Notices

New here..

Old 06-06-2014, 11:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
Unhappy New here..

Hi all,
it is very hard for me to start, where do I begin?

I am obviously here because I feel I have a drinking problem, but I...just don't know where to start.

I am 25, happily married, with no children at the moment. I currently attend online college for accounting, but why I shouldn't be is just another part of my problem.

I grew up in a wonderful household, with loving parents who never mistreated me (except for the 'unfair' groundings). I met my husband when I was 15, was married by 19, and have had what I think is a great life so far, besides my career choices.

I keep stating I don't know where to start, simply because I don't know where or when my addiction really started. My husband and I enjoy drinking, and I literally used to badger my husband about his drinking because alcoholism runs heavily in his family. It is ironic, because now I believe I am the one with the problem.

He only enjoys a couple drinks on his days off, while I have become a daily drinker. I have been having drinks every night for the passed 3 weeks. I wait until I am starting dinner, so I use that as an excuse (not drinking all day) but doing that just makes me drink heavier. I generally drink wine, or mix up a large batch of margaritas that I drink all night. Tonight, on my own, without anyone else having a single glass, I have drank 2 bottles.

My husband brought up my drinking the other night and I had an utter and complete melt down. I told him the truth about everything, how I feel so unaccomplished, a loser that I had no job and basically no interest in school, how I felt like I had to choose between having children and an education because there was no way we could afford a school loan payment and a child. I want children more than anything, but I also want to be able to leave a legacy for my children, and not one that was 'your mom was a lazy housewife' (i say lazy because I hate cleaning). We had a very long talk, about how I want to be a Biologist, but I don't see that ever happening, as stated above with costs and all.

I guess I am at war with myself, and drinking is a way to numb those feelings instead of dealing with it. I want all these things, but feel like I have no means of obtaining them. Yes my husband provides for me, and we have money, although very little, to do a few nice things once a month...but not enough to afford another school payment.

I worry because I know I have an addictive personality, and I don't want to be consumed by alcohol, but I fear that has already happened.

I know this is a lot, and it's all over the place, and if you read it all I am very appreciative. Any input will be very much appreciated.

ETA: I say 'another school payment' because we already pay over $300 a month for my husbands school loan
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-06-2014, 11:26 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
.
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 12:49 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
MythOfSisyphus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,936
Hello, katiemay01! It's good to have you with us. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate! Where to begin? Well, I was a late bloomer. Most of the kids in my school were partying and getting wasted starting in junior high. I was a serious kid, studious, honor roll, etc etc. Never interested in drinking or partying until after HS graduation. But then I went a bit wild. My first drink was at 18 but looking back I see now that I had a blossoming drinking problem already by 19 or 20. By the time I got married at 23 I was already a daily drinker and a binge drinker.

I don't know what you should do about school. I quit college after 2 years but went back when I was in my early 40's. Now at age 45 I'm about to graduate with a bachelor's in business administration. For me college is something I owe to myself. But if you don't really know what you want to do maybe you could take a break from school? No sense making an expensive mistake. Of course, it's one thing to plan to go back and another to do it. It took me 20 years to start again!

But the drinking is an easier decision. Just quit! There's virtually no downsides or negative consequences to not getting drunk. But as you're learning drinking has lots of negatives.

You'll find lots of support here, katiemay01-no matter what you decide to do.
MythOfSisyphus is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:28 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Welcome to SR!

Problems with Alcohol unfortunately only get's worst. The condition is progressive. I have yet to see one member that was able to revert back to social drinking.

Really glad you joined, keep posting as much as you need! We are here for support
Thepatman is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:40 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Foolsgold186's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 780
. I am at war with myself, and drinking is a way to numb those feelings instead of dealing with it.

Hi and welcome! I really get what you said above. Everyday I was at war with myself, so you know what I done?! I threw in the towel, I gave up on everyday being a living nightmare. Where can I get drink, how can I hide it, acting normal, feeling Ill, hating, infact despising myself, feeling paranoid, not looking after myself and generally not being me.

I'm only 20 days sober but it's day and night to 21 days ago!

If you want this you can do it.

One day at a time.

L x
Foolsgold186 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 01:28 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for your kind words, it really means a lot and left me to reflect on things, and a few new things I need to think about.

I used to binge drink every weekend for 2 years, and the hangovers actually cured me from drinking for about 6 months. Now I guess I've moved onto heavy drinking daily, and it's almost scarier that I'm not waking up with a hangover, if that makes sense.

My husband actually suggested to quit school until I figure out what I want to do, so we aren't wasting a lot of money. If I quit now we'll only owe a little over $1000. I just worry if I do decide to go for a Bachelors in biology, how I will ever pay it off.

I know figuring these things out will be my first step in helping me deal with my problems, but I feel like I don't have the tools to solve them.

I have a lot of thinking to do, and thank you all so much for helping me along the way.
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 01:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LeighD View Post
. I am at war with myself, and drinking is a way to numb those feelings instead of dealing with it.

Hi and welcome! I really get what you said above. Everyday I was at war with myself, so you know what I done?! I threw in the towel, I gave up on everyday being a living nightmare. Where can I get drink, how can I hide it, acting normal, feeling Ill, hating, infact despising myself, feeling paranoid, not looking after myself and generally not being me.

I'm only 20 days sober but it's day and night to 21 days ago!

If you want this you can do it.

One day at a time.

L x
The part you said about where you could find alcohol and how to hide it really did a number on me when I read it. Just last night, I was hiding my wine in a Pepsi can, waiting until my husband walked away to take a chug directly from the bottle. I feel so embarrassed by it. I could literally be standing there, telling myself I was pathetic, and as soon as he walked away I would run over to drink.

I love my husband to death and it hurts me that he feels I am unhappy being with him. I guess that's part of the reason I broke down because it has nothing to do with him and he can't even help me if he tried right now, he can't fix my confusion about things, and it kills me to know that he thinks my life with him is what makes me drink, when it's my own choices, or lack thereof, that really is.
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:03 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Foolsgold186's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 780
I hear you with the hiding wine in a can!! I hid it everywhere!! Ripped linings of bags out so it wasn't visible when I had the bottles in my bag, the misery and hassle I went through just doing that must have aged me by ten years! Some of the extremes we go to just for a crappy drink.

You'll get there in time, just write how you feel here, everyone really understands.

Stay strong.

One day at a time.

L x
Foolsgold186 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:06 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Hi, KatieMay!

There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to devote your entire life to taking care of a husband and home and raising children. If you cannot truly afford school now, perhaps this is God's way of steering you in that direction, especially if it is your heart's desire.

I dropped out of college when I was 19. I felt inferior all my life for not getting my degree--but I was never sure what I wanted to study, anyway. I stayed at home, we paid off my husband's student loan, and I raised my kids for many years, taking an occasional college class here and there to give my brain something to grab onto.

Eventually I became content with myself as a valuable human entity, and stopped caring about whether I ever ended up graduating from college.

Within a couple of years, my husband suggested I go back for my bachelors. We were in a much better position to afford it, and my mind was in a much more together place than it ever was when I was young! I graduated last August with a degree in religion, which suits me better than my two previous majors, English and electrical engineering, ever did.

Get your sobriety together and share your thoughts and dreams with your husband, all of them. Everything happens in its good time.

God bless you.
Gilmer is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:13 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Gilmer View Post
Hi, KatieMay!

There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to devote your entire life to taking care of a husband and home and raising children. If you cannot truly afford school now, perhaps this is God's way of steering you in that direction, especially if it is your heart's desire.

I dropped out of college when I was 19. I felt inferior all my life for not getting my degree--but I was never sure what I wanted to study, anyway. I stayed at home, we paid off my husband's student loan, and I raised my kids for many years, taking an occasional college class here and there to give my brain something to grab onto.

Eventually I became content with myself as a valuable human entity, and stopped caring about whether I ever ended up graduating from college.

Within a couple of years, my husband suggested I go back for my bachelors. We were in a much better position to afford it, and my mind was in a much more together place than it ever was when I was young! I graduated last August with a degree in religion, which suits me better than my two previous majors, English and electrical engineering, ever did.

Get your sobriety together and share your thoughts and dreams with your husband, all of them. Everything happens in its good time.

God bless you.
Your words just helped me more than you know. Inferior is exactly what I have been feeling, but I could never find the word for it. Congrats to you on finishing school, too!

Wow this forum is turning out to be the best decision I've made. All of you are really helping me to put into words my feelings, I have always had a hard time verbally expressing myself because I never knew how to say it!
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:25 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by katiemay01 View Post
Thank you all so much for your kind words, it really means a lot and left me to reflect on things, and a few new things I need to think about.

I used to binge drink every weekend for 2 years, and the hangovers actually cured me from drinking for about 6 months. Now I guess I've moved onto heavy drinking daily, and it's almost scarier that I'm not waking up with a hangover, if that makes sense.

My husband actually suggested to quit school until I figure out what I want to do, so we aren't wasting a lot of money. If I quit now we'll only owe a little over $1000. I just worry if I do decide to go for a Bachelors in biology, how I will ever pay it off.

I know figuring these things out will be my first step in helping me deal with my problems, but I feel like I don't have the tools to solve them.

I have a lot of thinking to do, and thank you all so much for helping me along the way.
I started as a binge drinker too on Fridays and Saturdays, but eventually the binges began to go 5-6 days while consuming ungodly amounts. My condition got a lot worse from age 25 to 33. Sounds like you are doing the right thing trying to get a handle on this now. As many of the members here can tell you, it only gets worse unfortunately.
SoberHoopsFan is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:25 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Anewbeginning's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16
Hi Katie. I don't know where to begin with this, but just reading your post made me realize how much in common I have with you. I'm 26, married since 21, no children and also a student. Ive neglected the first week of summer school due to a crazy binge I went on. I basically went MIA and I chose to do a lot of stupid things because I was drunk.

My husband and I were always drinking when we first got together at the age of 18. At one point I told him I couldn't be with him any longer if the daily drinking continued. He continued it for a long while or so, then started changing his life for the better. I would always drink with him back then but I feel like it wasn't a necessity. Now I feel like I need alcohol to cope. And not only does that scare me, but the awful and wreckless descisions I make under the influence are risky.

Im so happy that he was able to quit but... How ironic that 7 years later and I'm the one with the problem. I think it just spun out of control. Wine is also my drink of choice but lets be honest here, I will drink anything and be satisfied as long as it contains alcohol.

I'm on day two. I made a lot of horrific decisions this past week and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces.

I just want to give you a hug because I feel like I can strongly relate to how you are feeling.
Anewbeginning is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 02:42 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
flossyfressia's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 129
Katie and Imam-I can relate too. When me and my fiancé starting seeing each other he had an issue with cannabis. I made it a condition of our continuing relationship that he quit. 6 1/2 years on and I'm hen one drinking wine every night to deal with life and getting paralytic on nights out with friends because I have no self control. I'm also 26 and I have so many regrets. 4 weeks sober now though and I feel positive.

Together we can get through this xx
flossyfressia is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 03:01 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
AlmA
 
Aiko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
Hi Katie,

Sorry you have become an alcoholic... is really hard to stay sober!
but it is worth it!

You are still young and can postpone having children!

Maybe stop wasting money in a course you do not like,
get a lower job and save for your degree!
You do not have to joying this year!

Drinking is going to help you achieve NOTHING!
But become more miserable!

Get new batteries and change the chip!
It is achievable!
Aiko is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 03:05 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,415
Welcome Katiemay. Good things have already been said, so I'll just add my good wishes & say I'm glad you found us. It helps to discuss things with people who truly understand.
Hevyn is online now  
Old 06-07-2014, 08:21 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
Thank you all so, so much. You have been the biggest help to me today, and I am so happy I have you guys to turn to- not going to judge me. So thankful I found this forum
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-07-2014, 09:58 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ca
Posts: 10
I am having a hard time right now. I can't sleep, my mind is all over the place. Alcohol always helped me sleep so I never stayed awake at night with all these worries. Tomorrow we are having a family BBQ, which is being held at my home or I wouldn't attend, and I know for certain there will be alcohol. I am really fighting myself on the decision to have 1 beer, to sip on, but I know in my heart I won't be able to stop. The temptation is already so strong and it's not even happening yet. I am even considering running down stairs and pouring myself some shots of rum, and having to seriously force myself to stay in bed. I feel so anxious, and it's so damn hot in this house. I feel like I'm ready to come out of my skin. Just needed to get that off my chest
katiemay01 is offline  
Old 06-08-2014, 03:29 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I find it's useful to slip away from the drinking every chance it gets to you. Run into your room and post on SR! Just having that special, secret plan will give you a boost!
Gilmer is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:11 AM.