Nuudawn

Got a week of sobriety under my belt...again. I've put together a few of them in past recent while with some drinking bout between...and then I start over...again.

Feeling a wee bit stronger in my mindset this time. Some good things have come along to strengthen my resolve as they feel like "green lights" on a nicer road.

I just got home from grocery shopping and stopped myself from buying a couple of things because I realized that the item in question was usually coupled with a glass of wine in my hand. I don't need triggers that actually cost money...got enough free ones.

I fought with my the man in my life...again..today. We argue a lot. And I'm not talking little spats. I'm talking epic battles that gets me so enraged I want to throw up and don't know what to do with myself. In the immediate aftermath, both cigarettes and alcohol pop up like screaming whack-a-moles as instant relief.

Today I realized it's just not worth it...the relationship I mean. He is apparently trying to get clean himself (drug issue)...yet without any support...or admission that its actually a problem...no vulnerable surrender I guess is what I'm getting at. He figures he can just rearrange a couple of things..hit the gym..and he's got it figured.

Despite the insanity that is him in conflict...the passive aggressive whiny antagonistic, combative, petulant baby...I do love the warm, wonderful, funny, generous, loving, affectionate side that is him when all is going well.

Today I can't help but realize that is when I started drinking again that I allowed him back in my life. As a matter of fact I was inebriated when I answered that first out of the blue call...actually it wasn't out of the blue...he had popped into my office out of the blue the week prior...when I was stone cold sober and shooed him away...

I kept finding my way back to wine...and I kept letting him back in the door. I was lonely.

I suddenly realize that early sobriety is likely a full time job for the next while..as it was before.

This post is probably wildly self indulgent...
But I can't help wondering if I'm already getting clarity...a week sober with a different mindset. I'm wondering if writing out this post helps me see something here...helps me surrender a bad relationship...like I need to surrender alcohol..

I'm thinking this is probably something I need to do alone (as in without him in my life). I've asked for us to see a counsellor. I'm sure I have enough of my own issues so I can't blame him for everything...nothing changes.

If nothing changes...nothing changes. Hmmm..where have I heard that before?

There's a lot of struggling newbie posts round lately fighting tooth and nail to not pick up...so I feel guilty rambling so.

Doing it anyway.
So many monkeys on my back. Nevertheless I'm happy to be here with my glass of Tiki Shasta Punch...reminds me one of my favourite soda's when I was a kid...called Tahiti Treat. If your middle aged and Canadian ...you might remember it.