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I don't think I'm going to make it

Old 06-10-2014, 12:55 PM
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I don't think I'm going to make it

Here are the basics-
I am a 39 year old female. Iíve been drinking heavily since I was about 22.
I donít drink during the day but I drink almost every night and have been for years. I can easily put away 8 to 12 beers. Things get especially painful if I decide to add a little rum or tequila into the mix.

I do hold down a day job, I actually like my day job (most of the time). I function pretty well at work but lately I have noticed cracks that can be seen beneath the faÁade. Iím sure if I notice it, others can too.

Iíve been married 14 years. We have no children. My husband used to be just a moderate drinker but his usage has also increased over time and he is almost as bad as I am (heís also twice my size, if that gives you any idea how bad I am). We are ďhappyĒ drunks together. It has been a very rare occasion that weíve ever fought while drunk. This makes it harder to quit.

I have made a few halfhearted stabs at AA over the years, but I always quit going after a few meetings. Nothing has really stuck with me but I know that is not AAís fault. I have gotten down on my knees many times and prayed to God to please take this sickness from me, but nothing ever changes and then I start to think if God doesnít care, why should I? (pathetic, I know)
It is terrifying to have your body and mind conspire against you to try to convince you that you must have something that will absolutely kill you. I betray myself over, and over, and over again. Itís terrifying.

I have very few friends who are not big drinkers. Honestly, I really have very few friends period. I used to have a lot of them but as time goes on I just donít like to leave the house. I consider every request for my company a complete imposition on my drinking time, so I constantly turn down invitations or cancel at the last minute. I do this to family, too.

Last night I started throwing up bright red blood. Lots of it. That was a first. I was too drunk to really panic about it. I told my husband what happened, and he said, well maybe we shouldnít drink for the rest of the week. He hasnít even called me today to see how I am doing.

I am scared guys. I feel so hopeless. I'm not even 40 years old, and I feel like I might not be around much longer. Itís like a part of me wants help and wants to get well so bad but then another part of me wants to completely and totally self-destruct, all the time. ItĎs horrible and sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wasnít around anymore.

Daisy
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:00 PM
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Daisy,

I know all too well of feelng dead on the inside and hoping I don't wake up in the morning. I really did not want to die though - I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. If you are vomiting blood you need to go to the Dr. Don't think about your husband not calling you - he might not even remember it. This is a great place to get help and advice and this site helps me stay sober. Give it a try..its worth it.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:00 PM
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Giving up drinking is hard but very rewarding. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good. If you haven't already done it, I'd suggest seeing your doctor for a check up and ask him/her for help in getting safely thru the detox.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:02 PM
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Welcome to SR, Daisy. You will find a lot of support here. I'm glad you found us.

Please see your doctor as soon as possible about throwing up the blood. This is not good and you need medical attention.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:06 PM
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Hi Daisy and welcome to SR. I'm the same age and had similar drinking habits,at home. I knew I needed to quit years ago but never managed it. I joined sr and it was the best thing I ever did. I finally quit 18 months ago and my life has changed in ways I never thought possible.

You're not too old to turn this around and you can do this. Please see your doc asap though and be totally honest with them .They will do blood tests and that will give you peace of mind and/or treatment if required.

I don't use AA but am on SR daily and use Rational Recovery/AVRT which works for me.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:07 PM
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I was in almost your same position age wise with my drinking. The good news is you can absolutely turn this around, but immediately you need to seek medical care. Throwing up blood is an emergency and you need to treat it as such.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:10 PM
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Hi and welcome to the possibility of a type of life you might say each morning “It’s great to be alive.”
Unfortunately it does not come by wishing for it, action and work are involved along with a word we don’t usually like, TIME.
First I’d strongly advise getting medical attention and be honest with them as you know things don’t get better by wishing.
Keeping a focus on these pages and putting effort into AA meetings has helped many, even if we don’t want to. Application of ourselves can lead to a healthy, mentally and emotional life. Continuing to drink never gets better.
BE WELL
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:14 PM
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Please, Daisy, seek medical attention right away.

Welcome to SR. We are here for you.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:16 PM
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Welcome to SR, Daisy. I am glad you are here with us.

You will find lots of helpful advice and support here. There are thousands of us who were exactly where you are. Sick. Despondent. Hopeless. Desperate.

Well, we are living proof that it is NOT hopeless. You CAN get better. And your life can be turned around. If you don't believe that, just read some of the threads on this Newcomers Forum.

You have come to the right place. Good luck. You have taken an important first step toward a happier life.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by firstymer View Post
Welcome to SR, Daisy. I am glad you are here with us.

You will find lots of helpful advice and support here. There are thousands of us who were exactly where you are. Sick. Despondent. Hopeless. Desperate.

Well, we are living proof that it is NOT hopeless. You CAN get better. And your life can be turned around. If you don't believe that, just read some of the threads on this Newcomers Forum.

You have come to the right place. Good luck. You have taken an important first step toward a happier life.
It's like...a 500th step. I have tried to quit so many times. Well, maybe I haven't tried nearly as hard as I should though. It is obviously true that "wishing" and "praying" are nice but they just aren't going to do it alone, are they.

I guess I will need to go to the doctor and get an overall health assessment. I'm trying to avoid taking any drugs to detox, at least not any that are narcotic (not good for my hyper addictive personality) and I'm not that crazy about SSRi's either. But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Uggh. THank you guys.

Daisy
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:25 PM
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Daisy, please seek medical attention.

This disease will take everything from you that you have because it's relentless. I hope you decide to live a sober life. It's not at all hopeless, and recovery can be full of hope.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:30 PM
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AA is appealing because I think I need friends. Sober friends. My "best" friend is also a heavy drinker and she essentially stops talking to me if I decline her invitations to go out and do more drinking. Right now she is not talking to me because she wanted me to go to Las Vegas with her for our birthdays (they are one day a part). I had a feeling that would be a very bad idea so I told her I just couldn't go, now it's the silent treatment again.

I love to read and watch movies, and I love all kinds of drinks besides just alcoholic, I love sweet tea and can drink it by the gallon. I don't feel I'm healthy enough right now but it would be nice to get to a place where I could go enjoy a sober outing with friends also committed to being sober. I really have no idea what that would be like but I bet it could be fun.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:35 PM
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Daisy I'm glad you joined us. You'll benefit from being among those who understand.

I drank the way you describe when I was your age - but I didn't do anything about it. I knew I was headed for trouble, but couldn't imagine giving it up. When I finally quit, over 10 yrs. later, I was in a terrible state. Bad things had happened, both healthwise and every other way. Please follow your instincts and kick it out of your life. It's good to have you with us.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:36 PM
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Well it's been already said about seeing your doctor, heck I would go to the ER if was you.

That being said, I think you know deep down inside what needs to be done. I know it's scary, but sobriety is the only way out of the cycle.

I hope you keep posting and our common hopes and support can help you get better.

Be kind with yourself
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:36 PM
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sober outings are actually way more fun than drinking ones...

and fun - as it turns out - is actually something entirely different than we've thought all along as we've wired our worlds around booze.

I went through a 13 year marriage with a 'drinking buddy' - I know how hard it can be to shift out of that mode with your happy drunk spouse in your happy drunk routines.

But listen; puking blood is a pretty damn good sign you're not headed in any kind of good direction.

Get yourself to AA please. And a doctor. Don't just WANT to stop drinking; COMMIT yourself to sobriety.

AA is a really good help / foundation - having personal face to face connection with people who understand is immensely helpful.

Keep coming and posting here. Try one small healthy change a day.... you can do this.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:40 PM
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Please remember that the number ONE person you want to get sober for is YOURSELF. PERIOD. Yep it may be selfish but that’s the way it works. NO ONE can get us sober but ourselves for ourselves. I’ve seen hundreds fail by trying it their way.

BE WELL
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Daisyforever View Post
I guess I will need to go to the doctor and get an overall health assessment. I'm trying to avoid taking any drugs to detox, at least not any that are narcotic (not good for my hyper addictive personality) and I'm not that crazy about SSRi's either. But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Uggh. THank you guys.

Daisy
I am also against taking any drugs for recovery, which I realize is completely hypocritical as I drugged myself daily with alcohol for decades. But it's a 100% valid concern and please do tell your doctor you'd like to avoid any drugs if possible.

Your immediate health issue of last night cannot be ignored though- and it's not something you should put off for a future health assessment. Vomiting blood needs immediate medical attention, like going to the ER immediate if you can't get in to see your regular doctor today.
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:01 PM
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Thanks, everyone for your replies, advice, and experience.

A huge stumbling block is fear. Fear of facing my past, or that my marriage wont' survive sobriety, perhaps I also have a fear of "growing up", and accepting life on life's terms with no anesthetic. I don't know how to do these things, I'm scared to go to the doctor, scared to reach out, terrifed of change. And I don't know why?? Why do I hate myself so much? It's like a sabatoge my own attempts to be happy. It's incredibly frustrating.

I've had car accidents, and too many embarrassing incidents to mention, and really I've been suffering health problems for a while, last night though, was a first. I am having a hard time getting my mind around going to a doctor and telling them exactly what I've been doing. It is hard for me to be completely honest in a face to face setting. I don't have a regular doctor (besides Urgent Care), I've had some kind of phobia about medical professionals for many years now (probably thanks to the secretive nature that alcoholism instills upon us).

Anyway enough rambling. I do really appreciate everyone who took the time to respond.
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:13 PM
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Daisy, one of the best things I ever did for my fear and anxiety was to get to the doctor a few years ago. I did find out exactly what was wrong with me, and some of it was due to drinking, as well as other poor lifestyle choices. However, once I knew what was wrong, and made a plan to change things, I got healthier and it reduced my fears and anxieties a great deal.

I still struggle with the sobriety bit, but even then, I drink much less than I used to, and have had sober stretches. Hopefully I am sober forever now, I am sober today anyway. My health has improved greatly and I no longer fear Dr. Appts.
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Old 06-10-2014, 03:20 PM
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I know it seems like you're in a hole that's so deep you can't ever climb out, but many people on these boards have started from the same place and gotten better (I am one of those people). It is an achievable goal to get free from the booze. People can and do make it, and there's no reason you can't be one.

Just starting -- the point of giving up on giving up, and actually trying -- that was a big turning point for me. There was a lot of failure after that, but there were a few successes, too, and now, a couple of years later, I think I have the ship pointed in the right direction.

It is really scary, and uncomfortable, and you probably will have a bunch of anxiety going on anyway, but if you commit to act and have a plan to manage those feelings, and find support where you can, all that stuff goes a long way.

Good luck
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