Hi Opio,
I appreciate your posts very much. I certainly cant speak for all family members but I have never truly felt responsible for my husbands addiction, or felt like it was possible for me to fix it. I feel like addiction is a medical problem: physical, mental, emotional and like most medical problems theres not a lot I can do because is happening on the "inside" of him. Right now I feel like whats going on is depression and anxiety not even specific to to the drug use. So its like Im not behaving with him any different than I would if he was depressed and anxious and never had any past drug use. I dont know how to explain it except Im not making up special rules for myself because of the drugs. We have these great doctors we work with who reinforce a "team" mentality and I feel really confident Im on the right track. Plus overall I feel at peace, and our marriage is still happy and loving.
Influence is a really important thing. Sometimes we take it too lightly but it helps shape and mold who we are. I think we're influenced by everything around us: people, places, things. Close relationships allow for a lot of influence. Couples in a marriage have a lot of influence with their partner, at least I think so.
I guess where I get confused. If my husband had heart disease then I would use my influence to encourage him to live a healthy lifestyle, visit his doctor regularly. I might suggest we start walking the dog every night as part of our evening routine for exercise and quality time together. I wouldnt mind calling in his prescriptions, or even picking them up, and I would want to hear what his doctor says about his health. I would also logically know I couldnt force him to take his medications, eat better, or exercise. I can only encourage. Even if he does all these things he could still have a heart attack. It doesnt mean he did anything wrong because theres stuff going on inside he cant completely control. If he has a heart attack it wouldn't be because of me either and I wouldn't feel responsible.
However, if in the days leading up to the heart attack I noticed he was feeling bad, saw warning signs of a heart attack, knew from previous conversations with his doctor this means come in and get checked out, go to the ER. Lets say he was in denial and says Im fine, it will go away, its nothing. Again I can use my influence and say lets talk about this and remember what the doctor said, I think you need to get this checked out, Im going to call your doctor and explain what is see. I think these are normal reactions. To sit back and say well its all up to him is wrong. When Im informed, and have instructions from his doctor already in place telling me what to do, then I have failed to some degree by not following through with even a phone call to the doctor.
And this is what I meant when I said I felt like I failed. We have plans in place with the help of his doctor. And where I feel I had a problem was I didnt take the signs of anxiety seriously enough. You guys wouldnt know because I didnt post about it, but I saw a progression of symptoms for a couple weeks. I did talk to him, and he says going over the conversation we had together made him realize something was off in his thinking and he got scared. So I did influence him, but I wish I had called his doctor and been more diligent because what if he hadnt made the call and asked for help. If he couldnt pick an ice cream when confronted with all the choices, its not reasonable to expect him to make major life decisions at a moment like that.
All this is only about his situation, not anyone else's. Im not trying to say people arent capable of thinking logically or making their own choices or anything. Im only talking about this specific situation with the anxiety. Trying to explain why I said what I did.
I may have got off track here, sorry if I did. Opio always get me to thinking !! I can see me and you working on some giant universal puzzle together Opio, it would be a blast !!