Originally Posted by bgb1980

I divorced my husband a year ago. He was a heavy binge drinker who would be gone all night, if not days, leaving me alone with out two children. Or worse, bringing drunk strangers back to our home in the middle of the night with our children right upstairs...it was hard but life was better on our own...eventually I decided to try to date. And I honestly thought I found the perfect man...he was kind and sweet and attentive. All the things I've gone without for so many years...he told me he was in recovery and had a previous dui...I was ok with that. He said he was sober. I felt proud of him...it's been many months now and suddenly it's as if the other shoe dropped...there was a night where no one could find him. it turned out he had checked himself into a hotel. 9 empty bottles were found hidden in his bedroom and more in his car. he hadn't been to work all week...he cried and said he was ashamed and said he was desperate not to lose me...I was afraid to make the relapse worse and I do love him very much, so I stayed the night. But I found him trying to sneak a bottle even that night when he thought I was distracted in another part of the house...I took it from him and expected the worst he could give me...he didn't. he just went quiet...now I have to admit my worries go to him drinking all the time...I look for it, but never come right out and ask...I'm fairly certain he is still drinking in small amounts every day, avoiding becoming drunk but drinking enough to not suffer physically from not drinking, but I don't have proof. it's a gut feeling like someone is lying to you...he dances around or avoids the subject any time I try to bring up sobriety...I want to be able to tell him that I need him to become involved in a program of some kind, that I don't feel that he can fight this battle alone. And that I'm willing to stand by him and fight it with him, as long as I'm not the only one...he has told me how much he despises the 12 step program and how he feels it doesn't work...but I've never heard of a more successful way to stay strong and healthy...after this last episode he tried to tell me he had only been drinking for a few days and had been sober for all the time before that, but he was sweating and shaking and throwing up and his eyes had this crazy look I'd never seen in him before. And when that passed he just looked ill and hollow and yellowishly pale...it was frightening...he had promised me a future and that he loved me...but I'm not sure he loves me more than drinking...but I need a way to find out before I invest even more of myself into a man that I'm afraid isn't really the man I fell in love with...at least not all of the time...how do I begin this conversation? I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to set off a binge...do these conversations ever work? can you be enough of a reason for someone to want to be healthy and work to stay sober? or am I just dreaming that this man could ever love me enough to be able to walk away from alcohol?