?
That is how I view your situation.
Let me pray for you here quick:
Dear God. You are God of justice, but as well - you are God of mercy. Was it not you who rescued the woman, who was bound by satan for 18 years in that synagogue ? Was it not you, who silenced all the excuses and made her well ?
Jesus! I am asking the same for this woman here! Is she not your daughter too ? You promised you would be quick to respond to anything I ask. Well, I ask that you act, Father, and act quickly. If there is anything that must be stopped - I ask your hand to stop it. Anything that must be broken ? I ask that you break it. Anything to be healed ? I ask that you heal.
In Jesus name . Amen.