Originally Posted by
LeighD 
. I am at war with myself, and drinking is a way to numb those feelings instead of dealing with it.
Hi and welcome! I really get what you said above. Everyday I was at war with myself, so you know what I done?! I threw in the towel, I gave up on everyday being a living nightmare. Where can I get drink, how can I hide it, acting normal, feeling Ill, hating, infact despising myself, feeling paranoid, not looking after myself and generally not being me.
I'm only 20 days sober but it's day and night to 21 days ago!
If you want this you can do it.
One day at a time.
L x
The part you said about where you could find alcohol and how to hide it really did a number on me when I read it. Just last night, I was hiding my wine in a Pepsi can, waiting until my husband walked away to take a chug directly from the bottle. I feel so embarrassed by it. I could literally be standing there, telling myself I was pathetic, and as soon as he walked away I would run over to drink.
I love my husband to death and it hurts me that he feels I am unhappy being with him. I guess that's part of the reason I broke down because it has nothing to do with him and he can't even help me if he tried right now, he can't fix my confusion about things, and it kills me to know that he thinks my life with him is what makes me drink, when it's my own choices, or lack thereof, that really is.