barefoottoday

Yesterday my bf got upset because I wouldn't loan him money to buy a tool for a job he was working on. I also moved money around our joint accounts because he had overdrawn one, resulting in all three accounts having less than $5 in them. He told me to stop trying to fix things (duh, that's what I do, ya know that!) and I told him, don't you worry, I'm working on me (progress is slower than I would like, but I am making progress!), it was a mistake but hey, I'm on the account too, I'm liable. He said how 'bout he removes me from the account. I said sure thing, and I tried to handle it myself but I guess we have to go to the bank together. And I think I called his bluff because now he's acting like he doesn't want me off the account because then it implies that we aren't building a life together anymore, that it would then be about him and me as opposed to "us." Huh. I think in most healthy relationships people retain their individual identities and have an "us" in addition. Not we lose ourselves into this blob of "us-ness." Right?!

Anyways, the real zinger came in the conversation about this whole situation. He actually literally said, right to my face, that he quit heroin for me, for our relationship!!! I really didn't know if I felt like crying, laughing, or who knows what. I mean, I can see people getting clean again, especially ones that have had some sobriety under their belt, because they don't want to lose everything they've worked so hard for, sure. Maybe everyone doesn't have to lose absolutely everything every time they relapse in order to get back on track. But for him to say that directly to me like that...ugg, it just felt so...so much like not a truth! Am I wrong here?

It took me years and years and years--probably until the last year or two quite truthfully--to actually completely understand that, when I was a child, there was absolutely nothing I could have done to stop my mom from using. Nothing. And that her using had nothing to do with me, and that her not stopping had nothing to do with me. It didn't matter how much she loved me, it was not because of me. Nothing I could have done would have changed anything. She and I had a conversation not a month before I started dating my bf in which I cried in front of her (I hate crying and especially in front of her) and told her that I had accepted that I couldn't have saved her when I was younger. She of course started crying and just said, "Finally!"

And to hear that sh*t, that line come out of his mouth...wow. I must be flipping magical! *sarcasm*