New here..
Hi all,
it is very hard for me to start, where do I begin?
I am obviously here because I feel I have a drinking problem, but I...just don't know where to start.
I am 25, happily married, with no children at the moment. I currently attend online college for accounting, but why I shouldn't be is just another part of my problem.
I grew up in a wonderful household, with loving parents who never mistreated me (except for the 'unfair' groundings). I met my husband when I was 15, was married by 19, and have had what I think is a great life so far, besides my career choices.
I keep stating I don't know where to start, simply because I don't know where or when my addiction really started. My husband and I enjoy drinking, and I literally used to badger my husband about his drinking because alcoholism runs heavily in his family. It is ironic, because now I believe I am the one with the problem.
He only enjoys a couple drinks on his days off, while I have become a daily drinker. I have been having drinks every night for the passed 3 weeks. I wait until I am starting dinner, so I use that as an excuse (not drinking all day) but doing that just makes me drink heavier. I generally drink wine, or mix up a large batch of margaritas that I drink all night. Tonight, on my own, without anyone else having a single glass, I have drank 2 bottles.
My husband brought up my drinking the other night and I had an utter and complete melt down. I told him the truth about everything, how I feel so unaccomplished, a loser that I had no job and basically no interest in school, how I felt like I had to choose between having children and an education because there was no way we could afford a school loan payment and a child. I want children more than anything, but I also want to be able to leave a legacy for my children, and not one that was 'your mom was a lazy housewife' (i say lazy because I hate cleaning). We had a very long talk, about how I want to be a Biologist, but I don't see that ever happening, as stated above with costs and all.
I guess I am at war with myself, and drinking is a way to numb those feelings instead of dealing with it. I want all these things, but feel like I have no means of obtaining them. Yes my husband provides for me, and we have money, although very little, to do a few nice things once a month...but not enough to afford another school payment.
I worry because I know I have an addictive personality, and I don't want to be consumed by alcohol, but I fear that has already happened.
I know this is a lot, and it's all over the place, and if you read it all I am very appreciative. Any input will be very much appreciated.
ETA: I say 'another school payment' because we already pay over $300 a month for my husbands school loan