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So many monkeys....

Old 06-05-2014, 05:13 PM
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So many monkeys....

Got a week of sobriety under my belt...again. I've put together a few of them in past recent while with some drinking bout between...and then I start over...again.

Feeling a wee bit stronger in my mindset this time. Some good things have come along to strengthen my resolve as they feel like "green lights" on a nicer road.

I just got home from grocery shopping and stopped myself from buying a couple of things because I realized that the item in question was usually coupled with a glass of wine in my hand. I don't need triggers that actually cost money...got enough free ones.

I fought with my the man in my life...again..today. We argue a lot. And I'm not talking little spats. I'm talking epic battles that gets me so enraged I want to throw up and don't know what to do with myself. In the immediate aftermath, both cigarettes and alcohol pop up like screaming whack-a-moles as instant relief.

Today I realized it's just not worth it...the relationship I mean. He is apparently trying to get clean himself (drug issue)...yet without any support...or admission that its actually a problem...no vulnerable surrender I guess is what I'm getting at. He figures he can just rearrange a couple of things..hit the gym..and he's got it figured.

Despite the insanity that is him in conflict...the passive aggressive whiny antagonistic, combative, petulant baby...I do love the warm, wonderful, funny, generous, loving, affectionate side that is him when all is going well.

Today I can't help but realize that is when I started drinking again that I allowed him back in my life. As a matter of fact I was inebriated when I answered that first out of the blue call...actually it wasn't out of the blue...he had popped into my office out of the blue the week prior...when I was stone cold sober and shooed him away...

I kept finding my way back to wine...and I kept letting him back in the door. I was lonely.

I suddenly realize that early sobriety is likely a full time job for the next while..as it was before.

This post is probably wildly self indulgent...
But I can't help wondering if I'm already getting clarity...a week sober with a different mindset. I'm wondering if writing out this post helps me see something here...helps me surrender a bad relationship...like I need to surrender alcohol..

I'm thinking this is probably something I need to do alone (as in without him in my life). I've asked for us to see a counsellor. I'm sure I have enough of my own issues so I can't blame him for everything...nothing changes.

If nothing changes...nothing changes. Hmmm..where have I heard that before?

There's a lot of struggling newbie posts round lately fighting tooth and nail to not pick up...so I feel guilty rambling so.

Doing it anyway.
So many monkeys on my back. Nevertheless I'm happy to be here with my glass of Tiki Shasta Punch...reminds me one of my favourite soda's when I was a kid...called Tahiti Treat. If your middle aged and Canadian ...you might remember it.
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Old 06-05-2014, 05:17 PM
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I don't think it's self indulgent at all

I know when I was drinking, I actively courted chaos and drama, cos chaos and drama gave me a lot of reasons to drink.

A great investment for a drunk, lol - but not for the sober guy I wanted to be, or the kind of life I wanted to lead...

D
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Old 06-05-2014, 05:35 PM
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Oh Nuu Ive missed your writing, you have the ability to transport with your words. You are a wildly talented woman. And strong very very strong. Ok that being said, from the nuu we all use to know shed never speak of having such a relationship! I don't want to paint you into that box with that statement but, trust your gut! Yes those early months are very much a full time job. It won't always be that way but, having a relationship that is equally a tremendous amount of work may not be worth the risk of your recovery. But only you know who is good for you.

I also wanted to tell you I'm damn proud of you and I'm really glad you're back!
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Old 06-05-2014, 05:35 PM
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Hey Nuudawn,

I hope you can sort the relationship out in a good way without compromising your sobriety - I know how hard that is, had been there in the past, with another alcoholic. I was genuinely in love with the guy and vice versa, but the addictions and all the emotional instability, drama, etc progressed into an extent of insanity (gradually) that in the end I could just no longer tolerate. It was just as much my fault as his, if we can say "fault" at all. Long story short: I could not make it work, tried so many things. I really hope you can! The counseling is probably a good idea if both of you take it seriously.

Put your recovery as a priority, no matter what!

Best wishes to you.
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Old 06-05-2014, 05:36 PM
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Hey Nuudawn,
I am middle age and I am Canadian-adjacent. I don't remember Tahiti Treat, but I do remember Shasta soda....all kinds of flavors. It was what we were allowed to drink when we were kids in the summer when on the boat in Canada.



I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you, I understand, and I believe in you.
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Old 06-05-2014, 05:40 PM
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I craved chaos and drama too in my drinking days.

I still LOVE the utter peace I have in my life now. It's not that drama doesn't happen because of course it does for all of us. But, now I have healthy ways to deal with me, and can return to peace before too long.
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Old 06-05-2014, 05:50 PM
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Welcome back! Sounds like you're taking the necessary steps, I will be setting my counseling up soon as well!
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I know when I was drinking, I actively courted chaos and drama, cos chaos and drama gave me a lot of reasons to drink.
Me courting drama and chaos? Me a drama queen? No way.

Oh geez...that's exactly it isn't? Thank you Dee.

And awww...((((thank you))) Imperfectly Me. You are soul sista.
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:16 PM
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Nuudawn, a week sober is FANTASTIC, congratulations. Wish you the best with the other issues as well, rootin for ya.
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:25 PM
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Congrats on a week

When I'm sober I feel lonely sometimes, but when I'm drinking I feel really lonely and do stupid things about it. The only time I text or call an ex from ten years ago (really!) is when I'm drunk. Not a pretty sight.

Vicious cycles, although vicious, are easy, safe, predictable. It's breaking free of them that's hard.

Now I'm rambling...I hope you keep up with sobriety and can find a healthy relationship, with this guy, or with another. Most of all, I hope you can have a healthy relationship with you.
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:29 PM
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Howdy Olive...Seattle is a stone's throw....okay..you have to have a really, really good arm.
Shasta has been around a looooong time...but now you only find it at the Dollar Store.
No complaints bout that. Thank you for your warm thoughts..

And thank you, thank you Anna, Haennie and Upsides92.

I will always remember that very first green FANTASTIC Neferkamichael...never. I think it made me cry.
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:29 PM
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Hello Nuudawn,

I wish you well as you continue along the sobriety path and I'm glad you're here posting again!

This, in your post struck me:

Despite the insanity that is him in conflict...the passive aggressive whiny antagonistic, combative, petulant baby...I do love the warm, wonderful, funny, generous, loving, affectionate side that is him when all is going well.
See, one of the things I've come to realize in sobriety is that being sober allows me to be my authentic self, to be constant in how I respond to life's ups and downs. I don't have the extremes of feeling, behaviours, nor drama that alcohol brought into my life. I don't mean to imply that I'm Pollyanna, far from it, in fact I'm going through a rough time at present, but I know that at my core, my principles and values, and how I relate to others will remain steady.

What you said about your boyfriend concerns me on your behalf, especially in the, let's face it, extreme distress of early sobriety.
You love his "fair weather" self, but life isn't all fair weather, is it? Do you really need the destabilizing "otherness" that you've described?
Heck, I'm lonely as hell, I totally get where you're coming from. But please, be kind to yourself and look after yourself, you are so worth it!

Sorry if this sounds a tad in your face, but we all care about you here and want you to be healthy and well.
Best wishes.
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by DancingDiva View Post
but when I'm drinking I feel really lonely and do stupid things about it. The only time I text or call an ex from ten years ago (really!) is when I'm drunk. Not a pretty sight.

Vicious cycles, although vicious, are easy, safe, predictable. It's breaking free of them that's hard.
Yup (nodding head like a bobble head)...
There was a time in my life where I would have killed for a breathalyzer on my phone that prevented me from making calls....
Quitting drinking never dawned on me at the time
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Old 06-05-2014, 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Leshar View Post
Sorry if this sounds a tad in your face, but we all care about you here and want you to be healthy and well.
Best wishes.
Not at all. You're bang on. (And hey, hey ole friend ((((Leshar))) whassssup??)

Thank you my friend.
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Old 06-05-2014, 11:40 PM
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Bittersweet but very nice to hear your voice again, recognised your style!
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Old 06-06-2014, 03:51 AM
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Ramble on Nuudawn, your posts are engaging and a pleasure to read. The content is serious but you have the clever knack of inserting dry humor where it's appropriate and it always fits. That and it helps you and others here too who identify with where you are.

I always am mystified too as to how there are aspects of our life that are so in alignment. Altering part of your post, this is the sum total of me right now.

Today I realized it's just not worth it...the relationship I mean. He is apparently trying to get clean himself (other addictive issue)...yet without any support...or admission that its actually a problem...no vulnerable surrender I guess is what I'm getting at. He figures he can just rearrange a couple of things..hit the gym (LOL, this is "play video games" on my end)..and he's got it figured.

Despite the insanity that is him in conflict...the (deceptive, lying, detached, do what I feel like doing baby)...I do love the warm, wonderful, funny, generous, loving, affectionate side that is him when all is going well.
Although, for me, I am once again trusting that he's working on the situation for the umpteenth time. I have been asked to trust like he trusted when I quit drinking. Doesn't matter that if I used it would be ultimately apparent and he could go on feeding his addiction and I would never be the wiser. He's an ace at deception, also not voicing that there is a problem. He won't speak the words.

Enough about that, just suffice it to say that the second part of those characteristics that were listed make it hard to just turn and walk away. On top of that trying to get or stay sober. Double whammy for sure.

The best peace that I found is to make a decision. I can't fix him, only he can do that. He appears to be working on the situation but who knows. So he gets his stay of execution delayed for a while until I catch him the next time. For now I have to trust that he's trying. Only time will tell.

The best preparation I found for sobriety is this:

Just because you pry the monkeys off your back it doesn't mean that the circus has left town
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Old 06-06-2014, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
We argue a lot. And I'm not talking little spats. I'm talking epic battles that gets me so enraged I want to throw up and don't know what to do with myself.
I used to have epic battles with my husband when I was drinking. Amazingly we stopped arguing since I'm sober
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Old 06-06-2014, 08:38 AM
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I hope you can increasingly kick the negative to the side and embrace all the positive along the ride....

choose sobriety, choose a life of the joyful variety...

yeah.... rockon, nuudawn.

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Old 06-06-2014, 08:40 AM
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I also fight less, rarely, with my husband when I am sober.

When I was younger(and I only say that because I have been in my marriage for 19 years and not had other relationships for a long time), I used relationships similarly to how I later used alcohol. I have a basically addictive personality. I had some drama in my relationships, and was not such a heavy drinker, actually. But, when I found a stable and not dramatic relationship, I then think I was missing something. Not that it is healthy, but I think I found the thrill in the drink. I just switched my drug of choice from sex(sorry if it is crude) to drinking and food. I had not been promiscuous, but my younger relationships were very physical, and perhaps low on substance. In my husband, I found a very solid and reliable man, a real grown up. But, the excitement was less than in the dramatic relationships.

We both enjoyed drinking together. I see now that is was one of our strongest bonds.

Anyway, Nudawn, I see many parallels in my life, to relationships with people and my relationship with drinking. It is pleasure seeking behavior and reward based, or drama seeking.

I am trying to find new pleasures and rewards, and ones that do not depend on someone outside of myself. Or something unhealthy, like drinking or overeating. I have truly come a very long way in giving up the drama in relationships. Now i gotta get fully sober once and for all.

Then there is a little advice I repeatedly give my children when they have friend drama: Good friends make us feel good and happy. They do not make us feel bad or sad. Everybody has some conficts here and there, but by and large, it should be a happy thing. Or at last, a contented thing.
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Old 06-06-2014, 08:42 AM
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oh how I can relate to the chaos and drama. ive learned a few things about that in recovery.
I was addicted to it.
by having chaos and drama happening, it kept me from doin something totally insane and what I didn't want to do-look at myself.
the longer I was recovery, the less I liked chaos and drama. it would be pretty weird when I sit back and say,"ok,somethings wrong. im not sure what but something aint right." those were times when I didn't have chaos and drama happening and it just didn't feel right. it was a friend that pointed that out to me( along with my addiction to it and doin what I could to not look at myself) and said,"guess what? normal, sane, sober people don't have all that chaos and drama. yup, there can be problems in life, but normal,sane, sober people don't create it like you used to, so welcome to a lil more of sanity!"
took time to get used to it. now im a lil addicted to peace and serenity!

about them monkeys- same friend talkin to him about em. told me,"tom,ya spent many years getting em off yer back, but they just jumped back on. its time ya get em off yer back and kill the lil bastaads!"

its good to read the realizataions yer havin,nuudawn! and wanting to do something about it!
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