Ramble on Nuudawn, your posts are engaging and a pleasure to read. The content is serious but you have the clever knack of inserting dry humor where it's appropriate and it always fits. That and it helps you and others here too who identify with where you are.
I always am mystified too as to how there are aspects of our life that are so in alignment. Altering part of your post, this is the sum total of me right now.
Today I realized it's just not worth it...the relationship I mean. He is apparently trying to get clean himself (other addictive issue)...yet without any support...or admission that its actually a problem...no vulnerable surrender I guess is what I'm getting at. He figures he can just rearrange a couple of things..hit the gym (LOL, this is "play video games" on my end)..and he's got it figured.
Despite the insanity that is him in conflict...the (deceptive, lying, detached, do what I feel like doing baby)...I do love the warm, wonderful, funny, generous, loving, affectionate side that is him when all is going well.
Although, for me, I am once again trusting that he's working on the situation for the umpteenth time. I have been asked to trust like he trusted when I quit drinking. Doesn't matter that if I used it would be ultimately apparent and he could go on feeding his addiction and I would never be the wiser. He's an ace at deception, also not voicing that there is a problem. He won't speak the words.
Enough about that, just suffice it to say that the second part of those characteristics that were listed make it hard to just turn and walk away. On top of that trying to get or stay sober. Double whammy for sure.
The best peace that I found is to make a decision. I can't fix him, only he can do that. He appears to be working on the situation but who knows. So he gets his stay of execution delayed for a while until I catch him the next time. For now I have to trust that he's trying. Only time will tell.
The best preparation I found for sobriety is this:
Just because you pry the monkeys off your back it doesn't mean that the circus has left town
